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My attempt of a story..

Posted Jul 3, '10 at 3:51am

Joey6855

Joey6855

173 posts

To all of the readers of this. I'm aware of the fact that this isn't a masterpiece but please don't bash my first attempt at this. I just wrote it a few minutes ago. So please if you would provide nice, constructive replies. I hope one of you enjoy this.

                               Prologue

The two guards passed each other in the hallway, nodding as the went their separate patrols. 15 minutes had passed when they were supposed to pass again only one guard turned down the hall. He raised his AK and quietly walked down the hall, he saw a shadow, silently creeping behind a crate. Then as he approached the crate a hand slipped down and covered his mouth and he felt the cold steel of a blade at his throat. And from the shadow he previously seen emerged a man in a full black combat suit, night-vision goggles, and a balaclava. The man reached out taking the mans AK and laying it down without the slightest clink.
The man then pulled his own blade and spun the guard around only to see another man,dressed the same, drop from a overhead pipe. The men lead the guard to a empty room and tied him to a chair. They spoke in muffled voices.
    “How would you go by shutting down this factory?”
The guard sat in silence only to be punched in the jaw by the second man.
    “I believe  I asked how to shut down the factory. Where are the fuel lines for the machines?”
    “I..I..I do not know. Please don't hurt me!”
    “Well a guard like you must know something, so tell me before my friend here cleans out your intestines.”
    “Um..the bomb..it was picked up today by these group of men. The buyer, he was bald and had a southern American accent.”
    The second man now speaking, “What was the bomb for?”
    “It...it was for a assassination plot.”
    “A assassination of who?”
    “The president of the United States.”
    “John, we got what we need. Have fun killing him.”

The first man leaves the room pulling of his goggles and balaclava. The guards screams can be heard followed by the muffled sound of a suppressed handgun being fired. Then nothing but silence.

 

Posted Jul 3, '10 at 3:53am

Joey6855

Joey6855

173 posts

Um sorry for double posting but sorry for the weird symbols...I wrote it with a word program and copied and pasted onto here...

 

Posted Jul 3, '10 at 10:40am

CommanderDude7

CommanderDude7

2,408 posts

Yeah the only way to get rid of the symbols is to change the commas and qoutations manualy after pasting your story or typing it in notepad. Thought it was pretty good for start though it might have gone a bit fast.

 

Posted Jul 3, '10 at 2:50pm

Kyouzou

Kyouzou

4,753 posts

That story reminds somewhat of that new TV Show in NBC "The Event"

 

Posted Jul 5, '10 at 2:33am

Joey6855

Joey6855

173 posts

Well guys I've took a few of your alls suggestions and made the begging longer and I hope you enjoy it more, its still sorta choppy in my opinion.

                                  Prologue
Russia, 1800 hours, Mission: Classified

The two agents repelled down the wall of the building into a small crevice that would lead to the sewers of the factory. The turn on their night vision goggles and stalk through the slimey waste. Moments later they find a vent shaft and back to back climb to the top. After Kennedy hauled Johnson to his side of the shaft, Johnson  is the first one to enter the small air vent. Johnson crawls til he finds a grate in the vent and pulling out a flexi-cam, views the hallway and sends the footage back to his partner.
Kennedy decided to take his own way by using a small torch to cut his way through a metal door. He then crab-walks the hunk of steel over to the wall and sits it down, while doing so he hears a small beep in his ear of his communicator notifying him of a video up-link. He views the live surveillance and makes a judge of about 5 minutes to set him-self up for a over take of the approaching guard...
The two guards passed each other in the hallway, nodding as the went their separate patrols. 15 minutes had passed when they were supposed to pass again only one guard turned down the hall. He raised his AK and quietly walked down the hall, he saw a shadow, silently creeping behind a crate. Then as he approached the crate a hand slipped down and covered his mouth and he felt the cold steel of a blade at his throat. And from the shadow he previously seen emerged a man in a full black combat suit, night-vision goggles, and a balaclava. The man reached out taking the mans AK and laying it down without the slightest clink.
The man then pulled his own blade and spun the guard around only to see another man,dressed the same, drop from a overhead pipe. The men lead the guard to a empty room and tied him to a chair. They spoke in muffled voices.
    "How would you go by shutting down this factory?"
The guard sat in silence only to be punched in the jaw by the second man.
    "I believe  I asked how to shut down the factory. Where are the fuel lines for the machines?"
    "I..I..I do not know. Please don't hurt me!"
    “Well a guard like you must know something, so tell me before my friend here cleans out your intestines."
    “Um..the bomb..it was picked up today by these group of men. The buyer, he was bald and had a southern American accent."
    Johnson now speaking, "What was the bomb for?"
    "It...it was for a assassination plot."
    "A assassination of who?"
    "The president of the United States."
    "Johnson, we got what we need. Have fun killing him."
The first man leaves the room pulling of his goggles and balaclava. The guards screams can be heard followed by the muffled sound of a suppressed handgun being fired. Then nothing but silence.

 

Posted Jul 5, '10 at 3:14am

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,216 posts

Is english your first lanuage? If it is, it is kind of sad to see that you don't get how to use tenses of your verbs... It has a nice idea, but I'm not into realistic type stories. Nice details, but it is a bit choppy. Especially around here:

15 minutes had passed when they were supposed to pass again only one guard turned down the hall. He raised his AK and quietly walked down the hall, he saw a shadow, silently creeping behind a crate. Then as he approached the crate a hand slipped down and covered his mouth and he felt the cold steel of a blade at his throat. And from the shadow he previously seen emerged a man in a full black combat suit, night-vision goggles, and a balaclava. The man reached out taking the mans AK and laying it down without the slightest clink.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER START A SENTENCE WITH "AND". Yeah. Don't overuse "he" Then the character you are talking about becomes blurry. Like it did there.

Like I said, Good Ideas, but work on grammar. I would like to see the development in this story, along with your writing skills. Hopefully they BOTH improve. Have fun writing :)

 

Posted Jul 5, '10 at 3:20am

Joey6855

Joey6855

173 posts

Is english your first lanuage?

Yes it is...and i know i don't really use things correctly mainly because English isn't my strongest subject in school. But considering I'm just now starting high-school I think i can improve everything eventually. :D

Especially around here:

15 minutes had passed when they were supposed to pass again only one guard turned down the hall. He raised his AK and quietly walked down the hall, he saw a shadow, silently creeping behind a crate. Then as he approached the crate a hand slipped down and covered his mouth and he felt the cold steel of a blade at his throat. And from the shadow he previously seen emerged a man in a full black combat suit, night-vision goggles, and a balaclava. The man reached out taking the mans AK and laying it down without the slightest clink.

Yea that's the part I haven't redone yet. 0.0 but I'm continuing to work on it as much as I can. Hopefully I'll make it better to where no one will struggle to get through it..

 

Posted Jul 5, '10 at 3:24am

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,216 posts

Want me to help you edit it? I'll show you how to make it easier for the readers to read, and to not overuse certain words.

 

Posted Jul 5, '10 at 3:32am

Joey6855

Joey6855

173 posts

Want me to help you edit it? I'll show you how to make it easier for the readers to read, and to not overuse certain words.

Yes I would if you don't mind too.

 

Posted Jul 5, '10 at 4:44am

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,216 posts

Okie Doke. I will add the differences in [these] and at the bottom, I will show it overall. :)
I love Editing. :DDD

Prologue-
Russia, 1800 hours, Mission: Classified

[I press space 3 times to start the paragraph]The two agents [Names should be introduced first], [Johnson and Kennedy] repelled [Crawled was better fitting] down the wall of the building into a small crevice [tunnel] that would lead to the sewers of the factory. They [+both] turn[+ed] on their night vision goggles and stalk[+ed] through the slimey waste. Moments later they find [found] a vent[+inlation] shaft and [they climed] back to back climb[-climb] to the top. [+ space 3 times] After Kennedy hauled Johnson to his side of the shaft, [delete the above part, it is unecessary] Johnson is [was] the first one to enter the small air vent. Johnson crawls [-s+ed]till he finds [found] a grate in the vent [.]and [-and] [He] pulling [-ing+ed] out a flexi-cam, [surveyed the] views [-s] [in] the hallway [,] and [-and] sends [-ds+t] the footage back to his partner [Kennedy].
[+3space] Kennedy decided to take his own way[.] by using a small torch to cut his way through a metal door.[-.+,] He then crab-walks [-s+ed] [over] the hunk of steel over [-over+,][and slunk] to the wall and [-and] [to] sits [-s] it [-it] down, [-,+.] [W]while [he was waiting,] doing so [-doing so] [he heard a] small beep in his [-his+the]ear of his communicator notifying him of a video up-link. He views [-s+ed] the live surveillance and makes [-makes+made] a judge[-judge+decision] of [-of+to wait] about 5 minutes to set him-self up for a over take of the approaching guard.
[+3spaces] The [-The+There were] two guards passed [-ed+ing] each other in the hallway, nodding as the went [+to] their separate patrols. 15 minutes had passed when they [-they+ the guards] were supposed to pass [+each other] again [+,] only one guard turned down the hall. He [-He+Kennedy(?)] raised his AK and quietly walked down the hall, [-,+.] [+Enter+3spaces] He [The guard] saw a shadow, [-,+and became alarmed, so he] silently creeping [crept] behind a crate. Then [-Then+A] as he approached the crate [+,] a hand slipped down and [-and+as it] covered his mouth [+,] and he felt the cold steel of a blade at his throat. And [-And] [F]from the shadow he [+had] previously seen [+,] emerged a man in a full black combat suit, [-,+along with] night-vision goggles, and a balaclava. The [+n Kennedy] man [-man] reached out taking the mans [-taking the mans+,took the guard's weapon] and laying it down [-laying it down+lowered it to the floor] without the slightest clink.
[+3spaces] The man [-The man+Kennedy] then pulled his own [-own] blade and spun the guard around [+, who] only to see [=to see+saw]another man, dressed the same, drop from a overhead pipe. The men [-The men+ Kennedy and Johnson] lead the guard to a empty room and tied him to a chair. They spoke in muffled voices.
    "How would you go by shutting down this factory?" {Kennedy questioned, threateningly.}
The guard sat in silence only to be punched in the jaw by the second man. [-the second man+Johnson]
    "I believe  I asked how to shut down the factory. Where are the fuel lines for the machines?" {Kennedy asked again.}
    "I..I..I do not know. Please don't hurt me[+again]!" {The guard pleaded.}
    "Well a guard like you must know something; so tell me before my friend here cleans out your intestines." {Kennedy ordered.}
    "Um..the bomb..it was picked up today by these group of men. The buyer, he was bald and had a southern American accent." {The guard said, giving in.}
    Johnson now speaking, "What was the bomb for?"
    "It...it was for a assassination plot."
    "A assassination of who?" {Johnson asked.}
    "The president of the United States." {The guard replied.}
    "Johnson, we got what we need. Have fun killing him." {Kennedy told his partner.}
[+3spaces] The first man leaves [-The first man leaves+ Kennedy then left] the room [+,]pulling of his goggles and balaclava. The guard[+']s screams can [-can+could] be heard followed by the muffled sound of a suppressed handgun being fired. Then nothing but silence [+rang throughout the hall].

Get it? Now I will repost it using the corrections.

Prologue-
Russia, 1800 hours, Mission: Classified

   The two agents, Johnson and Kennedy, crawled down the wall of the building into a small tunnel that would lead to the sewers of the factory. They both turned on their night vision goggles and stalked through the slimey waste. Moments later they found a ventinlation shaft and they climed back to back to the top.   
   Johnson was the first one to enter the small air vent. Johnson crawled till he found a grate in the vent. He pulled out a flexi-cam, surveyed the view in the hallway, sent the footage back to his partner Kennedy.
   Kennedy decided to take his own way. By using a small torch to cut his way through a metal door, he then crab-walked over the hunk of steel, and slunk to the wall to sit down. While he was waiting, he heard a small beep in the ear of his communicator, notifying him of a video up-link. He viewed the live surveillance and made a decision to wait about 5 minutes to set him-self up for a over take of the approaching guard.
   There were two guards passing each other in the hallway, nodding as the went to their separate patrols. 15 minutes had passed when the guards were supposed to pass each other again, only one guard turned down the hall. Kennedy raised his AK and quietly walked down the hall.
   The guard saw a shadow and became alarmed, so he silently crept behind a crate. As he approached the crate, a hand slipped down as it covered his mouth, and he felt the cold steel of a blade at his throat. From the shadow he had previously seen, emerged a man in a full black combat suit, along with night-vision goggles, and a balaclava. Then Kennedy reached out, took the guard's weapon and lowered it to the floor without the slightest clink.
   Kennedy then pulled his blade and spun the guard around, who only saw another man, dressed the same, drop from a overhead pipe. Kennedy and Johnson lead the guard to a empty room and tied him to a chair. They spoke in muffled voices.
    "How would you go by shutting down this factory?" Kennedy questioned, threateningly.
The guard sat in silence only to be punched in the jaw by Johnson.
    "I believe  I asked how to shut down the factory. Where are the fuel lines for the machines?" Kennedy asked again.
    "I..I..I do not know. Please don't hurt me[+again]!" The guard pleaded.
    "Well a guard like you must know something; so tell me before my friend here cleans out your intestines." Kennedy ordered.
    "Um..the bomb..it was picked up today by these group of men. The buyer, he was bald and had a southern American accent." The guard said, giving in.
    Johnson now speaking, "What was the bomb for?"
    "It...it was for a assassination plot."
    "A assassination of who?" Johnson asked.
    "The president of the United States." The guard replied.
    "Johnson, we got what we need. Have fun killing him." Kennedy told his partner.
   Kennedy then left the room, pulling of his goggles and balaclava. The guard's screams could be heard followed by the muffled sound of a suppressed handgun being fired. Then nothing but silence rang throughout the hall.

Sorry if I made any spelling errors lol. But this is what it SHOULD look like. Or close enough, at least.

 
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