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just a guess that English isn't your first language? This is very hard to read and therefore takes away some of the humor from the joke. Also the layout of it doesn't help your cause either, it's hard to read because of that as well.

Here's my contribution:

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."

if its my first language well i cant tpye more better than you if you cant read it well ilberic

I've got one!

What did one tree say to the other? We're both trees! XD

What happens when you mix a brown chicken with a brown cow?

....

BrownChickenBrownCow.

(bow chicka wow wow)

Get it?

OK how about a Sherlock joke...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, itâs quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just gave a little wave. xD I know that one is kinda lame but I like it :P

There once were 3 men on a plane, a grocer, a preacher, and a soldier. In the middle of the flight, the pilot says,"We're losing altitude, each of you drop some thing out the window."
The Preacher drops a bible.
The grocer drops a banana.
The soldier drops a grenade.
The plane rights itself and lands safely.
Later the pilot is walking in town and sees a small boy crying.
"Whats the matter?" he asks.
The boy replies" I was hungry, and thinking about food when a banana fell out of the sky and hit me in the face."
The pilot expresses his concern and moves on. Later he sees a small girl crying. He asks her the same question he asked the boy and she replies,"Me and my mommy were going to church and a bible fell out of the sky and hit her."
"Oh, I'm sorry" says the pilot and he moves on.
Later, he comes upon a boy laughing hysterically.
"Whats so funny little boy?" inquires the pilot.
Still s******ing, the boy replies. "I farted and the house behind me exploded."

Here's my random bit of insanity for the day:

P1: Knock knock.
Mafia Boss: Who's there?
P1: Senor.
Mafia Boss: Senor Who?
P1: I Senor face.
Mafia Boss: *Shoots P1*

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm a seamstress".

The bartender replies, "sew?"

Andrew walks up into a pub and confronts the bartender sulkily,
A:"hit me with some beer"
B: Why are you looking so bad?
A: Ive just got fired from my job
B:What did you work as?
A: A Consultant
B:I never really got what people do in tht job, can you explain?
A: You just need to use brain logic.
B: whats that supposed to mean?
A: Here, let me try it on you; Do you have a dog?
B: Yeah, so what?
A: So you must really love it, right?
B: Yeah
A: so then you must really love your kid too, right?
A; Yeah (thats pretty cool how he derives those stuff)
B: And if you have a kid, that means that you must have a wife too.
A:Yeah
B: which means that your not gay
A:That is really cool!!
B: yeah, well thnx for the conversation, but i gotta go now
*Arnold gets up and leaves*

*15 mins. later*
Fred walks into the bar
F:"Bartender give me some beer"
B:Sure. *pours beer*
B:I just learnt how to use brain logic, wanna see?
F: Sure, why not.
B:Okay, do you have a dog?
F:No?

B:THAT MEANS YOUR GAY!!!

lol i laughed SO hard the first time I heard tht!

Nice jokes. I don't have any to contribute.

Four people-A pilot, a hiker, a pastor, and a professor were flying in a small airplane when suddenly the engines coughed and died:

The pilot got up saying: "There are only three parachutes. Since it's my plane, I am taking one of them." Upon saying that, he jumped out of the plane.

The professor grabbed a parachute, and while doing so said: "I am brilliant, and the world needs me! So I am taking one of the parachutes." Upon saying that, he also jumped out of the plane.

The pastor, then said to the hiker: "I don't want to be selfish, so you can take the last parachute."

The hiker then replied to the pastor: "There are still two left, so we can each have one. The professor jumped out with my backpack instead of the parachute!"

He who keep feet firmly planted on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa

I saw two blind homeless guys fighting in the street. I went up to them and yelled, "My money's on the one with the knife!"

You should have seen how fast they both ran.