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Gladitator
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Gladitator
75 posts
Nomad

Well I made it when I was bored in English class and I just want to share it with you guys, tell me what you think.


Beautiful dark sky,
So lovely and menacing,
Bright flashes of light,
Deadly thunder, lightning,
When will the blue sky come back?

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Gantic
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Gantic
11,892 posts
King

Fourth line is missing a syllable, but that's nothing big. My biggest issue with this has to be that the second line is meaningless. "Beautiful dark sky" and "lovely and menacing" both give the same image. In such a concise form of poetry, two lines and fourteen syllables longer than a haiku, reiterating the point of the first line doesn't so so well. The third and fourth line, too. "Bright flashes of light" and "lightning" are equivalent. Nevertheless, the last line punctuates this piece very well.

kingryan
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kingryan
4,196 posts
Farmer

Oh shut it Gantic...he's a newcomer...give him praise.

Well done. I liked it and I too had no idea what Gantic is talking about.

Gladitator
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Gladitator
75 posts
Nomad

The third and fourth line, too. "Bright flashes of light" and "lightning" are equivalent


You didn't read it said Deadly thunder, lightning is also deadly but I couldn't have put and or else it would have mest it up.


"Beautiful dark sky" and "lovely and menacing" both give the same image


And? I'm just saying how beautiful it is to see it.


Well done.


Thank you, I really did spend some time on this.
Gantic
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Gantic
11,892 posts
King

This is what it reads like to me:

Beautiful dark sky,
So beautiful and dark,
Lightning,
Deadly thunder, lightning.
When will the blue sky come back?

The last line works. I don't see the second and last half of the fourth working so well. There isn't a need to say it again, but maybe having both bright flashes of light and lightning might work, although not for your reason. There isn't much difference to me if it's labelled deadly or not. It's assumed to be deadly. It might work for something that meant "Lighting flashes. Thunder. More lightning." which is how a thunderstorm sometimes works. And then the implied Thunder.

It works, the first and fourth lines, or maybe the first third, and first half of the fourth line.
If it read something like

.... sky
lovely and menacing
bright flashes of light
deadly thunder ....
When will the blue sky come back?

or

Beautiful dark sky,
....
Bright flashes of light,
Deadly thunder, ....
When will the blue sky come back?

If the .... are different words that highlight different events and imagery of the storm, perhaps the rain or wind, this would be excellent. If it's beautiful it's already implied that it's lovely, so there's no need to say it again. If it's dark, it can be implied that it is menacing, and in context, it is. I'm just not that into how the first two lines produce the same image.

But in it's current wording, it would work better if one comma (or all of the ones at the end of the line) was removed (or the "so" in that line) so that it would play off the first line and say that the bright flashes of light were also lovely and menacing.

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