ForumsArt, Music, and WritingRap: To a Dead Stranger

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Parsat
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Parsat
2,180 posts
Blacksmith

To a Dead Stranger

AN: This is based on something that happened today. So I wrote this as a rap of sorts off the top of my head that roughly fits a random beat I found on Youtube: here Just notating down a freestyle.

Chorus (sung):
Your life went on
But now it's gone.
When death becomes my claimer
Who will be my stranger?

I never would have thought when I stepped past the hall
That someone might have died, not even in a hospital.
But it happened, transpired in the ICU,
Now what's a complete stranger obligated to do
I don't know whether your life was good or bad
Don't know that when you're gone if you're family's mad, or even glad.
But even this old guy deserves my prayer
The way life goes, you know, that's only fair.
And still the world will continue to turn
When you're only ash from a crematorium burn.
Once upon a time we breathed the same air
And yet somehow I really didn't care.
So forgive me for how I've transgressed
Now may your afterlife be blessed
And I ask that you eternally rest
In peace, from a stranger to you.

[chorus]

Afternoon saw me right in the room
Nurses and doctors with the look of doom.
In the air hung a single held note
Must be the sound of whirling death with his cloak.
But still I didn't know, I was naive and blind
I had never encountered someone of your kind
Your cold dead feet sticking out of your bed
I saw the facts but it never entered my head.
Nurse came along to check off your meds
But then he proclaimed that you were dead
He scribbled a note saying &quotatient expired"
With a look that was both mad and tired.
He pressed down his pen, digging deep,
As if digging a grave for those now asleep.
And I finally realized what I had to do
To deliver this message from me to you.

[chorus]

You can rest in peace now, no need to be blue
Because this distant stranger is praying for you.
I know if I was in the place you were in
I would want someone to pray and absolve my sin.
You taught me a lesson from beyond the grave
That every soul out there deserves to be saved
Some people can't die in places peaceful and white
Those people nobody cared for and got no respite
So I'm asking you now to take a moment of quiet
It won't hurt, only help, so I ask that you try it.
You gonna let a human die unremembered, alone,
A precious life gone and no respect shown?
We're bound by life, we're all sisters and brothers
Even though we're separated by tongues and mothers
Every stranger that's ever died, rest in peace
Until that final life that will never cease.

[chorus until end]

  • 13 Replies
Strop
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Strop
10,817 posts
Bard

Hmm, it's not half bad, you know. And knowing parts of your background, I can see the Christian undertones in it, but presented in a subtle way...which frankly is better than I can say for the majority of religiously-themed popular music these days.

Some years ago I also wrote a rap in a similar meter (as far as I can tell) with similar mood except it was actually told from the perspective of a dying man. I don't have it here right now but it might have been interesting to compare the two!

Parsat
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Parsat
2,180 posts
Blacksmith

I'd like to see the one you wrote if you put it over here.

I didn't intend for the main message to be religious. I'm pretty sure it's a common, overarching theme that everyone can understand, but I am not a secular person. To me secularizing a topic like this would not do justice. So I know I put Christian influences, but my intention was not to create a strictly Christian song.

firetail_madness
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firetail_madness
20,593 posts
Blacksmith

The rhymes aren't the best, but the good thing about this poem is that it has a meaning. Pretty good. Try singing it and recording it. I want to hear it xD

Ricador
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Ricador
3,722 posts
Shepherd

Even though we're separated by tongues and mothers


That line confused me for a few seconds. I think you should try to make it more blatant that you mean language.

There are idiots out there who literally think you mean tongues.
Parsat
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Parsat
2,180 posts
Blacksmith

Languages and cultures, that's what it means. Unless you expect me to write an idiot's guide to the whole thing, I'd rather just hope the idiots would shut their mouths or think about it a little more. (not as bad as T.S. Eliot, at least)

Strop
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Strop
10,817 posts
Bard

Idiots can think what idiots think, this is an artistic pursuit!

I have a question- where's a good place (that is not youtube) to upload sound files?

As of now I'm a secular person with a strong family background of Christianity; as a result I tend to write from a secular perspective but occasionally use Biblical references that have been distorted. I'm aware that this may be vaguely blasphemeous, so I hope this does not cause too much tension.

Anyway, the verses I'm submitting here have absolutely nothing to do with the above, so it should be okay: it would serve as an interesting contrast. Meter wise, the main difference really would be that the chorus is in the same flow, as opposed to sung.

This actually comes from a project that stemmed from a far-fetched hypothetical I had in high school- "what would it be like if somehow there was cause for a violent revolution in a country like Australia?" It's a bit...gangsta but please...ignore that :P

Flashback

I remember days from the times of old,
Fragmented images outlined in bold,
Of bats and toys and tennis racquets,
And matchbox racers and plastic maquettes,
And a time when Maccas was a four star restaurant,
And sexism was a schoolyard taunt,
And socks rolled high and uniforms pressed,
When our mothers dictated how we were dressed,
And high pitched shrilling and temper tantrums,
And rules of playtime chanted like mantras,
Times long past into the land of never,
Some things haven't changed others lost forever,
And each image flashes me by,
As I sit here feeling myself gradually die,
Feeling myself slipping away as I drift,
As my mind envelops in a hazy red mist,

CHORUS:

Blood on my fingertips pressed to my shoulder,
Holes punched through my body and the world gets colder,
And fires flicker from the remnants of a fight,
Reflected in my eyes with the fading light,
Life force leaking rich red leaving me drained,
Once white top irrevocably stained,
No longer concerning, lying on the ground,
Perception becomes incomprehensible sound,
No longer caring only waiting,
For the outcome of forces debating,
Over my own body, watching other bodies crumble,
Ashes to ashes dust to dust I hear myself mumble,
Words coming out in a stream start to merge,
And the points of existence begin to converge,
As consciousness tilts towards white singularity,
And prepares to depart from reality,

Years gone by thrown in a blender,
Various packets marked return to sender,
Each item a varying shade of uniform grey,
Becoming more indistinct each passing day,
More pressing concerns replace simple trifles,
High-maintenance sports cars and assault rifles,
And a burger wolfed down hastily in the back seat,
Of a car in the shadow of a back street,
Looking over oneâs shoulder, always on the run,
Rules the same but they just took out all the fun,
Now the big bad world of political correctness,
Watch what you project, nothing is directionless,
Place your faith in propaganda,
And engage in backstabbing and opportunistic slander,
Play the game, still a game, always was that game,
Second childhood, I somehow thought that was a shame,

[CHORUS]

Past caring, past feeling any pain,
Nothing more to lose, nothing more to gain,
The cause that I stood for, perhaps thrown all away,
No longer relevant, ends where I lay,
Glancing around as if for one last time,
Marvel at the squalor of dust and grime,
And the blood of comrades, turning dark, forming pools,
And inwardly shake my head, we all were fools,
To ever believe we could make a real difference,
With ideas, effort, dedication and persistence,
When the world is already engulfed in its own flame,
Too late to save it, just try to pass the blame,
No longer wishing to hold on to this perception,
Journey through the tunnel to the final reception,
Sensation of being drawn gently back,
And my vision fades to black,
And my vision fades to black...

[ftb]

(2006)

Parsat
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Parsat
2,180 posts
Blacksmith

Hmm...much darker. From the point of view of a rap, the first stanza's repeated "ands" don't go too well with the rhythm of the whole thing, and the chorus seems a little lengthy. The second stanza (not the chorus) is the most brilliant though. It went along well with this beat.

Strop
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Strop
10,817 posts
Bard

Yeah, I'm not so sure it's rap, but almost theatrical prose. The "...and...and" passage was poorly scanned so those "ands" really don't go at the start of each line, it just runs on in suspension which sounds alright when done correctly. Interpretation is important- I always imagined that this was spoken by somebody riddle with holes, trying to gasp their next and possibly last breath. So many of the phrases are punctuated by rasping breaths...very un-rap-like.

Parsat
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Parsat
2,180 posts
Blacksmith

Fair enough. Nice desperate stream of consciousness.

Ernie15
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Ernie15
13,351 posts
Bard

It would be better if we knew the melody. Remember, one of the ways rap songs are judged is by their melody...

skater_kid_who_pwns
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skater_kid_who_pwns
4,376 posts
Blacksmith

Wow, SHiz........Parsat, what actually made you come up with this? If you don't feel comfortable sharing I understand but...it was good.

Your religous aren't you? Just a guesse....

Parsat
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Parsat
2,180 posts
Blacksmith

It would be better if we knew the melody. Remember, one of the ways rap songs are judged is by their melody...


Yeah, I understand that. I linked to the beat, but it's a little hard to visualize with just that.

Wow, SHiz........Parsat, what actually made you come up with this? If you don't feel comfortable sharing I understand but...it was good.
Your religous aren't you? Just a guesse....


It happened to me in real life, and I am religious.
Orodumk_Korda
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Orodumk_Korda
2 posts
Nomad

I may be still a rookie in the field of poetry, but I found both raps amazing. I have a rap that may go well taking place right before the second rap, but you be the judge of that: (I wrote this rap a few weeks ago, so don't expect it to really fit, sorry no beat yet to go with it.) Enjoy


I have inside a beast
waiting to be unleashed
marching to the steady beat
of the drums of war
the definition of legends and lore
power and fury to the core
kicking down hell's front door
can't find a challenge anymore
why was it so difficult before
and today I soar

(chorus)
I used to be a wanna-be
I used to be respected
I used to be a target
I used to be perfected

Through all the mauling and the brawling
I search for my calling
though I still feel like I'm falling
Am I cursed to be confused
while from all directions I'm confused
there's nothing left to bruise
my body and pain are fused
there's nothing left to lose

(Chorus)

(Bridge)
Reaching higher and higher
crawling through the mire
the situation is getting dire
spreading like wildfire

I should have quit while ahead
but I ran 'till my feet were lead
when I should have died
my fate lied
cursed and forgotten
a once iron grip on reality now molten
it's slipping out of my hands
losing sight of the promise lands
it's now gone

(Chorus)

(Bridge 2)
My sight is blurring
my freedom is slipping
my power is diminishing
my future is ripping
It's gone

Why must I always fight
it's all I know
this can't be right
I can't see the light
my pride and joy being devoured
I'm left without the power
I can't be a coward
I'm not going to watch
sitting on the sidelines
I will take my freedom

(Chorus)

I have to go
I have to run
I will not slow
get aside or follow behind
it's going to be a wild ride
no turning back now
stand your ground
you are now a part of the fight
to take all yours by right

You can't blame me for trying
as I lay here dying
I stepped up and swung
go and finish what I've begun
I can't rest 'till it's done
I used to be a wanna-be
I used to be respected
I used to be a target
I am now perfected

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