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My Best Poem

Posted Apr 29, '13 at 12:08am

jmababa

jmababa

53 posts

Hope you guyz like it its out of topic on the contest so i posted it here the one i made for contest sucked so i did not post it there

http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l298/jmababa/AnimeHeartBroken.jpg

 

Posted Apr 29, '13 at 12:58am

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

9,700 posts

Alright..first thing, punctuation. In the instance of your poem here, it is necessary. Your poem obviously reads with it all as one piece, instead of each line beings its own (as you have it written), so you need to have punctuation to differentiate what goes together in full and what doesn't.

See..as you have it now..the first line is
night after night i ask myself
and, because of the lack of punctuation (implying each line is on its own) the thought ends there. The next line, then, is
questions that have no answers
Again, because of lack of punctuation, the thought begins and ends in the line, not connected to any other line immediately. Now, the line, in itself, is good..but in context makes 0 sense. However, with punctuation added correctly, the reader then realizes it is to be read with the first line.
Until then..it is merely "questions that have no answers"

Get what I'm saying?

[better example: promised my heart to. Makes no sense on its own]

-----

Now..the content of the poem. To be honest..I'm confused. And not in a "wow this is so deep! What does it mean?" way..but a "um...what is going on here?" way.

The first stanza brings up an idea that the author is ignorant to the doings of love; ignorant to how the heart and mind work in regards to the actions taken with romance. This idea is actually a really good one, and can be a great starting idea for a poem.

The 2nd stanza comes, and the author begins to ponder as to why what is happening is happening. Why did the heart choose wrong? Why do I not have an understanding? Again, this could be quite a powerful idea..and with proper execution could make for a wonderful poem.

Then, the 3rd stanza happened. The entire poem, up to this point, has been about the author pondering the workings of love and the actions of his/her heart and mind in regards to it. It is evident that the author understands that it is his/her fault for everything that has happened, due to his/her ignorance, and is trying to gain a better understanding of it all.
But in the 3rd stanza, the author lets go of all ties to accountability, and essentially states that it is up to "the clouds" and "fate" to fix all mistakes and provide "that someone" to eliminate all feelings of remorse/pain within the author.

The poem begins with a great opportunity to have the author gain insight within himself/herself, and be a good piece of transcendentalism poetry, but it ends by denying any accountability of change and places it all on others...effectively eliminating any hope the author had at gaining insight to the situation.

 

Posted Apr 29, '13 at 1:08am

xeano321

xeano321

2,969 posts

Knight

The thing doesn't even rhyme, and it's just crying for punctuation.... It kind of sounds like a Country western song.

 

Posted Apr 29, '13 at 1:14am

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

9,700 posts

The thing doesn't even rhyme,


Poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme.

The use of rhyme is to show a better grasp on language...to be able to write a piece of work elegantly while abiding to such restrictions
 

Posted Apr 29, '13 at 11:38am

xeano321

xeano321

2,969 posts

Knight

Poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme.


No, but the words don't really flow together smoothly. I mean, take the second stanza, the wording just isn't smooth and easy to recite.

The use of rhyme is to show a better grasp on language...to be able to write a piece of work elegantly while abiding to such restrictions


Are you an English teacher or something pang? I've heard that before... Maybe around a dozen times or so in my life at school.
 

Posted Apr 29, '13 at 4:10pm

wolf1991

wolf1991

3,557 posts

Are you an English teacher or something pang? I've heard that before... Maybe around a dozen times or so in my life at school.


You're not helping, and you have had nothing worthwhile to contribute so far.

The use of rhyme is to show a better grasp on language...to be able to write a piece of work elegantly while abiding to such restrictions


Yes and no. Rhyme can be used that way, but is often another poetic device to convey emotion, or to add a specific rhythm to the poem.

As for the poem itself, as everyone has said, punctuation is key for this poem. However, that does not make it necessary for all poetry. If you want to see a master at work, read some T.S Eliot. If you want a less elegant, yet local example take a look at my thread: The Words and Workings of Wolf.

I encourage you to keep up the writing, and am happy to lend advice and assistance if need be.
 

Posted Apr 30, '13 at 12:49am

xeano321

xeano321

2,969 posts

Knight

You're not helping, and you have had nothing worthwhile to contribute so far.


I'm contributing. Just because I don't take the same approach you do doesn't mean I'm not. I'm just generating discussion. Isn't that what the forums are for?
 

Posted Apr 30, '13 at 2:33am

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

9,700 posts

I'm just generating discussion. Isn't that what the forums are for?


Generally, yes. But for AMW (specifically, a user's personal thread of their works) the comments should be more along the lines of constructive responses that provide feedback on the artists work and style.. preferably in a way that would allow them to possibly learn from said comments and better their techniques
 

Posted Apr 30, '13 at 12:16pm

xeano321

xeano321

2,969 posts

Knight

the comments should be more along the lines of constructive responses that provide feedback on the artists work and style..


You do realize that long posts of 5+ paragraphs are generally not even read in their entirety? I thought I would just condense it down into a couple sentences, rather then sit and type something out that will most likely not even be read. If he asked me what I meant by my post, I would have most kindly elaborated for him.

My apologies if my critique style offends anybody.
 

Posted Apr 30, '13 at 1:32pm

Bronze

Bronze

2,454 posts

No, but the words don't really flow together smoothly. I mean, take the second stanza, the wording just isn't smooth and easy to recite.


Wow look. Xeano did contribute, so I'm not getting what the fuss is about. Who cares if it was a sentence or two. That's a lot more than what most people post, which is NOTHING.

As for the poem. I can't add much to what has been said. I thought the lack of punctuation just meant that you read everything without pause.
 
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