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The Fire Rekindled

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Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:20pm

CommanderDude7

CommanderDude7

2,408 posts

Ok so its time for my first short story. I may continue with this bit or maybe write a different one but suggestions and comments are welcome.

"This is not what I imangined when I signed up for this sarge" said Private Jones as he walked up to Sargent Springfield. " Well what did you expect Jones? As soon as they gave you your gun you would go and crush the rebellion singlehandly?" said Sgt. Springfield. "Well no" said Pvt. Jones, " But I expected more than just marching around without seeing a single rebel". Does this kid have an off switch ,thought Sgt. Springfield, Hes only been with us for a week and Im already tired of him. Is this the kind of solidiers we have to stop the rebellion with? "Hey quiet down back there!" shouted Lieutenat Perkins. " YOu want every rebel to hear you and start taking potshots at us before we even get to the town?" "No sir I dont want them taking any potshots at us" said Pvt. Jones. This got a bit of a laugh from the rest of the solidiers as they marched onward to the little hamlet of Spatsville. "I got another question sarge" said Pvt. Jones. "yeah you got a question big surprise" said Sgt. Springfield. "How soon are we gonna get those new reavtive armor suits? You know the kind that are made of the same armor as a combat suit and are supposed to stop direct hits from these" he said as he hefted his regulation automatic energy rifle. "Probably when pigs fly" muttered springfield. "What was that sir?" asked Jones. "Probably when these rebels stop ambushing imperial supply lines so dont hold your breath kid." said Springfield. "But how could rebel get behind-" Suddenly the harsh noise of enegry rifles began to fill the air as the column came under fire. "Get that private down now Springfield!" shouted Perkins as he dived to cover. "Yes sir!" shouted Springfield as he tackled Jones behind a large boulder. "First time in combat kid?" asked Springfield. "Uh yeah sir how did you know?" asked Jones. Probably because anyone one with sense gets down when people start shooting at them though Springfield. "I just know these things Jones" said Springfield. " oh okay sir"said Jones still rattled by the tackle. The firefight did not last ong just enough to inflict a few minor casualties and tie up the whole column. "Come on move it men! We have to get moving and secure that town!" shouted Perkins. "Why sir shouldn't we pursue those snipers?" asked Jones. "Where do you think they came from private? Spatsville is the only town for thiry miles. If we are going to find them anywhere they will be there." said Perkins. "Heh he really got you on that one kid" said Springfield with a laugh. " I guess so sarge" said Jones bashfully as the other solidiers joined in the laughter.  Only about 5 more miles ,thought Springfield as the laughter died down and the march continued, then I can finally get some rest. Maybe the kid will find someone else to bother too, he thought as he moved up a rise in the road. The sargent would have to deal with JOnes for a bit longer as his next question popped into his head and who better to ask then the sarge?

 

Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:27pm

Trumpetfury

Trumpetfury

408 posts

Lol, i do not know why i laughed, but good job overall, i mean, i didnt feel the mood when they got shot at, but thats a quick fix, few synonyms here, few there. anyways, lol i hope your gonna continue it....? or is that it....?

 

Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:28pm

CommanderDude7

CommanderDude7

2,408 posts

well yeah I could have added a bit but I felt it was getting long. I may continue it maybe from the rebels point of view.

 

Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:32pm

EnterOrion

EnterOrion

3,615 posts

One word: Paragraphs. Chop that thing up like lunch meat.

Dialogue of individual characters, different ideas, they all go into separate paragraphs.

Until then, I'm lost. I didn't know who was speaking and when.

 

Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:34pm

CommanderDude7

CommanderDude7

2,408 posts

Sorry about that Ill try and rember for the next bit. thanks for the heads up.

 

Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:37pm

vinster132

vinster132

5,487 posts

Suggestion: Me and knight made an organization, called TSPO. If knight reads this he can tell what it stands for, lol. since I forgot what it stands for. Anyway, the TSPO is sort of a good and bad people group. We more of good though. You can put our organization to business in your story.

If you want to make like a TSPO member talk in the story just do:

"Ahhh yeah," 1 said. I'm 1. 2 And my best buddy. And knight is knight. There are 1-25 members in the TSPO organization. And we'll join the war for sure. Our commanders are the people to give us our missions and objectives. One is HQ, and the other one is Base. As in knight's and my story, HQ is more active in responding. We are a small group. But powerful group. We have a bunch of guns. And speed bikes and car-like stuff. 

I got bored so, I just wanted to suggest this to you.

And the TSPO's worst enemies or rivals are the SF's, and the P's.

The SF (Stick figure) organization. And Police. The TSPO has killed some Police men in the chase. The first ever mission of the TSPO. chasing one certain person.

That is why the TSPO is good yet bad. =D

Again, you don't have to put us in your story. I just wanted to suggest this for fun. =D

Your decision?

 

Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:46pm

CommanderDude7

CommanderDude7

2,408 posts

Okay I got most of that except for the part about if I want a member to talk in my story I do what?

 

Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:49pm

vinster132

vinster132

5,487 posts

Okay, I'll give an example again.

"Ahhh... okay," 1 said.

You just put the member's number. 

But knight you do, " Okay," knight said.

There are only 25 members keep in mind. =D

 

Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:49pm

Trumpetfury

Trumpetfury

408 posts

Sorry Vinny, i have a question for you: 'what?'

 

Posted Jun 28, '10 at 5:50pm

Trumpetfury

Trumpetfury

408 posts

oh, nvm, now i get it.... i hate getting ninja'd. -_-