ForumsArt, Music, and WritingZoph My Hero ( my entry for this weeks poetry contest) (tell me what you think of it)

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jalex13
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jalex13
293 posts
Nomad

~Zoph My Hero~

Wraphia twirled in the air,
Zooming past Zophia's stare.
Translucent as a falling snowflake,
As shiny as a tiny pebble,
A tiny soldier and a rebel.

That little piece of string that spun,
Caught eyes of Gamers old and young.
It caused a ruckus in the Tavern
And other threads with much confusion.
But Zoph stood there without delusion.

Zophia snapped at the piece of string,
And blew it at Ryan the King.
King Ryan stumbled backwards,
Landing in a pile of spam;
Zophia ate it up like ham.

Ryan was vulgar none the less,
Denying Zophie's heroic jest.
The AG gamers cheered her name;
Zophia the great, Zophia the dame.

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jalex13
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jalex13
293 posts
Nomad

This is my entry for this weeks poetry contest: The awesomeness of Zophia. I want to know ur opinions on it. I worked pretty hard on this poem.

Gantic
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Gantic
11,892 posts
King

Your imagery is a little strange and I don't think some words fit as well as other would in their place.

"As shiny as a tiny pebble"
Pebbles come in different luster. Is it a bright mirror-like reflection? a gleam? sparkly? dull? I usually think dull but sparkly like marble but less bright and dazzling. But you could be aiming for something else.

"A tiny soldier and a rebel"
I'm not entirely sure what this means or to what this refers.

"Zophia snapped at the piece of string"
Isn't Wraphia ribbon?

"Zophia ate it up like ham."
Ate the spam? I think she's vegetarian, so she either didn't eat the spam or was repulsed by having to eat it. This might not get across what you might want to get across, which I think might be something like a spam-burning dragon but devouring the spam instead of incinerating it.

But this is just a seed of a heroic deed. Water it and it will grow.

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