Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Nicho's Writing Thread [Archives on Pg 47]
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Since thisnotalt( pretty sure I got the spelling wrong) suggested it, I think I will create a thread just to post my stories. Ok now to find them... *Digs deep into the AMW Section to find his stories*
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Erm...I think changing the thing to Nicho's Soul: The Complex is fine.
It is done. I also heard about your arrangements regarding WoM. Think you can handle them?
I mean, take your time, essentially your delay's buying me more time to get everything in place, so...
Well...I don't know whether I sense sarcasm....but well, I'm doing my best to juggle my massive schoolwork, my training sessions, my social life, my sleep and whatever free time I have left...
Yonder Stands That House
Yonder stands that house I last lived,
The house I finally departed,
Departed for God's crossroads,
Departed and missing in action.
Yonder stands the house I last slept,
The house I finally departed,
Departed amidst a blaze of flames,
Departed and buried six feet deep.
Yonder stands that house I last wept,
The house I finally departed,
Departed whilst I was deep in sleep,
Departed and watching by the oaks.
Yonder stands that house I last ate in,
The house I finally departed,
Departed by a simple mistake,
Departed by a foolish little moment.
Yonder stands that house I last loved,
The house I finally departed,
Departed by a period of intoxication,
Departed all tipsy on champagne.
Yonder stands the house I last lived,
The house I finally departed,
The house I finally departed,
The house I finally departed,
Departed though I still live there,
A shadow occupant to the last.
5 minutes of utter fun and randomness...
You asked for it.
I'll go stanza-by-stanza, if that's good with ya.
Yonder stands that house I last lived,
The house I finally departed,
Departed for God's crossroads,
Departed and missing in action.
I like it. Though, take this with a grain of salt: are you purposefully using 'departed' so much? Because if not, a bit of a variation in vocabulary would be good.
Yonder stands the house I last slept,
The house I finally departed,
Departed amidst a blaze of flames,
Departed and buried six feet deep.
Another good stanza overall, but 'amidst' makes it sound like you woke up and left when it was already on fire DX
Yonder stands that house I last wept,
The house I finally departed,
Departed whilst I was deep in sleep,
Departed and watching by the oaks.
Ah, starting to see the rhyme scheme and meaning by now.
Also. . .you wept a house? Must've been painful for your tear ducts. . . .
Yonder stands that house I last ate in,
The house I finally departed,
Departed by a simple mistake,
Departed by a foolish little moment.
My only problem is that the last line makes it sound like a foolish little moment made you leave.
Yonder stands that house I last loved,
The house I finally departed,
Departed by a period of intoxication,
Departed all tipsy on champagne.
Heh, an interesting stanza.
Yonder stands the house I last lived,
The house I finally departed,
The house I finally departed,
The house I finally departed,
Departed though I still live there,
A shadow occupant to the last.
You repeated 'the house I finally departed' one too many times here. . . .
The last two lines are a great finisher and really hammer home the meaning of the poem.
There isn't much else to say - this is an above-average poem, though it never extends to extraordinary. The flow was generally pretty good, the rhyming was sparse and subtle but added a good deal to the poem, and the phrasing wasn't bad. The poem doesn't really seem to have any progression though - there's a beginning and an end, but no traveling between them. It's kinda like beginning. . . . . .end. Though an empirical meaning could be applied to this in relation with the subject of the poem, I don't get the feeling it was your intention.
It's far from your best poem, but also far from your worst. I'd say this sits comfortably in the middle of your quality spectrum.
Erm actually there was a story behind this.
I was imagining myself...in that lovely little house...
Got drunk...
Didn't notice my cigeratte butt...
OOPS
Just for the lulz, I'll keep track of my poetry contest results here...
Twice Winner
One second Place
One Third Place
Total: Four Entries
I suggest listening to this whilst reading for maximum effect.
Once Broken Considered Sold
So here I lie all worn down,
The driver stumbling beside me,
A pool of red colours the tarmac,
Rose blossoming on the black.
The blue lights fill the air,
Shattered glass like clear crystals,
And I'm just ebbing away like a tide,
But no one cares and that saddens me.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
My body I leave to the gravedigger,
Sold at half the price,
Sold for a dime a pound of flesh,
Lower it into a velvet bed.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
My soul I leave to the Devil,
Sold at half the price,
Sold for a dime a breath of wisp,
Torture it for ever more.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
My blood I leave to my few friends,
Sold at half the price,
Sold for a dime a pint,
To reminisce fond old memories.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
My lonely heart I keep for myself,
For none to take it,
For none to give it,
For no one wants it.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
Thanks a lot that made me really sad. I feel like I am at a funeral.
PS: That was a very good poem, and in case you didn't notice it was so good I felt like I was at whoever it was's funeral.
Well, technically it isn't a funeral, just the road where my imaginary death takes place.
Again, I suggest listening to this whilst reading for maximum effect.
Once Broken Considered Sold
So here I lie all worn down,
The driver stumbling beside me,
A pool of red colours the tarmac,
Rose blossoming on the black.
The blue lights fill the air,
Shattered glass like clear crystals,
And I'm just ebbing away like a tide,
But no one cares and that saddens me.
Sickly crunch of bone and metal,
A black cloud streams around my eyes,
And I'm whispering one last word,
But no one's saying anything and that saddens me.
T'e crowd presses the yellow strip,
Iâm blinded by camera flashes,
And I'm tearing silently one last time,
But no oneâs beside me and that saddens me.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
My body I leave to the gravedigger,
Sold at half the price,
Sold for a dime a pound of flesh,
Lower it into a velvet bed.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
My soul I leave to the Devil,
Sold at half the price,
Sold for a dime a breathe of wisp,
Torture it for ever more.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
My blood I leave to my few friends,
Sold at half the price,
Sold for a dime a pint,
To reminisce fond old memories.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
My lonely heart I keep for myself,
For no one's willing to take it,
For no one's willing to treasure it,
For no one wants a rotten stone.
And I guess it's all over,
Too fast yet too agonising,
Once broken considered sold,
And now it really is over.
And I guess it's all finally over,
Too painful yet too quick for me,
Once broken considered sold,
I still have not accomplished it.
And I guess it's all finally over,
Too long yet too reluctant for me,
Once broken considered sold,
I still have one final thing to say to you.
And I guess it's all finally over,
Too much yet too little for me,
Once broken considered sold,
I still have one final thing I need to do.
And I guess it'' all over,
Too late yet too early for me,
Once broken considered sold,
I still want to see you one last time
But before I can I breathe my last.
And now, it really is over.
Ahh, nice poem! Intersting feel it has, the song, I don't think did really anything to boost the emotion for me. :3
Once broken considered sold,
I still want to see you one last time
But before I can I breathe my last.
And now, it really is over.
Very well written. "Once Broken Considered Sold" Interesting title choice, fits well. Some might say that this isn't your best, but I think it's good.
I like the title, and the poem isn't bad.
I'm going to do it as a whole this time, instead of stanza-by-stanza.
Now, Imma talk about the elements of the poem, how they come together, etc, and the final verdict.
First, the title. Interesting. I quite like it.
Second: the rhyming and meter.
I noticed a few sparse rhymes in the poem, which augment the flow of it. The meter isn't really good, however, which messes up the flow and somewhat negates the added effect from the sparse rhyming. You should really put more focus into meter - it's hurting a lot of aspects of a lot of your poems. Overall, you did well here, but there are a few rather important problems with your technical execution.
Now, onto flow.
This poem typically flows very well. It feels natural and viscous, and most of the words fit well. However, I think that you used the refrain and its small variations a bit too much, which seems to kinda artificially lengthen the poem to no positive end. Also, some of the liens seem a bit long, which makes it a bit of a bumpy read sometimes. But the good far outweighs the bad here. Nice work.
Now, onto overall writing.
The style is dark, sinister, wistful, and overall awesome here. I love the tone and emotion pervading it. There are a few missing words every now and then though. The wording is powerful. Quite powerful. You did a great job here. It's well-written, and the quality shines through. Good job here
Overall, this poem is good. The wording, tone and emotion are top-notch, the storyline is strong, etc. However, your technical execution needs work. The lack of a unified meter or even a loose meterial(I'm allowed to make up words!) pattern hurts it a bit.
I'd call this par for the course for you. It's good, but not great, mainly due to issues that repeatedly appear in your poetry. I like it though. Overall, I'd call it a nice job.
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