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Bronze's random Art

Posted Jul 18, '13 at 8:28pm

Bronze

Bronze

2,337 posts

Finally, some free time to post!

@Ivan
I really like to use my .005. I just have so much control over it because of how small it is. And I've used pastels before, it's been a really long time though.

@pang
Not sure if your offer is still out, but I'm about to post one of my stories (with the illustration of course)

So here it is, The Well. Remember, it's for kids.

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/b0b75b15-bce6-493e-8e41-6ba7fbc9dcfe.jpg~original

     Little children should listen to the warnings of their elders. Bad things happen when you don't. Take Loris for example. A little boy who never listened, and that ended up making his life- well, you should just hear the story first. Hopefully you'll learn from it.

     Loris never minded the warnings of his elders, but he loved to hear stories. The best storyteller of them all was Old Mr. Baker. A man older than the country some thought, but with age comes many tales to be told.

     Loris usually went to Old Mr. Baker everyday demanding stories. Old Mr. Baker would smile his snaggley smile, spit out a thick black glob, and give one weezy cough. His story would always follow. Old Mr. Baker never told the same story, but there was always a lesson within each one. Old Mr. Baker knew that Loris would do his best to go against any lessons taught, so today Old Mr. Baker came up with an idea. One that would finally teach Loris a real lesson. Old Mr. Baker gave his smile...

     He told a tale about the old Loveapple house. Abandoned for years, but no one knew why. Old Mr. Baker knew why, because he was much older than the Loveapple house. He told Loris that the whole Loveapple family had been murdered, and that all of the family members were thrown down a deep well behind the house. No one could live in the house because the spirits of the Loveapple apple family would frighten anyone away. But Old Mr. Baker wasn't warning Loris away from the house. No, the warning was for the well. He told Loris to never go near the well, but if he did, never look in. And if Loris did look in the well, he should never leave without dropping in a coin. If Loris failed to remember the coin, Mr. Loveapple would slowly creep out of the well, gradually crawl towards Loris's house, and casually drag Loris back down the well.

     Old Mr. Baker was done with his tale. As usual, Loris laughed and left Old Mr. Baker without even so much as a thank you. Loris made straight for the Loveapple house, and traveled towards the backyard. He saw the well. There was nothing special about it. Just a hole in the ground and overgrown with weeds, but Loris was still very nervous. Loris inched closer to the well. He was finally close enough to lean over and look in. There was nothing. It was dark, unusually dark, but Loris saw nothing to be afraid of. He laughed even more. Loris started to walk away, but he remembered Old Mr. Baker's last warning. Loris reached for his pocket, but he stopped. Loris had thought of a better idea. Giving his best Old Mr. Baker impression, Loris spat into the well.

     Loris went back to the neighborhood and bragged to all of his friends about what he had done. His friends frowned, they knew the Loveapple story too. Loris grew angry at his friends for not celebrating his bravery. Mad, Loris went home.

     The dark of night came as usual and the morning light came too, but something was wrong. Loris was missing. His family and friends looked all over, but he was never found. Some of Loris's friends suspected what had happened, but none were brave enough to look. They were to scared to find out what was in the well. Old Mr. Baker watched all of this, and he gave his biggest snaggley smile.

 

Posted Jul 18, '13 at 10:09pm

dair5

dair5

2,479 posts

I don't know if it's just me, but it took me a little while to tell the hand apart from the rest of the piece. Once I did see it though it became really clear to me and I felt it fit the story perfectly. My only note would be to make it darker if possible so it sticks out.

 

Posted Jul 18, '13 at 10:27pm

Bronze

Bronze

2,337 posts

I wanted the hand to blend in with the grass around it.  It's something that might or might not be there. Like when you see something out of the corner of your eye, or a shadow at night. To me, the scare is in what could be there.

 

Posted Jul 18, '13 at 11:36pm

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

8,552 posts

Not sure if your offer is still out, but I'm about to post one of my stories (with the illustration of course)

Offer is still out =) If you are ever interested..send me a message, I'll give you email, and we can collaborate.

-----

Now for the story...

Little children should listen to the warnings of their elders. Bad things happen when you don't. Take Loris for example. A little boy who never listened, and that ended up making his life- well, you should just hear the story first. Hopefully you'll learn from it.

I really like the intro..a very classic one. The line "and that ended up making his life-..." could use some alteration, saying how the event didn't "end up making his life" anything other than over. Maybe something like "A little boy who never listened, and that ended up being a grave mistake. How so? Well..you will just have to listen and find out. Maybe you'll learn from it...hopefully."
1) The grave part adds in a nice simple foreshadowing.
2) This is keeping with the "for kids" theme, of course.

Loris never minded the warnings of his elders, but he loved to hear stories.

Later in the story, Loris turns out to be a sort of jerk..which is never hinted at early on. The fact that this is for kids, especially, gives more of a reason to give a notice of him being so. Something like "Loris never minded the warnings of his elders, let alone the elders themselves" would give a nice hint that Loris isn't the sweetest of children.

Loris usually went to Old Mr. Baker everyday demanding stories. Old Mr. Baker would smile his snaggley smile, spit out a thick black glob, and give one weezy cough. His story would always follow. Old Mr. Baker never told the same story, but there was always a lesson within each one. Old Mr. Baker knew that Loris would do his best to go against any lessons taught, so today Old Mr. Baker came up with an idea. One that would finally teach Loris a real lesson. Old Mr. Baker gave his smile...

Since it is a story for kids..the writing style is fine. My irk is the constant use of "Old Mr. Baker"...a horror/scary story, no matter what age limit it is directed at, thrives on flow. I'm usually a big fan of flow, but no more so than in a horror story..for if the flow is messed up, the ambiance of the story becomes ruined. Switching out "Old Mr. Baker" for "The old man" after calling him the former name once should suffice.

Old Mr. Baker knew why, because he was much older than the Loveapple house.

The second fragment really stood out to me, for we already discussed earlier in the story how Mr. Baker was older than most things..so the need to bring it up again here just seems frivolous, and really drags on that idea (him knowing why) longer than it should. "..but no one knew why, except Mr. Baker, of course." is a perfectly able substitution.

but Loris was still very nervous.

I don't like that Loris is so blatantly nervous here. It doesn't fit well with the character model created so far. Maybe "but nevertheless Loris began to feel a bit uneasy,

Loris grew angry at his friends for not celebrating his bravery. Mad, Loris went home.

This just runs together awkwardly..maybe change it to something like "Lois grew angry at his friends for not celebrating his bravery, and stormed off home."

Old Mr. Baker watched all of this, and he gave his biggest snaggley smile.

What a conniving little jerk he is too! haha
*note: you could opt to give Mr. Baker an even larger conniving effect with "Old Mr. Baker watched all this on his way back home from the well, with just one less coin in his pocket." It also adds a little mystery to him..was he personally involved, or did he just go to look?

Anyways..I liked the story! It was a nice simple one, just needs to be tweaked. With the picture..it really reminds me of "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark"

 

Posted Jul 18, '13 at 11:40pm

dair5

dair5

2,479 posts

Oh I get it, there's a little shock when you find it. That's pretty cool. Are you going to do more?

 

Posted Jul 19, '13 at 12:56am

Bronze

Bronze

2,337 posts

Thanks a lot pang. Twas very helpful. I'll probably comment more when I'm not trying to sleep.

Oh I get it, there's a little shock when you find it. That's pretty cool. Are you going to do more?

HECK Yes.

 

Posted Jul 20, '13 at 1:12pm

Bronze

Bronze

2,337 posts

Maybe something like "A little boy who never listened, and that ended up being a grave mistake. How so? Well..you will just have to listen and find out. Maybe you'll learn from it...hopefully."

I really like that. It's also easier for a kid to understand, I think.

Since it is a story for kids..the writing style is fine. My irk is the constant use of "Old Mr. Baker"...a horror/scary story, no matter what age limit it is directed at, thrives on flow. I'm usually a big fan of flow, but no more so than in a horror story..for if the flow is messed up, the ambiance of the story becomes ruined. Switching out "Old Mr. Baker" for "The old man" after calling him the former name once should suffice.

That's true. I was paranoid about using the word 'it' and confusing the reader. Don't know why I didn't think of other descriptive words.

And heck, all of your suggestions are right on point. I really like adding that bit about Mr. Baker at the end too. Thanks again! I'll edit it soon.

And more art for all yall! This next one is a painting IN COLOR! Painting and color are my weaknesses. Ironically, my major emphasizes painting, but I've yet to take a class on painting.

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/d1d7028a-cc82-409c-8b7d-34fab0230f80.jpg~original

The scanner did it's best I guess, but it's still didn't pick all the color up. I did this with acrylics on a tiny scrap piece of paper.

 

Posted Jul 20, '13 at 5:44pm

pangtongshu

pangtongshu

8,552 posts

That's true. I was paranoid about using the word 'it' and confusing the reader.

Ah..I get the same way when writing about a scene between two people. The trick is to find a way to either center most the actions around one person (so that you can refer to that person with "him/her" so that the reader knows which one it refers to) or give one a simpler name, like the suggest "old man".

And heck, all of your suggestions are right on point. I really like adding that bit about Mr. Baker at the end too. Thanks again! I'll edit it soon.

Woo! =D

-----

As for the painting..art is a weak point of mine, mostly because I really dislike art...not like art in general, I dislike doing art..'cause I sucks at it.

Anyways..I likes it...but is it supposed to be a dog, yes? The ear's throw me off and make me think maybe deer with your beard =p

 

Posted Jul 22, '13 at 4:19pm

Bronze

Bronze

2,337 posts

For 50,000 views, here is a win.

http://fav.me/d6emzj0

but is it supposed to be a dog, yes?

Nope

deer with your beard =p

This.

 

Posted Jul 22, '13 at 4:21pm

Bronze

Bronze

2,337 posts

Oops, wrong link.

http://i584.photobucket.com/albums/ss282/BronzeCAE09/hanks.png~original

 
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