post your jokes here, no yo moma jokes, theres a thread for that.. heres one..
a hobo needs to take a dump, he pulls down his pants, but the cops drive by. "what were u about to do?" the cops say. the hobo says nothing, pulls his pants up and the cops drive away.
the next day he trys to take a dump again, cops come, ask him again, and he says nothing. pulls his pants up and they drive away.
the third day the hobo needs to take a dump REALLY BAD, so he pulls down his pants, craps, and puts a hat on top of it. the cops drive by and ask whats under the hat, the hobo says... "its a leprochan! be quiet! their clever little devils, dont scare him away!" the cops honk the horn and tell him to lift up the hat. the hobo lifts it up and says "omg! you scared the living shit out of him!
how do u like them apples xD i laughed so much first time i heard that.
ok ok heres another one my friend told me it. I don't think its going to be funny being read but oh well.
A girl just got hired at a Tickle Me Elmo Factory. After a while the Tickle Me Elmos started coming on the conveyor belt slower. So the man infront tells the boss that the new girl is holding up the production. So the boss confronts the girl and he starts laughing, the girl is standing there with a huge pile of Tickle Me Elmos, and was sewing on two buttons between the Elmos legs. THe boss explains to her that she was suppoesed to give the Elmos 2 test tickles not testicles. Its funnier outloud.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Heres a pretty good joke my friend told me it last Friday.
A kid walks into a whore house with a flattened frog and $100 with him. He asks for the lady with a disease. So the lady tells him to go to the door on the left. He goes in and comes out 10 minutes later. The lady asks him why he wanted the lady with the disease. THe body says, when I get home my baby-sitter will have sex with me and catch the disease, than my dad and my mom will come home. My dad will take the baby-sitter home and have sex with her and get the disease, and after when dad comes home he will have sex with mom and mom will get the disease. THan in the morning mom will have sex with the milk man, and hes the bitch that ran over my frog
my friend sent me this i thought it was pretty funny
Dear Child,
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby. The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?"
The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your maw!"
"Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was a suspect"
"How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?"
"If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap? "
"SHOULD CREMATORIUMS GIVE DISCOUNTS TO BURN VICTIMS?"
"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
"Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"
Robin Williams
âGod gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.â
"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.â
âPolitics: âPoliâ a Latin word meaning âmanyâ; and "tics" meaning âbloodsucking creaturesâ.â
âNever pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.â
âHaving George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!â
"The National rifle association says it ok for hunters to have armour piercing bullets. Is their just one moose out there going 'Bring it on'"
Bill Hicks
âA lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.â
âThey lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.â
âIt's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.â
âI don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.â
Technicallt most of these aren't straight kokes but they are kinda funny.
