Forums

ForumsArt, Music, and Writing

First Line Digest

Posted Jan 14, '11 at 8:45am

jezz

jezz

1,447 posts

Painting a distinct image in the mind of the reader Jess shows the horror one can feel in the confines of a hospital. I wasn't quite sure about the way you approached this one. You seem to paint the hospital as a dreaded place but the last stanza proclaims that it is a place where people are healed and then move on.

Cheers Zaork :)
I'm glad you got the meaning even if you don't realise you've got it, heh. The poem is supposed to emphasise the fear most people experience of going to the hospital, even though it is supposed to be a place of healing. So many people overreact to hospitals (and dentists) and then kick themselves afterwards for getting so worked up!

I was also recalling how my dog reacts to being taken to the vets, if I'm honest..

 

Posted Jan 14, '11 at 1:29pm

CommanderDude7

CommanderDude7

2,408 posts

But would juice from a horse just be milk?

Nope. But its an easily made mistake.

 

Posted Jan 14, '11 at 11:23pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,221 posts

Danke Zaork to noticing that one. I was trying to be a little uplifting then... So..... Yeah. Anymore little digests anytime soon?

 

Posted Jan 15, '11 at 2:36am

Zaork

Zaork

256 posts

In all actuality, that was supposed to be "psychic wars". I had to use spell check on that word and the computer thinks that it is supposed to be physics.

Ah I see. To be honest I think it works better as 'physic' wars.

But would juice from a horse just be milk?

Could be cranberry. If it's from a mighty stallion.

zoark i thought i am writing it?

Go for it. It's just that you missed out on a few pages back there so I thought I would fill in.

got the meaning even if you don't realise you've got it

Ah ok good. I knew that somewhere, somehow, something was going on, however ambiguous.

little uplifting

For me it wasn't so much uplifting as it was soothing and peaceful.

Anymore little digests anytime soon?

Well if you guys liked the style and what I did I can keep at it but if not I will step to the side and let Slayguy8 take charge.

 

Posted Jan 15, '11 at 10:55am

CommanderDude7

CommanderDude7

2,408 posts

I kind of like that two people are judging. Probably easier to judge with two people anyways.

 

Posted Jan 16, '11 at 9:43am

jezz

jezz

1,447 posts

So long as both of you judge the same pages in each installment, mayhaps?

I seem to have killed the FLP anyway >.

 

Posted Mar 8, '11 at 12:58pm

SheWhoMustNotBeNamed

SheWhoMustNotBeNamed

160 posts

I believe it's time for another one, FLP is alive again.

 

Posted Mar 8, '11 at 2:52pm

MoonFairy

MoonFairy

3,221 posts

It's really not the same without Parsat.
Anyone know where he went?
I value Parsat's opinion more than I do others because I think he is one of the best poets on AG.

 

Posted May 13, '11 at 3:01pm

Parsat

Parsat

1,810 posts

I lurk occasionally. Naw, I'm just busy. Don't expect to see me this summmer; I'll be doing short-term missions in Central Asia.

As for the digest, anyone who has the dedication and time to do it ought to be respected. It's not meant to be a "hall of fame" to build people's egos; it's meant to be an encouragement for people to keep contributing.

 

Posted Jun 25, '11 at 11:38pm

waluigi

waluigi

1,647 posts

I think its time to revive this. I'll try for the poetry that has been written during this month so far. Maybe a little practice to possibly judge poetry someday.

As I look out.
Out of the windowsill.
I wonder, I wonder 'bout
That girl up the great big hill.

Her hair, black as the night, falling down to her hips.
Her crystalline emerald eyes filled with the innocence of a child
Her sweat soothing voice from her fine pink lips.
She lays down on the grass as her white robe flows with the wind so mild.

We share a glance, a single glance.
She smiles as I blush by the windowsill
I'm quickly pulled from my revery as she shares a dance.
A waltz with a man by the great big hill.

I realize that the smile wasn't meant for me,
I'm the poet. I write about love while others live it. I quickly grab my quill and take a sip of tea.

~deathopper

I like how this almost seems like a daydream, something I do so often. As you admitted, the lines are definitely off. If anything, I'd say you should increase the length of the lines in the first Stanza to make the lines about equal throughout the poem.

Explore the great unknown, child
Don't tie yourself down deep
Go off into the world, child.
Venture to the mountains steep.

Take your sword and cape;
Your trusty steed as well
Grab your wooden staff
Your cap with its old bells.

Perhaps you'll find a pot of gold
Or a fountain filled with youth.
Maybe you'll just get a magic pond
That only ever speaks the truth.

Do all of this child,
Before you're just like me
My mind is all tied down
There is no room to breathe.

You'll find that your cape
Is nothing but a old white sheet.
And that your steed of war
Is a dog found on the street.

So listen to me, child.
Listen to what I say.
Or you'll regret it
When you're at this day.

~TackyCrazyTNT

Your poems continue to amaze me tacky, and this is no exception. This first couple of stanzas immediately made me think of The Legend of Zelda. After this, I like how you show that imagination and creativity of people shrinks with age. I feel that the last stanza is off, especially the third line.

Keep dreaming,
They all say,
And one day it will come true.
But they never mention,
What you will have to do.

Maybe they don't know,
But at the least they could try.
Instead of leaving you,
Stranded, to die.

Not a hint or a clue.
There is simply,
Nothing you can do.

They tell you to dream,
Of impossible things.
Shoot for the moon,
You'll land with the stars.
But they won't tell you,
Tell you just how far.

They send you on a raft,
Made from the hearts bliss.
Love can withstand all, right?
With love, you can't miss.
That's what they think,
As they send you on your way.
Nothing to be afraid of,

That's what they think,
As they send you on your way.
Nothing to be afraid of,
Love will make sure you're okay.

Then you run into a storm,
And it changes very fast.
Turns into a horrid form,
Your raft will not last.

Love is overcome,
By what the world calls hate.
You jump from your raft,
You can't wait for it to abate.

~MoonFairy

A bit depressing, but true how everyone tells us too follow our dreams, but no one says what lengths we must go through. I love the rhyme scheme of the poem and your ability to change the stanza lengths without a problem. Keep it up!

Glinting in the sun
Light, irridescent rays shine
Bounce off the perfect fruit.

~Maverick4

It's always nice to see something short. Your haikus always seem to be great. I love how you can relate two things completely like that in such a short space, and the adjectives that you throw in are excellent. Keep it up!

Frozen heat,
Like a moment trapped in eternity.
It is trapped in time,
Never to be seen or touched again.

Frozen dreams,
Locked in a cellar,
Hidden in a jar,
To be ignored.

Frozen moments,
Precious memories.
Locked away from time
It itself being a piece.

A slice of cake,
A piece of time,
Both are locked in a freezer,
Never meant to be touched again.

Frozen heat,
No matter how deadly,
Was a moment in itself,
Lived once, but never again.

What liveliness,
Moments full of life and heat,
Yet trapped inside a bottle
And frozen for memory's sake.

~Jeol

Something made with one of my lines! Comparing heat to time is pretty awesome. Some of your lines are a bit lengthy. I think that you should try cutting words out of some of the lines; it's fine to do that with poetry. But I love the poem's theme itself.

Falling like a block of lead,
Wooziness inside my head.
Why did I jump?
My throat gets a lump.

Nearing the waving ocean,
Suicide with extreme devotion.
Same reoccurring theme,
Waking up from a terrored dream.

~Slayguy8

This is pretty good Slayguy. With some of those lines, I feel that this dream is pretty well described. I think that the third line is a bit short. I also think that you should experiment with poetry that doesn't rhyme from time to time (no rhyme intended). But a pretty good poem overall.

I guess I could add more later, if wanted.

 
Reply to First Line Digest

You must be logged in to post a reply!