The Apocalypse
Like a mind can lose control,
Like a body can lose a soul,
Evil takes a backward glance,
Good takes its lifeless trance.
Just hearing the bloody screaming,
You wake up and see you're dreaming.
Insane insane bloody horror,
Insane, its insane, complete terror.
What is not seen, it lost control,
What is not seen, Lucifer's soul.
Seeing ones life, fade away,
Screaming forgiveness everyday,
Granted, God takes your life,
The world is done and rid of strife.
Sweet greatness, it takes our way,
Sweet nightmares, drift away.
Nightmarish demons, are rid of thee,
What is there, we cannot see.
A sweet life is given back,
An evil soul will fade to black.
What we see, are two oppose,
But we sit in Hell, all knows,
In Heaven life fades and dies,
Holocaust of evil, spreading lies.
Just like horror, Hell will end,
Hell Lucifer will defend.
Heaven's angels let down wrath,
The Apocalypse, our destined path.
Man has caused all this,
Where they go is the abyss!
Orion has requested that I review his poem.
I'll take it by the stanza.
Like a mind can lose control,
Like a body can lose a soul,
Evil takes a backward glance,
Good takes its lifeless trance.
Even though the firs two lines are uneven, they rhyme well and a pattern was there. The last two were even better, very good, they fit together and they also rhymed very well; "trance" and "glance", you know.
Stanza Rating: 8.5/10
Just hearing the bloody screaming,
You wake up and see you're dreaming.
Insane insane bloody horror,
Insane, its insane, complete terror.
What is not seen, it lost control,
What is not seen, Lucifer's soul.
This one, the first two lines are too long. The word "insane" starts getting kind of repetitive and boring in the next two, perhaps a synonym put there will make it better, such as "raving", "deranged", "unhinged"...plus, they are much more fun words and more specific. The last two lines were pretty good, although I personally think a reference to "to know the face of God is to know madness" type of line would have gone here perfectly, just a suggestion.
Stanza Rating: 7/10
Seeing ones life, fade away,
Screaming forgiveness everyday,
Granted, God takes your life,
The world is done and rid of strife.
Let me point out, because of my Nazism in Grammar, that there should be an apostrophe between "e" and "s" in "one's" in the first line. Now we move on. This is pretty good overall, though the third line falls out of the rhythm and is too short to go with the line that it rhymes with. To lengthen it would perhaps improve it?
Stanza Rating: 7.5/10
Sweet greatness, it takes our way,
Sweet nightmares, drift away.
Nightmarish demons, are rid of thee,
What is there, we cannot see.
A sweet life is given back,
An evil soul will fade to black.
See, the overall message of this poem is either "ignorance is bliss" so you don't know of the demons and darkness that are there, or a more utopian way of life. I really liked how you put "thee" there, old-fashioned speaking, you know, although it would have gone better had you done it with the whole poem as opposed to just that one line. Anyway, a good stanza.
Stanza Rating: 8.5/10
What we see, are two oppose,
But we sit in Hell, all knows,
In Heaven life fades and dies,
Holocaust of evil, spreading lies.
Ttly drknss man!
Haha, just kidding. To be serious now; very good, although I am trying to figure; did you mean to oppose the last stanza with this one? Or is it like, Earth becomes peaceful as war ravages heaven and hell? Anyway, pretty good, although somehow lacking something.
Stanza Rating: 8/10
Just like horror, Hell will end,
Hell Lucifer will defend.
Heaven's angels let down wrath,
The Apocalypse, our destined path.
Man has caused all this,
Where they go is the abyss!
That is good, very good. My favorite stanza. I especially liked the last two lines about how it was all man's fault and we would go to the abyss. Although the "Hell Lucifer will defend" line kind of fell out of rhyme and was too short(perhaps "Hell, the Devil shall try to defend"?) it was a good stanza overall.
Stanza Rating: 9/10
Overall Poem Rating: 8/10