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Forums → The Tavern → Favorite jokes
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Write down your favorite jokes here
This is mines:
A man is driving in the highwaysand sees a weird sign that says drive quickly, we exchanged a empty cemetery for a hospital.
- 39 Replies
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.
The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.
On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"
Joey and Katie are sitting in school.
Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.
"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.
"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.
"Correct." Says the teacher.
So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.
"Correct again." Says the teacher.
So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"
Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.
The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."
The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
Dirty Christmas Poem
A Christmas Poem
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!
PrettyPro means from the letter H to the letter O.
Ive got one, hope you like it.
Three plastic surgeons meet at a conference. The first, an American, talks about the latest triumph in Californian reconstruction. 'A guy was shot to pieces in a shoot-out. All we had left was his right ear. We took that ear, reconstituted the entire body and now he's back at work. As a matter of fact, he's replaced six men'.
The English plastic surgeon promptly tops the story. 'We had a nuclear accident at a power station, and all that was left was a single hair. We took that hair, reconstructed the entire human being and now he's back at work at the power station where he's replaced twenty men'.
The Australian plastic surgeon is unimpressed. 'I was walking down Collins Street a few weeks ago and smelt a fart. I trapped it in a bottle, got back to the hospital, managed to constitute it into an arsehole and then into an entire human body. That bloke's now the Prime Minister of Australia, and he's put a million people out of work'.
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha that ones classic gotta remember it!
this one pokes fun at americans, its okay, i live in new jersey :P
okay so a chinese man, a mexican man,and an american are eating lunch together during a lunch break at work. the chinese man says "if my wife makes me rice for lunch again im going to jump off that building". the mexican says "if my wife makes me burrito's again for lunch, i'm right after you." finally the american says "if i get a balogna sandwich again for lunch im following both of you"
the next day, they all got the same thing and all jumped off the building.
at the funeral, the chinese and mexican wives both say "if i just changed their lunch, i couldve saved them" they then look at the american wife, who shrugs and says "don't look at me, the moron makes his own lunch"
haha, i remember that one from a couple years ago from a boys life magazine
OK I got this joke from a joke book written by Australian politicians and they have used some real names so you can just change them to whatever you want. Here goes.
A prostitute decides to undertake a new marketing technique by applying tattoos to her inner thighs. On one thigh is tattooed the face of Nick Greiner, on the other that of Wal Murray. Any client identifying one or the other receives a 50 percent discount. If they could identify both, they got a freebie. A succession of customers identify either Nick or Wal. Then the lady happens to pick up an off-duty policeman who couldn't recognise either. 'Nup, I give up,' he says. 'But the one in the middle looks like Ted Pickering'.
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