A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
A blonde with her i-Pod on walks into a hairdresser and asks for a cut. The hairdresser misses what type she wanted and asks her again. The blonde does not respond so the hairdresser repeats the question. After a minute or so the hairdresser is fed up so she yanks the earphones from the blonde's head. 20 seconds later she falls dead on the floor. When the police investigate they ask whether the hairdresser did anything, she said she took out the earphones to get her attention. The police then listen to the earphones and they say "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out etc"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Q. What do you get when you line up ten blonds ear- to- ear?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. What does a 375 pound woman and a 375 pound bag of bricks have in common?
A. Sooner or later, one of them is going to get laid by a mexican.
A blond, a brunette, and a red head decide to rob a bank. The brunette and the red head drop the blond off, saying "You remember the plan, right?" the blond says yes, and she goes in. The brunette and the readhead wait for an hour, they begin to wonder what happened. The blond comes running out with a safe tied to her back and a guard runs out with his pants down. The brunette says "you were supposed to blow the safe and tie the guard."
Five blonds and one brunette are hanging on a broken bridge. The bridge is going to break unless someone jumps off. The brunette says that she'll jump off, and the blonds start clapping.
There is a 18th century american war ship going down the sea. The guy in his crow's nest looks out the telescope, he runs down and tells the captain that an enemy ship is coming, and the captain tells his first mate "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate asks "why" and the captain says "So if I get shot, my men do not see that I am wounded and they will keep fighting." They go and fight the battle, and win. The guy in the crow's nest looks out his telescope again, he runs down to the captain and says "there are 20 enemy ships coming." The captain goes. "bring me my brown pants."
Christmas message from Santa I'm sending this message to tell you That taxes have taken away The things that I really needed -- My workshop, my reindeer, my sleigh.
Now I'm making my rounds on a jackass, He's old, he's crippled, he's slow, So you'll know if I don't see you at Xmas, It's cause I'm out on my ass in the snow.
A boy and girl are at a private school, the girl is sleeping and the teacher asks her "Who created Adam and Eve?" the boy poked her with his pencil and she yelled "Sweet Jesus!" "Correct." said the teacher.
The next day she is still sleeping and the teacher asked her "Who created the Earth?" and the boy poked her again and she said "Holy christ!" and again the teacher said correct.
The third day the teacher asked "What did Eve say to Adam after she had so many babies?" He poked her and she said "If you stick that into me one more time I'll break it!"
An Old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the Old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!" The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the Old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!" About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts....... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
