Posted Apr 19, '09 at 3:41pm
A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.
The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.
"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.
She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.
The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.
"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!
Posted Apr 19, '09 at 4:19pm
You know in hip-hop music when, as they invariably do, they say "Put your hands in the air like you just don't care!" surely a better sign of apathy would be not to bother.
Posted Apr 20, '09 at 3:24am
why are cooks mean?
THEY BEAT EGGS AND WHIP CREAM.
what happened to the wooden car with a wooden motor and wooden wheels?
it wooden go!
what happened to the wooden car with a steel motor and steel wheels?
IT STEEL WOODEN GO!!!
Posted Apr 20, '09 at 8:08am
Q: What's worse than an elephant in a porcelan factory?
Posted Apr 20, '09 at 11:22am
These jokes are so funny :D.
Posted Apr 20, '09 at 1:06pm
Some, excuse slips saying that their kids could not come to School but, in fact, being written by the kids them self. This is what happens:
Dear school: Pleas exkuse John for being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33.
Top Two Funniest Moments in time:
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
An Iraqi terrorist didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Miss-Spellings have never hurt so much until now:
“The autopsy revealed that Kevin had died from a heroine overdose.“
ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS:
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused autopsy.
The patient has no previous history of suicides.
Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's medical history has been remarkably with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. (Anorexia: Loss of appetite)
She is numb from her toes down.
While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Here are comments made by sports commentators
Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
The following are actual statements found on insurance claim forms where car drivers attempted to summaries the details of an accident in the fewest possible words:
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve several times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother in law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for a plant all day and was on my way home. As I reached an inter-section a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I stuck a pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, stuck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.
The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he'd been knocked over before.
This, is a humorous list made from real comments submitted by welfare applicants.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died, which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing to the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children . . . Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a ten-pound son. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Do not use while sleeping.
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Use like regular soap.
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Fits one head.
Do not turn upside down.
Product will be hot after heating.
Do not iron clothes on body.
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
Warning: Keep out of children.
For indoor or outdoor use only.
Warning: Contains nuts
Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Actual newspaper headlines for 1997:
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF . . .
The doors are never locked.
The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The Preacher says "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" - and 5 guys stand up.
The restroom is outside.
Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck because "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of".
Never in its entire 100-year history has one of it's pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
When it rains, everybody's smiling.
What My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside- I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear,in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you 'look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times-Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY! "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS: "You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE: "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite.... My Mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you."
Actual Church Bulletin Bloopers
The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church
The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles. The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle. The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The Rev. Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus
The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
The topic for our sermon next week will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice
There will be a special collection today to pay for eight new choir robes. These are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones
There will not be any Women Worth Watching this week.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
This Monday we will be holding a 'Bean Supper' in the church hall. Music will follow.
This week we invite any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir
Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
Ushers will eat latecomers.
We have received word of sudden passing of Rev. Smith this morning during the worship service. Now let's sing "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
"Wise Up, O Men of God". Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD - Dr. Hargreaves is better.
Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who is preparing for the girth of their first child.
Please remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community
Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
The 2003 Church Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11
The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.
"The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals".
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
At the Ladies Liturgy Society this Thursday, Mrs Smith will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.
Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth.
Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.
If any of the congregation have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs
If you are going to be hospitalized for an operation, contact the pastor. Special prayer also for those who are seriously sick by request.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time.
Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your ****ation will be gratefully accepted.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa".
Posted Apr 20, '09 at 6:24pm
A TEACHER ASKS THE STUDENT "WHY DID YOU NOT GET PUNISHED WHEN YOU CUT DOWN THE SCHOOLS ONLY TREE?"
THE STUDENT REPLIED "BECAUSE I WAS STILL HOLDING THE AXE WHEN I GOT HOME"
Posted Apr 20, '09 at 7:18pm
Those are all great Royadin. here are some lame ones.
Why did the witch think her broom was so fast?
It had 300-hearse power.
What do you call bird ghosts?
Yea they are suposed to be that lame.
Posted Apr 20, '09 at 10:25pm
LMAO, man Royadin those had me cracking up for half an hour
Posted Apr 20, '09 at 10:49pm
lol yeah man nice
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