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Posted Feb 19, '14 at 7:33pm

Omegap12

Omegap12

1,923 posts

So this story is ALMOST done, ive been working on it for about 3 years now, but i rarely worked on it. So here it is now.

AUGUST 1st

(no research was done for this story)

âCome on Javon move it!â the shout cracked like a whip in the starry night sky. Wow, even the Negros hate me. Well, theyâve always hated me butâ¦. I can see why though, not only did I sell slavery to most of these people but Iâm the first white person to use the Underground Railroad to escape.
Here I am, Luke Javon, a well known slave seller using the methods the slaves I sold to all those people to escape what I sold them too. My life was perfect until what I like to call The Day.

It all started with 10 new people to sell. A wiry old man, a big buff man, 2 women, a fat person, and a family. An average sized father, a fairly strong mother, twin boys, they were strong but thin, and a 4 year old girl, who clung to mother like she was a lifeline.
âOK peopleâ I said liking the steel in my voice.â The bidding starts at 10:30, so I want you clean or else youâll ruin my reputation. All of you will be sold, I canât say if youâll be together or not.âI said eyeing the mother and child. âYou have one hour to get ready so go!â And they all scattered to the caravan where there stuff was stored.
________________________________________________________________

The buff man was the first to be sold. It was a hard fought battle between Mr. Jenkins and Mr. Lots, all the others dropped out at around 20 dollars.
âIâll bid 32 dollars for him there. Mr. Lots stated loudly, raising his eyebrows when Mr. Jenkins opened his mouth.
âYou know Luke; I just got to have him. Iâll put in 35 dollars for him and put in more if it comes to that.â

A gasp fell over the crowd as the words left his lips.

âGoinâ once, goinâ twice sold to Mr. Jenkins for 35 dollars.â
_____________________________________________________________________

As I walked toward the store that day with over 150 dollars in my pocket I thought about the saber I would buy since a slave took mine when he went on a rampage. Then I heard the shouts coming from down the street.
âHelp!!!" voices rang out as I ran to the burning building,"We need water! Thereâs someone trapped in there!â. Getting to it I realized it was Mrs. Coulchâs house, a good friend of mine. Without thinking I broke the door down to find her. Then I found her lying on the ground a piece of wood stuck in her stomach.
âLuke, please end my pain.â She said as I reached her.âPlease I canât survive much longer.â Mrs. Coulch moaned pulling my pistol out and putting it in my hand.âShoot me now.â
I ended her quickly, then pulled the piece of wood out of her stomach and carried her body outside where I was met by the mayor.
âYou killed a citizen of this peaceful town.â He said loudly, "prepare to face the punishment, slavery.â
I drop to my knees in horror as the words hit my ears. âBut, but, she wanted me to kill her! She said she couldnât survive anyways. She pulled out my pistol and put in my hand!â
âWell, it seems that it was going to die anyway, huh?â The mayor retorted sarcastically. âWell if she said that she was going to die, couldnât you have brought her out to prove before you killed her?â
I hung my head as I realized that I was that stupid to not bring her outside before died, or rather apparently before I killed her.
âNow are you ready to take up your punishment of slavery?â The mayor claims with cheers coming from my enemies and boos from friends and regulars at the slave sales.
Numbly I nod and let the police haul up and push me toward the jail.
_____________________________________________________________________
I was sitting in my jail cell yelling at the police to let me out. After a while they just walked out a stood guard at the door of the jail. Now I was pacing. After 3 hours of sitting in a confined space my nerves did get really fidgety. Finally I hear a voice other than the ones in my head saying, Why Luke? Why didnât you take her out before she died?
âLuke hey I need to tell you something!â Mr. Lotâs voice rang out as he came running down the hall to my cell. âI have a friend in Alabama that takes slaves to purposely lets them free to the Underground Railroad you can go to him. His name is Mr.Owend."
âWow he buys slaves to free them? Why doesnât he get in trouble for doing that? I ask questioning his motives.
âWell he makes them work but not like painful labor. He makes the woman sew and the men hunt with him.â Mr. Lots answers my question before I can ask it. âHe is so far out in the country that the police canât find him and bring him in for freeing slaves. He makes the work to be free, one month for freedom, but mention that you are friends with me and heâll let you go immediately.â
âBut if heâs so far out in the country that the police canât find him, how does he get his slaves then?â I ask skeptically.
âHe has a friend that gets the slaves and brings them to him, a man that goes by Wendell Jacobs, so heâs the one that you should ask to go to.â
âAlright Iâll keep that in mind." I retorted quickly considering the odds of that happening, "But Iâm not sure that the mayor will let me pick who I want to go to for slavery though.â
âYou have too many friends in this town that wonât mayor pick youâre slave owner, theyâll make him let you do it. Heâll let you out in 1 hour to bring you to choose your slave owner; Wendell Jacobs is who you want. Stay strong Luke and good luck.â Mr. Lots says as he walks out of the jail.
An hour later, the policemen come back in, keys in hand to unlock the cell to bring me to the mayor.
Walking out of the jail there were lines on the street waiting for me to come out. Walking the whole way to the mayorâs house to the jail with cheers and boos on both sides of the street made me want to run. Kill the police holding me with their own sabers and run. Go to Canada, the land of freedom, no slavery and peace. Walking into the mayorâs house, I was greeted by the mayorâs wife.
With disgust spilling out of her mouth, she said, "The Mayor is in his study so you can accept all the slavery and death you want you MONSTER!!" Stomping away muttering curses at me.
I walked into the Mayor's study with a nervous pit in my stomach as i saw him. I immediately said, "I have a request for who i want to be enslaved to! And you can't refuse this offer because too many people in this town support me!"
The Mayor was taken aback with this proposal. "Well then, who do you want to be enslaved to then, Mr. Luke Murderer?
"I want to go to Wendall Jacobs of Alabama Mr. Mayor." I said using the same mocking tone he used; seeing as he's not really my mayor anymore i shouldn't give him anymore respect.
Now he's really mad about this. "Fine it's decided, in one week from now Luke Javon will be sent to Wendall Jacobs of Alabama to become enslaved to him." The Mayor said as he walked outside repeating what he said to me to the whole town. at hearing those words a breath of relief washed over, along with the thoughts that I might actually escape slavery.
____________________________

A week later, i was in a caravan on my way to Alabama. it was the worst ride I've ever been on. Apparently, it was high tide for robbers and brigands, so we always had to hide the food, keep our guns out, and lock the horses up at night so they wouldn't get stolen.
These hired guns protecting the caravan knew of my "murder" and are content with staying away from me, especially when we are moving, putting me near the front of the procession, because " I have experience in murder" (Like a hired gun hasn't killed anyone before).
The night before we entered Alabama, we were attacked by the worst band of brigands yet. There were screams of the horses and hired guns alike. As the guns fired, the woods rang with the sound tearing canvas, and gunshots.
Before i know, my tent is collapsed, my gun and saber that the hired guns gave me are gone, and my hands are tied behind my back with a coarse horse lead. All 8 of my "guards" as the mayor called them are dead are dying, as are the horses and mules, which were pulling the caravan,
Then the captain of the brigand group walks up to me and says,"I know all that happened to you, because of the man you sold your last slave to, Mr. Jenkins, it that his name? Well, it doesn't matter anyways, i killed him myself when he tried to stop us from attacking your caravan.
So I have an offer for you. You can join my band, and have the best things that we own. The best clothes, tent, food and all the worldly possessions that you could ever need. The second offer is to be killed for the safety of my band. So what will you choose, and quickly or I choose for you."
Strangely, it was a hard decision. Would i become everyone's enemy, or just end it quickly. then it hit me. The captain was the only one awake out of the band. So I could accept tonight, then not be in this camp be tomorrow.
"I will take the first offer that you offered me." I said with clear regret in my voice.
With a cheeky grin, the captain says, "Great, your tent will be put up any minute now. And by the way, if you need me for any reason, my name is James, but call me Thorn.
_________________________

 

Posted Feb 19, '14 at 7:43pm

blk2860

blk2860

10,796 posts

...Slavery wasn't a form of punishment for murder... Anyway, here's some constructive criticism:

A week later, i was in a caravan on my way to Alabama. it was the worst ride I've ever been on.


Your story won't allow people to become engrossed in it if you make errors like this. You've got to capitalize your i's man. Also, you didn't really explain why the ride was so horrible.

"I will take the first offer that you offered me." I said with clear regret in my voice.


Try not to repeat words. Change this to "I'll take the first offer you gave me." Or something like that. Try to use contractions, by the way, or else it won't sound like real people speaking. I'd look for more errors, but you get the gist.
 

Posted Feb 19, '14 at 7:45pm

blk2860

blk2860

10,796 posts

By the way, the stories great, but you shouldn't make it as a journal, unless you plan on posting entries regularly. Also, you should really do research for stories taking place in the past, it really enriches the story.

 

Posted Feb 19, '14 at 10:06pm

Omegap12

Omegap12

1,923 posts

Yea some of those errors were auto-correct, or not i guess. Im so used to microsoft Wword and it capitlizes the"I". But most of the other mistakes were purely my stupidity, and lack of energy, causing my brain to shut down. SO SORRY TO ALL THOSE MISTAKES, STUPIDITY GETS TO ME ALOT!!! XD

 

Posted Feb 19, '14 at 10:07pm

MattEmAngel

MattEmAngel

7,577 posts

As I walked toward the store that day with over 150 dollars in my pocket I thought about the saber I would buy since a slave took mine when he went on a rampage. Then I heard the shouts coming from down the street.
âHelp!!!" voices rang out as I ran to the burning building,"We need water! Thereâs someone trapped in there!â. Getting to it I realized it was Mrs. Coulchâs house, a good friend of mine. Without thinking I broke the door down to find her. Then I found her lying on the ground a piece of wood stuck in her stomach.
âLuke, please end my pain.â She said as I reached her.âPlease I canât survive much longer.â Mrs. Coulch moaned pulling my pistol out and putting it in my hand.âShoot me now.â
I ended her quickly, then pulled the piece of wood out of her stomach and carried her body outside where I was met by the mayor.
âYou killed a citizen of this peaceful town.â He said loudly, "prepare to face the punishment, slavery.â


o_o Well. That escalated quickly.

I have a lot of commentary for it, but you may want to ask @blk2860 before accepting the offer. My critiquing can be....extensive.
 

Posted Feb 19, '14 at 10:26pm

MattEmAngel

MattEmAngel

7,577 posts

I'll just go through that one section, if it's alright. I'm in college with four high school literature courses (two regular, two advanced placement) and three college literature/communication courses completed. I know my way around words. I apologize in advance if I sound mean at any point, but, as an artist, I am extremely critical of stuff sometimes.

Let's focus on story.

As I walked toward the store that day with over 150 dollars in my pocket I thought about the saber I would buy since a slave took mine when he went on a rampage. Then I heard the shouts coming from down the street.


You might as well throw the actual dollar amount in there, although that isn't a big deal. The weapon is, though. That's a lot of story to cram into one sentence (ignoring the second one). A slave escaped, stole your weapon, went on a rampage (some more detail here?), and...that's it. You could lead into this a bit more.

âHelp!!!" voices rang out as I ran to the burning building,


What burning building?? Introduce a scene before having your character interact with it.

"We need water! Thereâs someone trapped in there!â. Getting to it I realized it was Mrs. Coulchâs house, a good friend of mine.


Good friends with a slave trader? Some backstory may be called for.

Without thinking I broke the door down to find her. Then I found her lying on the ground a piece of wood stuck in her stomach.


What happened to all the people shouting for water? Did they just watch?

âLuke, please end my pain.â She said as I reached her.âPlease I canât survive much longer.â Mrs. Coulch moaned pulling my pistol out and putting it in my hand.âShoot me now.â


Wait, you have a gun too? You need to describe your character and what they have before letting them use things.

I ended her quickly, then pulled the piece of wood out of her stomach and carried her body outside where I was met by the mayor.


So the mayor got to the burning house before the fire department (or whatever is used for rescuing people in this time period is) did? Also, this got really weird really fast. "Unfortunate circumstances" indeed.

âYou killed a citizen of this peaceful town.â He said loudly, "prepare to face the punishment, slavery.â


A peaceful town has armed slave traders walking around?

o_0 I'm not sure what else to make of this story, actually. It certainly escalated quickly.
 

Posted Feb 19, '14 at 10:59pm

blk2860

blk2860

10,796 posts

Alright, I think I'll do some critique on this.

I ended her quickly, then pulled the piece of wood out of her stomach and carried her body outside where I was met by the mayor.
âYou killed a citizen of this peaceful town.â He said loudly, "prepare to face the punishment, slavery.â
I drop to my knees in horror as the words hit my ears. âBut, but, she wanted me to kill her! She said she couldnât survive anyways. She pulled out my pistol and put in my hand!â


Wait... wait a second. Last time I checked wood through the abdomen doesn't usually kill a person. Also, why isn't the mayor, you know, getting people to extinguish the fire that, as Matt said, is basically just ignored. I also highly doubt that the Mayor would stoop so low as to arrest a criminal. Also, peaceful town? Really? Just earlier you said:

As I walked toward the store that day with over 150 dollars in my pocket I thought about the saber I would buy since a slave took mine when he went on a rampage.


Not only that, but you said it the same way you would say that "Oh, the cat killed another mouse." Like it's a regular occurrence. Considering it's up to the mayor to arrest people, I can only shudder to imagine what the crime rate is like in this so-called "peaceful town."

âCome on Javon move it!â the shout cracked like a whip in the starry night sky. Wow, even the Negros hate me. Well, theyâve always hated me butâ¦. I can see why though, not only did I sell slavery to most of these people but Iâm the first white person to use the Underground Railroad to escape.
Here I am, Luke Javon, a well known slave seller using the methods the slaves I sold to all those people to escape what I sold them too. My life was perfect until what I like to call The Day.


No offense, but I don't think joining a band of marauders is equivalent to escaping on the Underground Railroad. Also, on the subject of Marauders... Well, a town that has to hire eight armed guards for slave transport, and apparently still often loses slaves doesn't sound remotely peaceful to me.
 

Posted Feb 20, '14 at 1:16am

MattEmAngel

MattEmAngel

7,577 posts

Wait... wait a second. Last time I checked wood through the abdomen doesn't usually kill a person.


Don't make me get the science out.

*puts on lab jacket*

The woman, according to the story, had "a piece of wood stuck in her stomach." If by "stomach" the writer means "abdomen," the section below the rib cage and above the pelvis, a piece of would could indeed kill a person, depending on the depth of the wound. If it was an inch or less, the wound would have hit muscle and stopped. The woman would bleed but she could easily be patched up and would recover on her own. However, there are several major arteries and veins that run through the center of the abdomen. If a piece of wood were to penetrate deep enough to sever one, the woman would experience massive internal bleeding, leading to hemorrhaging, leading to a very rapid death. Depending on how long it happened before Luke got there, she could have bled out before he even arrived.

However, if the piece of wood in her stomach is indeed her stomach, located above the abdominal muscles, we would have a different story. It turns out that a person can survive being stabbed on an empty stomach. Assuming they have medical help, they will not bleed out and the stomach won't swell or burst (let's not get into that). The real risk is infection; if there was something nasty on whatever stabbed you, it's inside your stomach and could easily make you very sick.

As far as pain goes, none of them would be so great that you pass out or go into shock (unless it involves a severed artery). Assuming the woman had only recently been impaled, and since she was still conscious and able to identify her surroundings, she was in relatively stable condition. I'm not an expert on on-site medical assistance, but if the wood was carefully removed, the would was bandaged and she was taken to a clean place to rest (along with proper application of available pain reducers), she would have survived.

Granted, there is a serious shock value involved in that a woman looks up to see a piece of wood protruding from her chest, so she could experience some temporary mental trauma, but she wouldn't be in so much pain (or at so much risk of death) that death by gunshot would be an appropriate course of action.

*removes lab coat*

tl;dr, if she was hit in the stomach (organ), she would have lived. If she was hit deep in the stomach (lower abdomen), she would have been dead on site from internal hemorrhaging if the wood split an artery. Anywhere in between (hitting an intestine or the liver, say) would be painful but also non-fatal, assuming you reached her while she was conscious, treated the wound and got her to safety. You shouldn't have blown her brains out.

SCIENCE.
 

Posted Feb 20, '14 at 11:39am

FishPreferred

FishPreferred

2,097 posts

Well, theyâve always hated me butâ¦. I can see why though, not only did I [...]


This should be two sentences (comma splice at "though, not"). Either "though" or "but" should be removed, as having both is redundant.

âYou killed a citizen of this peaceful town.â He said loudly, "prepare to face the punishment, slavery.â


Yeah...I don't see this as being very plausible. Even if the injury was only vestigial, they would need a coroner to confirm it and verify that she wasn't dead already. At most, this would be voluntary manslaughter; not murder.

If this story were taking place in the Greek Empire, enslavement might be a punishment for murder, but it would be unthinkable to treat a white guy the same way as a black guy in a pre-emancipation U.S. setting. Another comma splice is at "punishment, slavery", where slavery should be separated with a colon.

Where's the trial scene, anyway? Even if they're going to hand him off to the lynch mob either way; even if it's a sham courtoom that takes place in the jailhouse with no defence lawyer, there has to be one.

âWow he buys slaves to free them? Why doesnât he get in trouble for doing that? I ask questioning his motives.


He can't get in trouble. It's completely legal if he already bought them. Also, the closing quotation is missing.

âYou have too many friends in this town that wonât mayor pick youâre slave owner, theyâll make him let you do it.


I think you're missing something like "let the". The clause appended to the end should be a separate sentence.

As the guns fired, the woods rang with the sound tearing canvas, and gunshots.


I'm not sure what this is saying.
 

Posted Feb 20, '14 at 11:52am

Omegap12

Omegap12

1,923 posts

Dam, i have real writing problems! Thanks for all the help on it! It will be taken care of! Still got 4 more days till school's back in so; ive got time. But other than that how do u think it is for a 14 year old, relaxed writer?

 
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