Forums → The Tavern → I Am Self Destructive

BUT, before you judge me, I must explain.

I am NOT self destructive in the sense that I cut myself for attention or otherwise. I AM self destructive in the sense that I occasionally cause pain upon myself, and sometimes at a higher level. I do this as I am intrigued by how the body reacts to injury. Pain also feels pleasurable, while stile painful and uncomfortable, to me.

An example is that today, just for the hell of it, I punched the shit out of a brick wall at school today. I did it simply to see what would happen to my hand. For a while, I thought I might have broken my middle knuckle, as it swelled up and was really red and tender. I also scraped some skin from my first two fingers.
And, the other day, I accidentally cut my palm, and just to feel the pain, poured hand-sanitizer on it. Hand-sanitizer contains high levels of alcohol, which caused it to burn like hell. But instead of yelling, or complaining, I laughed.

So, I do not cause self-injury and pain because I want to numb my emotional pain(I smoke weed for that). I cause self-injury and pain because sometimes I want to feel the pain from it.

But, what I cannot do is cut my own flesh. I can burn it, crush it, or even shock it, but I am mentally unable to cut myself under normal situations.

I believe that it is simply the intensity of the feeling that causes pain to be pleasurable.

Now you can judge me.