First, I will post the overall rules, and then I will post the specifics about this week.
Original rules, as stated by Ubertuna:
It must fit the week's theme. It must be submitted by the deadline. It cannot have inappropriate language in it. It cannot be stolen (if you plagiarize, we will find you).
Also:
The poem must be created for this contest A user cannot win two weeks in a row (though everyone is welcome to submit every week!) Only one submission per user will be accepted
As we all know, the winner will recieve a merit, and their poem will be featured on the _Poetry_ page.
OK, on to this week's topic...Again, we are having a style instead of a theme. Also, this week we are having TWO WEEKS to do it, instead of the usual one. Why? Because this will be an EPIC poem. Or, rather, a parody of an epic poem. Generally, epic poetry is very long, and tells the serious story of a heroic figure. Well, this week, the epic figure is YOU! Write a long poem (I'll leave the definition of 'long' up to you, but give it a good go) about the heroic story of you! It can be silly, serious, whatever... just have fun with it. You have two weeks, so have a great time!
Zoph, there like 10 episodes. And NEVER watch it when you go on internet on a Wii on a massive TV at night. It's so freaky. And yeah you are off topic.
Lastly, I like it when the water comes out of my fingers. Actully that reminds me of that disgusting part were he rubs a nettle on his nipple, then it turned red snd milk came out. I'm no girl but that makes me go ew!
Yay judging! I'm sorry for the delay (again), I've been busy lately. Anyway, I really don't feel like writing up a big long judging summary, so I'll just pot the winners.
First Place: NoNameC68
Fuzzy little man peach, taking in air Who are you trying to fool? Fishing right there?
You made a bad catch, you cannot bicker The hook's in his head Foolish mother licker
Now don't despair, he's pleased to meet you You ever go clubbing? You ever drunk bailey from a shoe?
You made your assessment, he knows what you think He's a scaly man fish Now careful, don't blink
He's got something to show you, what a sight He's sharing his secret His mangina light!
Wake in Gregg's place, where are you at? A suspicious cave Don't lose your hat
You can't leave now, why would you plead? Bailey and Gregg What more do you need?
Look at his water paintings, sharing his art Of Old Gregg and Baileys All touching your heart
Now is the question, is it true love? You might as well agree Or hang from above
Now's the time, can you see Love games playing "Do you love me?"
Honorable Mention: FireflyIV
ll alone, Under the the waves. No one to love me, In these dark caves.
I am bored as hell So what do I do? Purloin lonely fishermen Offer Baileys from a shoe
I show him my sketchings I put on my dress I look rather fetching My guest looks depressed
He tries to leave He says he is busy But I can perceive He thinks I am fishy
I tell him a story About the mystical funk He's barely listening He thinks it's all junk
He again tries to leave I am in despair What doesn't he like? My scales? My hair?
O please let him stay! I am O so alone I lack wireless broadand And even a phone
Alas he has escaped! Whilst here do I tarry I thought he was the one I was going to marry
This wound is deep It shall take time to mend I have eternity to recouperate Without one single friend
Fail Prize: Parsat
How Seeing Old Gregg Scarred Me For Life
Quiet day, on a boat, Drifting by with peaceful float, Waiting for the fish to bite, Closed my eyes for some respite, Feeling that something just bit, Woke and then cried "Holy s**t!" If it was land I would have ran From the cannibal merman, But there I sat, rooted on the spot, Wasn't my fault, I don't smoke pot, But the thing was real as he could be Asking why I fished in his sea. "Well," I stammered, frightened so, "I don't know why, I'd better go." "Oh no you're not, you come with me!" And he plunged into my memory.
I woke up from that cold nightmare, Bathed in sweat, shivering, scared. "'Tis only a dream," thought I to clear my head...
Then I saw Old Gregg right next to me in bed.
(it's awesome, but it was the most faily of the lot"
Let's sing a song! I call this one On the Prevalence of Narcolepsy Secondary to Obstructive Airways Sleep Apnoea in spp. draconis (with no offence intended to Devoidless- his airways suck only because he smokes too much).
*ahem*
Every time you hear the story of the brave knight and the cave, That he searched for the dragon and the lady he must save, Said knight was tested by the dragon's ire and his fire, But by the time he speaks of swordplay sigh and brand him as a liar, For it is known to all folk with a brain, and who are sane, That dragons tend, without aim, to fall as if were slain, For they have all been cursed with narcolepsy can't you see, Thus now it falls to me to tell you how this came to be!
One thing that earns a dragon fame is how they are so vain, They value ugly without shame it's more than just a game, You can surely think how generations saw them slowly change, And the younger breeds replaced the aged with features more deranged, With plates that squeeze the skin to folds that flap when in the breeze, And nostrils narrowed to a crease, no wonder dragons wheeze, And twisted necks, and armored sheets, this list goes to my feet, Just imagine, if it's not a leap, when dragons tried to sleep!
When a dragon rolls onto its back the tissues go all slack, All the fat from all those damsel snacks will pile up like a rack, All the things I listed from before plus many many more, Will try to reach the floor and crush the airways to the core! What happens next- the airways flop, and breathing slowly stops, Part of the dragon's brain will hop, then give a mighty prod, The dragon starts not quite awake, but sleep is merely fake, Else the missus gives her mate a shake, since it's his life at stake!
You understand when such a fright comes fifty times a night, A dragon can't, for all its might, put up a single fight, His mind is hazy, tempers frayed, and dozing off all day, It wouldn't be so wrong to say, the missus mightn't stay, Thus the sorry dragon that you fear is exposed before you here, Obstructive airways sleep apnoea the name for this quite clear, There is a way to have him breathing fire in no time, But to say "CPAP"* would be a crime, in the context of this rhyme!
-by strop
*Given due allowance for the translation from dragons to humans, the above information is in fact entirely medically correct. CPAP = Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. It's a mask fitted onto OSA patients which, as the name suggests, creates a continuously positive airway pressure that keeps the airways open so that the patient can breathe normally while asleep and actually get a good night's sleep, stop snoring and maybe even start sleeping in the same bed as the missus again (unless the missus is a real gallant girl and stays in the same bed for the purposes of whacking her husband every time he chokes and turns blue). If the patient has OSA really bad, you can use a BIPAP (bi-phasic intermittent PAP), which makes it easier to exhale compared to CPAP.
Yes, obstructive sleep apnoea is serious business indeed!
"What is underneath that blanket?" thought the silly king Who had come to retrieve from it his stolen golden ring That twinkled with a sun-like brightness that possessed the dragon To steal the ring, but then a ninja with his tongue a-waggin' Told all the dingdong fools and boastful knights the dragon's secret, Yet it is known to all the folk with a brain not to speak it! Now the silly king will surely meet his silly end Wond'ring what was underneath the dragon's blanket bend.
There once was a dragon, flying high up in the sky, but he he had Narcolepsy, so he fell and then he died. wait, i'm not finished! The wife of this dragon, she had narcolepsy too, was weeping over her lost husband, and said "this is bad Juju!" She was terrorizing the village one day, when she fell asleep while breathing fire, she lit herself on fire, and surely her situation was dire! then the P.Y.R.O. police squirted foam on her, and THIS INFORMATION IS CLASSIFIED. THE. END.
This is such a random topic!! LOL Anyway, here it is:
As the dragon was flying over the sea, he suddenly felt so tired that he fell asleep. The waves were rushing up to him, and although he was unconscience, he knew what was happening. He couldn't scream for help or save himself, and as he crashed into the cold water, he woke up, dry, in his cave. and so another day began of him fearing where he will fall asleep that day. Will he be flying over the sea?
