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Dan's Creative Derps

Posted Feb 2, '13 at 7:20pm

MagicTree

MagicTree

360 posts

This is just a generic poetry/writing/drawing/other arts dump. I'll just be posting my random stuff here. I completely welcome critiques. Thanks!

P.S. Dan is me, MagicTree.

 

Posted Feb 2, '13 at 7:22pm

MagicTree

MagicTree

360 posts

Wolf Boy-Chapter 1
           
         The Clearing
The boy’s master was trying to guide the boy but was just succeeding to frustrate himself. He knew that the boy had excellent potential, but was unable to unlock it. The boy had the ability within him to be a Kingdom Forest Ranger. It would just take time.

The boy was only nine summers old. He had been born in a village far away. Or that’s what he decided. He never knew where he was born, but had spent his time making it up. It was if he actually could remember the straw thatched roof or the slightly creaky wooden door, despite the fact that they were just creations of his imagination. He was deep in the forest. He looked around, his knapsack thudding against the ground, as a sudden noise alerted him. The boy let out a breath of relief when he realised it was only a squirrel that had made the noise. He continued on.
                                                   *    *    *
He was unsure how long he had been in the forest. Was it four days? Or five? He couldn't remember. He knew that he was in trouble though. His knapsack would soon be empty. When he came to this forest his knapsack was filled with cheese, bread, onions and a canteen of water, although he didn't have much water left. He also had a problem with the bread. It tasted like nothing.
                                                  *    *    *

 

Posted Feb 2, '13 at 7:23pm

MagicTree

MagicTree

360 posts

The boy sat on a rock, leaning on the face of the short hill.  He took out the knapsack. There were only two rolls of bread left. He took out one. It was only slightly stale. He tore of a chunk and threw it into his mouth. It wasn’t too bad, except for the stale taste of nothingness. He slowly chewed the roll, to make it last longer. He also took out his canteen of water, drinking up the last drop. He had been drinking from it every day and it didn’t last long. Once he had finished the meal, he got up and began his trek through the forest. It was a particularly hot day today, but the huge trees and the shade they provided sufficed in cooling him down.  He wasn’t exactly sure what he was looking for.
                                              *    *    *
The trek continued on. He had been walking for about two hours. At least he thought. His light-brown hair was helping to block out the intense sun. This was the hottest summer he could remember, although he couldn’t remember much, just bits and pieces of his life. He was starting to get extremely tired. Trudging along, he wondered where he was going.
                                            *    *    *
The day wore on. He was so tired. And so thirsty. The sun was beating down on him. He felt like the sun was not moving an inch. He realised that he was going to have to find somewhere to sleep tonight. The past few nights he had slept in a cave, but a bear had almost attacked him. He was lucky to have escaped that time. The woods seemed out to get you.
                                            *    *    *
His trek had continued for another hour until the boy was exhausted and thirsty. The sun was setting and the moon was preparing to visit the sky. Sitting on a patch of grass, he closed his eyes. He lay there for a while, slowly drifting to sleep. The sound of the gently rolling water was so soft and soothing. He suddenly realised something. Water! He thought, attempting to pick himself up. He half ran, half stumbled in his exhaustion to where he could hear the soft tumbling of water. There was nothing there. He slumped to the ground in a mixture of disappointment and fatigue. The sound of running water was still there, as if to mock him. He was so tired and frankly, annoyed. But that annoyance faded from him as he spotted some crystal blue liquid out of the corner of his eye. ‘Water!’ he exclaimed, and dashed over to the stream. He stooped down, slurped lots of it up and filled his canteen. He had stayed there for a while when he stood up and took a look around. He was in an open clearing, littered with small shrubbery. There was a rock face on the other side of the stream. He craned his neck at a dip in the rock face. It turned out to be a hollow in the rock, large enough for the boy to sit in comfortably. He walked over to the nearest clump of shrubs and yanked on one of them. The shrub refused to be pulled out, although the boy himself was not all that strong. He pulled at it, as if it was a tug-of-war rope, his heels dug into the ground. The shrub suddenly snapped out of the ground, causing the boy to stumble back into what he hoped was just mud. He took the shrub and entered the hollow in the rock face. It was quite dark inside. And damp. It was also quite chilly, to be honest. An idea struck him out of the blue and he left the cave in a rush. He went back to the clump of shrubs and proceeded to pull out more shrubs. After getting just three more moderately-sized shrubs out of the ground, his leather shirt and breeches were as dirty as a hard-working farmer’s. He took the shrubs to the edge of the clearing and gathered some twigs. There were very few twigs, but they might suffice for the purpose he had in mind. He snapped two small branches off a small oak tree, near the spot where he had collected the twigs. He strolled to the mouth of the hollow and placed his load onto the ground and arranged it into a neat enough pile. He then took the two branches and rubbed them against each other, in the hopes of setting the twigs and shrubs alight. He was met with failure. It took him several tries until he was sitting on the hollow’s floor, the flames illuminating his exhausted, sleeping face.
                                           *    *    *

Sorry for the TP, but this is a short story I am writing for school. ANy critiques are much appreciated!

 

Posted Feb 4, '13 at 4:52pm

StormWalker

StormWalker

3,203 posts

I like it. You start a lot of sentences with  'He,' but that makes sense, and I end up doing something like that whenever I write. Some of the sentences seem a bit sharp and pine-cone-ish, for example when he hears water, and 'There was nothing there." It just feels like there shoud be more... Then that could be me, because I always end up using run-ons. Also, there's not that many descriptive parts, (I mean, besides the hunger and the sun), but that's pretty good too, because if you are hungry and sun-addled you wouldn't remember much either....
And last thing; To make fire like that, it takes a REALLY long time and smallish pieces of fluff to catch the flame. Normally people's hands get blistered and really uncomfortable during that time, and once the fire starts, you have to run around like a crazy person to get enough wood to burn so it won't go out within the first five minutes.
I really like it, hopefully you won't thing of this too much as evil criticism, it's just easier to criticize than to compliment :3

 

Posted Feb 6, '13 at 3:43pm

MagicTree

MagicTree

360 posts

I like it. You start a lot of sentences with  'He,' but that makes sense, and I end up doing something like that whenever I write. Some of the sentences seem a bit sharp and pine-cone-ish, for example when he hears water, and 'There was nothing there." It just feels like there shoud be more... Then that could be me, because I always end up using run-ons. Also, there's not that many descriptive parts, (I mean, besides the hunger and the sun), but that's pretty good too, because if you are hungry and sun-addled you wouldn't remember much either....
And last thing; To make fire like that, it takes a REALLY long time and smallish pieces of fluff to catch the flame. Normally people's hands get blistered and really uncomfortable during that time, and once the fire starts, you have to run around like a crazy person to get enough wood to burn so it won't go out within the first five minutes.
I really like it, hopefully you won't thing of this too much as evil criticism, it's just easier to criticize than to compliment :3

Thank you so much! This is really helpful. Thanks for responding, and I will take on board the criticism. Thanks once more!

 

Posted Feb 7, '13 at 2:13am

dragonball05

dragonball05

1,571 posts

Well, I do like where the story is going so far. It's not too boring, so it keeps my interest, but it's no so over the top that it pushes me away due to ridiculousness. I do hope it gets explained how a 9-10 year old is expected to (and succeeding in doing so) survive in the woods by himself without advising. Hopefully it has something to with the title and he's actually some manwolf :P

As for criticism, just a couple. One thing is that, not everywhere, some paragraphs were great, the sentence length is too choppy. Some paragraphs have a nice flow with short and long sentences, making it have great fluency. Some of the smaller paragraphs are mostly short, dry sentences.

Also, some of the word structuring is a bit off for the sentence, making the flow lack. One example was...well here was a more picky example, but regardless...

The boy’s master was trying to guide the boy but was just succeeding to frustrate himself

Personally, I would change that to:

The boy's master was trying to guide the boy, but was only succeeding in frustrating himself.

Small change, but I think it flows better. Couple of other times, but can't remember where they were.

Also, in that change, I remembered another criticism I had. Make sure to put commas after your "but"s. I added it instinctively when making my proposed change.

That's all the structural stuff I remember I had to critique, so that's pretty much it.

Oh wait, suggesting: have the kid, in his down time while alone thinking, remember his master before he apparently gave him a gentle push into the wilderness by himself. I wanna see this guy's character, maybe a little backstory, description. You know, make him a deeper character since he was mentioned. Also, give the kid a name, and go a little deeper into his life in the past as well, maybe not right away, but eventually.

Also, make sure you have a story progression in mind that will lead to having some sort of climax eventually. Could be the most fearsome battle with nature, the apprehension leading to a dramatic turn of events for the kid, or some other thing you think works best for him. Try not to wing it too much ;)

Do continue, though. Sounds like it could be interesting!

 

Posted Feb 7, '13 at 1:14pm

MagicTree

MagicTree

360 posts

Well, I do like where the story is going so far. It's not too boring, so it keeps my interest, but it's no so over the top that it pushes me away due to ridiculousness. I do hope it gets explained how a 9-10 year old is expected to (and succeeding in doing so) survive in the woods by himself without advising. Hopefully it has something to with the title and he's actually some manwolf :P

As for criticism, just a couple. One thing is that, not everywhere, some paragraphs were great, the sentence length is too choppy. Some paragraphs have a nice flow with short and long sentences, making it have great fluency. Some of the smaller paragraphs are mostly short, dry sentences.

Also, some of the word structuring is a bit off for the sentence, making the flow lack. One example was...well here was a more picky example, but regardless...

The boy’s master was trying to guide the boy but was just succeeding to frustrate himself

Personally, I would change that to:

The boy's master was trying to guide the boy, but was only succeeding in frustrating himself.

Small change, but I think it flows better. Couple of other times, but can't remember where they were.

Also, in that change, I remembered another criticism I had. Make sure to put commas after your "but"s. I added it instinctively when making my proposed change.

That's all the structural stuff I remember I had to critique, so that's pretty much it.

Oh wait, suggesting: have the kid, in his down time while alone thinking, remember his master before he apparently gave him a gentle push into the wilderness by himself. I wanna see this guy's character, maybe a little backstory, description. You know, make him a deeper character since he was mentioned. Also, give the kid a name, and go a little deeper into his life in the past as well, maybe not right away, but eventually.

Also, make sure you have a story progression in mind that will lead to having some sort of climax eventually. Could be the most fearsome battle with nature, the apprehension leading to a dramatic turn of events for the kid, or some other thing you think works best for him. Try not to wing it too much ;)

Do continue, though. Sounds like it could be interesting!

Thank you! This is very helpful! I will keep it in mind, and put in some changes. It is a short story that I had to write for school in a week, but I will probably make it longer, improve it, etc.

I should explain the starting paragraph. There is one in every chapter, explaining more and more of his past, until he finally understandswhy he is the woods. And, he befriends a wolf, bonding with it, to help him survive.

Thank you for your critiques though, I will definitely work on it. Especially the fluency, Thanks again!

 
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