GENERAL POETRY
His hands, his eyes,
Bloodied and torn;His terror, his cries,
And what we have sworn.
He left, not without sound,
Not without pain,
The way loved ones ought to.
He left, and we stood,
And bawled and terrified
And quiet, but we stood,
And we stood, and cried.
I remember him, I remember;
I can't forget, the look in his eyes--
The terror imbued.
We promised to live,
We promised to survive him,
To survive, in death, and thrive
Our very best to sing the hymn
That he taught us, that he sang us.
His death - his eyes, his hands -
I remember, I remember, I can't forget.
His death is what remains,
All that remains, for new beginnings.
We strive, from Death's own chains,
To build our lifeless lives, and sing,
That hymn, all over again.
Without him.
I don't think the third lines in every third stanza are necessary. I'm not sure about the breaks in assonance (a, e ,i) and consonance (w and t/d/th). On one hand, it "breaks from the chains". On the other, it also breaks the rhythm.
Sunshine and roses
Butterflies on noses
The world was full of light
A light exquisitely bright
But over time optimism decomposes
And the window of light suddenly closes
With no light in sight
In came eternal fright
Filling in the chasms of light
Pessimistic ideas start to ignite
Taking over my mind
Leaving my past all behind
Outward was the world of the Optimist
Inward was the world of the Pessimist
The first two lines had me singing "My Favorite Things" in my head. I think the images might be mixed here. The window of light closes and there is no light but there are chasms of light. Ignition is a a process of starting a fire, which gives off light.
I search once again
for what I have lost
but I gave them away
And I don't remember the costI know not my name
my age nor my kind
for it was taken by a demon
I have now lost my mind
I know that it was for a reason
and that it meant all my family was safe
but I now know no longer the season
nor the time no, not even the date
for months on end I've been stuck here
Mocked, and hurt and betrayed
I have but two friends who're beside me
and for that and one more reason, I've stayed
But now my one chance has arrived here
My freedom at last is in hand
I sneak with them away, through the portal
and arrive on a beach and on sand.
It is here that I see what I'm meant for
I can travel throughout all of space
and time now will stand still before me
though still I don't know my own face.
My friend, Luke and I, then we parted
for our jobs now were not the same
mine was to heal, help and care for
his was to seek exposure through fame
and though now all was before me
I had skills of no imaj'ning or name
but still I felt nothing but empty
For I still had not yet regained my name
And so I began my beginning
A fresh start with me all on my own
with but just one friend, inside me
Nameless, and yet widely known
I abandoned my past and my future
I lived only for the now and the here
but what kind of life is it to live
to be close, and yet never near
And although I gained a new beginning
I can only feel empty inside
for I can remember no feelings,
not love, not hope, and not pride
I saw what life was without companions
with power, but lonely as a star
a small light that shines in the darkness
always watching, but always so far.
I no longer think much of new beginnings
For life will just follow the trend
and if I again must start over
next time, I wish just for a friend.
This narrative needs to show more and tell less. Even so, there's still unanswered quests. All I know is what I have been told and I can't gather much beyond that. How did the escape come about? What happened to the second friend?
Why does the sun go down?
Why does the moon go up?
Why does the sky get dark?
And why do the stars light up?Why do people die?
Where do they go when they do?
Why does it hurt when they die?
Do they sail on a boat with a heavenly crew?
Why do some doors close?
When other doors open?
Why don't they close properly,
When they are broken?
Where did the dinosaurs go?
Why didn't they leave a note?
Why didn't they let me know?
Or step on Noah's boat?
When somethings leave, and another dies too,
The world works this way to begin with something new.
There's a reason for everything, which will come soon,
But for now, just look up, and see the sun and the moon.
The ending feels dissatisfying, because it undoes the four stanzas of build up. This seems less like "a new beginning" and more like "unanswered questions".
The Power of Wind:The Flame lies snuffed
The Earth has crumbled
The Rivers and Oceans dried up
The Light has Faded
and The Darkness remains
But The Wind will not be stopped.
It brings forth the clouds
which summon forth storms
and rains upon the ground
Lightning strikes, ignites The Flame
which starts The World again.
I like the idea here for a storm bringing light back to the world and the way life, through a series of events, comes back. The last two lines are not part of the same sentence as the three lines before it. There should at least be something to show that there is a difference.
HAIKU
After the darkness,
The sky lights up once again;
A New Beginning.
What I like about this entry is that while it touches on the same or similar ideas of other entries it shows more than it tells. The last line could be something more cogent instead of a repeat of the theme.
Death is not for you,
Nor me an immortal end--
A new beginning.
The last line here seems off, as it reads more like the word "but" was dropped instead of putting two things together.
Time rewinds again,
Giving chancèd excuse for
Resolute choices.
The accent over the 'e' in 'chanced' is the not right one. It should be an acute accent where it is currently a grave accent. Overall, the wording is odd, as it seems to unnaturally stretch itself to fill syllables, which might be best left to one-syllable words like "like" and "and".
Spring, Summer, Autumn
Winter has claimed us and yet
Spring will return soon
The first line here doesn't add anything. Without the first line, the meaning would be the same. This tells rather than shows. It could be better if it showed winter (What kind of images are associated with winter?) and showed spring (what kind of images are associated with spring?) or perhaps the transition between the two 9what kind of images are associated with the transition?).
The Sun at its end.
Silence prevails all, Fear not
Life begins anew.
I'm not entirely sure what this is supposed to mean, but I get that life continues. Also, this isn't the right use of "revail", since "revail" used without an object.
First place for the general poetry contest goes to @Koshionos for "The Power of Wind".
First place for the haiku contest goes to @Guest_Pegasus1234 for "After the darkness".
Congratulations! You should get a merit within the hour and a shiny new quest if you do not already have one.
