post your jokes here, no yo moma jokes, theres a thread for that.. heres one..
a hobo needs to take a dump, he pulls down his pants, but the cops drive by. "what were u about to do?" the cops say. the hobo says nothing, pulls his pants up and the cops drive away.
the next day he trys to take a dump again, cops come, ask him again, and he says nothing. pulls his pants up and they drive away.
the third day the hobo needs to take a dump REALLY BAD, so he pulls down his pants, craps, and puts a hat on top of it. the cops drive by and ask whats under the hat, the hobo says... "its a leprochan! be quiet! their clever little devils, dont scare him away!" the cops honk the horn and tell him to lift up the hat. the hobo lifts it up and says "omg! you scared the living shit out of him!
how do u like them apples xD i laughed so much first time i heard that.
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
i have this friend who just moved from one of the southern states and well he has all this sayings and their helarious..i try to right as many of them down as i can when he says and try to use them when im talking to my other friends...here is what i have so far:
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
