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Silor,The World Of Human & Beast Story

Posted Apr 7, '12 at 10:44am

emochick324

emochick324

108 posts

Chapter 1:Kaytawna

  Kaytawna woke up that morning,her sleeping bag wet with sweat. Why is it wet? She thought.The flap to the tent opened. "Your up early!"Boomed her father,Stavik. "Well...I must have had a dream that I forgot about..." Kaytawna said. "You do have that illness,"said her father.Barks broke out in the village. "Stay,here..." He walked off."OK father."

 

Posted Apr 7, '12 at 11:05am

emochick324

emochick324

108 posts

^ that lasted afew pages in a note book

Chapter2:Kurt

  Young loner,Kurt had been looking for food. "At least a rabbit..."
He said out loud. Then he saw it,The camp with fire roasted rabbits,venison,and bear."A wolves dream....." His mouth watered. He Barked,soon after a DOG barked. "oh crap.." He barked louder and ran to the village."mmm..." His mouth watered even more.He swiftly stole a peice of venison,when a large male came.

 

Posted Apr 7, '12 at 11:25am

emochick324

emochick324

108 posts

comments recommeded,please comment

sigh,oreo brownie

 

Posted Apr 7, '12 at 2:41pm

emochick324

emochick324

108 posts

chapter3:Kaytawna

She couldn't help but go out side the tent. "father,father if its a wolf don't kill it!"she pleaded. "why not?"Stavik booms.He was looming over the defenseless wolf. "Hes defenseless,all he wanted was venison!"
She cried out. "He invaded my camp and stole my food.Do YOU want to be punished instead?"He asked her."No father,let me take him to the forest,where he belongs!"she begged. "Fine,you better return." He boomed.She walked out of the camp.

 

Posted Apr 7, '12 at 3:49pm

gnosiphile

gnosiphile

51 posts

I like the bouncing back and forth on the points of view, but I think you need to flesh out the chapters a bit more.  Also I think your characters motivations need to be either reconsidered or exposed more fully.  No one who has had to live in a camp environment with wolves nearby considers them defenseless, especially when they're hungry enough to brave humans and fire for a meal.  That makes them more dangerous, not less.  And what kind of a father lets his "sick" daughter wander off with a hungry wild animal?  Unless there's a darn good reason for it, I can tell you as father myself, that the answer would have been more along the lines of, yes you can be angry at me but your protection is my higher priority...now stay still while I kill it.

Cool ideas, I can't wait to see more!

 

Posted Apr 7, '12 at 8:04pm

emochick324

emochick324

108 posts

theres a reason behind is,plus the illnes only happens on certain nights,so their you go

chapter4:Kurt

  This human gives off a firmilar scent,smells like....Mom?!?!? "The fact that he didn't kill you was lucky,the part where I could take you home is better." She said. I can understand her!!!

"The fact that your here is annoying,the fact that I met you is funny,not ha-ha funny funny weird." Kurt said "You can talk to me?"She asked me. "Apparently,unless im hallucinating.You...need to speak to Mage."

"Who?" She asked. "The Mage,his name is Mage."  He retorted."What will happen to me?" She whimpered. "You'll most likely live with us."

 

Posted Apr 8, '12 at 11:30am

emochick324

emochick324

108 posts

Chapter5:Kaytawna

"So where is this camp?" Asked Kaytawna. "In the forest," He retorted.
"To the left."So they went.In their path was a bear."I am the guardian
of this forest path!" He Barked. "Go away or face Death!"

"Why? I lived here all my life."
"Because,its my territory,I take it.Orjon will not let you pass!"

 

Posted Apr 8, '12 at 11:49am

Tobisper

Tobisper

403 posts

the chapters should be longer

 

Posted Apr 11, '12 at 4:17am

Rapyion

Rapyion

651 posts

The idea of it is pretty interesting. Oh yeah, you're that animal controller in my RPG. I can see why you chose that power. Anyways, the chapters should be longer, like Tobisper said. It's still good, though!

 

Posted Apr 11, '12 at 8:15am

Cenere

Cenere

12,941 posts

Knight

the chapters should be longer

As should your posts.

I like the bouncing back and forth on the points of view, but I think you need to flesh out the chapters a bit more.  Also I think your characters motivations need to be either reconsidered or exposed more fully.  No one who has had to live in a camp environment with wolves nearby considers them defenseless, especially when they're hungry enough to brave humans and fire for a meal.  That makes them more dangerous, not less.  And what kind of a father lets his "sick" daughter wander off with a hungry wild animal?  Unless there's a darn good reason for it, I can tell you as father myself, that the answer would have been more along the lines of, yes you can be angry at me but your protection is my higher priority...now stay still while I kill it.

This, even if you are trying to justify it.

The chapters and events needs a lot more fleshing out, even if you only want them to be short events with shifting point of view. As it is, we have no sympathy or understanding for either of the protagonists, and considering you do use the shifting PoV, you have plenty of opportunity to expand on the characters, their thought and actions.
From chapter four, the changing PoV seems to be completely unnecessary for the same reason. You are telling the same things as you would in a generic point of view, you are not even writing it by point of view logics, as you are following both the characters, both of them are written in third person perspective, and there is no distinction between the chapters besides you writing their names in the chapter line.
To be honest, you could successfully merge the chapters together if you have no interest in using the tool you have taken. Not to mention that would make the chapters a lot longer and making more sense. The chapters does not make sense as new chapters besides you trying to change the point of view and failing to do so, and perhaps making out when you didn't bother writing more.

Something else: Your introductory chapter for either character is also seriously lacking. The readers are left with a sense of confusion, and you give them no chance to catch up. This, along with the poor characterisation and descriptions does mean that we are merely reading a text rather than reading a story.

Either way, it is an interesting concept, but as of yet, it has been poorly executed. For the next chapter, sit down and think as a story teller rather than a writer, it might help you writing the story in a compelling a fluent way.
Other than that, you might want to add descriptions after writing your chapters, if you do not feel like venturing into that field of writing just yet.

 
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