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Building One Ninteen (story Emoworks)

Posted Apr 28, '12 at 10:47pm

emochick324

emochick324

3,292 posts

One:A Normal Day

I was playing Pokemon White Version when there was a text on my Ipod Touch 3 genoration.Hey its me,dont text back until 5:00 c ya!osted by:JLC march 5 2012;4:00.
I kept playing til I got to a good save point,Dragon Spiral Tower.My cat Renia jumped on my lap and purred rythmicly."Hey boy! What up?" I asked as I pet him. "5:00 Marie!" Called Trish, my "sis". "Mmmk!" I call back. I texted JCL under my account named EmoWolf24. [i]What do you need? Its time for dinner! you need to hurry! not like your my boyfriend or anything.[b] I teased stupidly.

 

Posted Apr 29, '12 at 9:42am

emochick324

emochick324

3,292 posts

One:A Normal Day (continued)
I was playing Pokemon White Version when there was a text on my Ipod Touch 3 genoration.Hey its me,dont text back until 5:00 c ya!osted by:JLC march 5 2012;4:00.
I kept playing til I got to a good save point,Dragon Spiral Tower.My cat Renia jumped on my lap and purred rythmicly."Hey boy! What up?" I asked as I pet him. "5:00 Marie!" Called Trish, my "sis". "Mmmk!" I call back. I texted JCL under my account named EmoWolf24. What do you need? Its time for dinner! you need to hurry! not like your my boyfriend or anything. I teased stupidly.

Jack was running to Marie's house, only stopping when he got a text. Pffft, shut up, I was in detention! Jack replied.He ran on,5 streets away from Corner Road when a dog ran up. "Woah, big dog! Nice Doggie!" The dog barked and bit him. "Ouch.." he kept running while shaking his hand. He soon arrived, hand dripping with blood.

"What happened?!" I asked.
"Nothing."
"Do need a bandage?"
"Nah."
"Your getting one anyway!"
"Aww...pain is fun!"
"Shut up, How was your day in 'Summer Dentention'?"
"Horrible, now whens dinner?"
"Never if you dont stop moving!"

We soon finished doctoring him And went to dinner. Stake and Brocoli or something. Soon we were up in the attic.
I was looking through Teen Magizine while talking to Jack. "Hey guess what." Jack said. "Hmm?" I replied half listening. "Profesor Lenin died in room One Nineteen yesterday,Heard they didnt move the body yet!" He said. "Your Point?" I asked. "She, is still there, we can go see her and mess with the body!" He said excitedliy.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked jokingly. "Well, I have Bi-polar and I have anger issuses. She was an *******." He said. "Whats your Idea?" I asked giving in. "Drawing a mustache, writing I suck on her forehead." He was about to continue when the doorbell rang. "Marie, Its Miguel and Alehandro!" Yelled Trish. "Not the goths!" He harshly whispered to himself. "They always hit on you!"

End of chapter One

 

Posted Apr 29, '12 at 10:34am

Tobisper

Tobisper

426 posts

"Shut up, How was your day in 'Summer Dentention'?"

"Profesor Lenin died in room One Nineteen yesterday,Heard they didnt move the body yet!"

Well you spelled detention wrong and Professor has two s' not one.
Please refer to what you write before submitting or else you would lack reputation for what you write. Otherwise good job.
 

Posted Apr 29, '12 at 11:59am

Maverick4

Maverick4

6,891 posts

Comma errors, gramatical errors, spelling errors, contraction errors. The 'he said, I said, he said' gets old really quickly. And when you have dialogue, it needs to start a new paragraph rather than being all jumbled up in the same paragraph.

Italics should only be used as the occasional emphasis, or in place of apostrephes to signify a title. IE, The Lord of the Rings insead of "The Lord of the Rings".

If you're going to have posts as continuations of other posts, then you shouldn't include previous posts in the new posts. It makes the story confusing to read, and takes away from any enjoyment that is to be gained in reading it.

Honestly, type the thing in MS Word or something first, so that most of the errors can get picked up. I'm not even going to comment on the actual content of the story because I'm bleeding from the eyes trying to decipher what it's even about. Something about messing with a dead body, which i find to be slightly repulsive.

I know I sound harsh, but if you want to have any measure of success in the AMW, then you need to learn proper writing skills. And that starts with having a basic knowledge of grammatical syntax.

 

Posted Apr 29, '12 at 12:05pm

emochick324

emochick324

3,292 posts

Thanks.

Two:The Vist

Alehandro and Miguel waited. "Pfft, cant wait for night to strike." Said Miguel. Why do I have to be the most normal one? Alehandro asked himself."Good, niether can I?" He said. Five Minutes passed and I came to the door with Jack. "Hi?" I said questioningly. "We were wondering if you want to come with us to the school, to mess with the body." He said. "No, thats our plan, me and Marie's!" Defended Jack. My puppy, Killeru came to me and yipped. "OK, boy, you can keep watch." I said. "Jack we are going."

We cut through Dark Forest to get to the school. "6:00." I said. I crouched down to tie to a tree Killeru, when I felt two pairs of eyes on my backside. Jack automaticly stood behind me.I had brought a Sharpie,a paper clip,and my Ipod touch."Ring did-did-did ding did-did ding ding ding ding!"I pulled out my Ipod and checked my emails.

Trish(New)
Suzy(old)
Dad(old)
Mom(old)
Jack(old)
Trish(old)

I deleted All the old Ones and opened the new one:

Dear Marie Tali Imfo

Mom needs you to buy the following:

milk
eggs
cheese

and be home by ten!
P.S. your missing scary movie night! HEE Ha!
Trish



"She sounds like an infomercial." I commented to myself.We were soon inside,after afew picked locks and I wuz here on the walls. "ITS OH MY GOD!" My Ipod touch again.I didnt bother to check it, so we kept going. They had the room on lock down! they had like a pad lock, police tape,and the original lock!

"Lets go in!"Jack said.
"Nah." Miguel Replied.
"Chicken!"
"Am not!"
"SHUT UP!" I screamed.

 

Posted May 7, '12 at 3:06pm

DrPepperRain

DrPepperRain

77 posts

Very good, you are a good writer you should keep it up. You should do it in a word document or something so you can use spell check. But its still good.

 
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