I am writing a book here is the prologue I hope you like it. -------------------------------------- In the year 3056 we are under the rule of a corrupt humanoid leader named Voltar. Voltar is the ruler of the whole galaxy and lives on the comet Hicto. One day some space pirates were crossing into our galaxy, Voltar insisted that they were a threat and declared war on there galaxy. We are losing badly and our supply of solders are running low. In 3087 everything would change for me. "It's all his fault!" I screamed as solders barged into our house to take there new recruit. "No please! Take me instead not my son!" my mother screamed as tears were swelling up in her eyes. "I'm sorry ma-am we are under the orders of the mighty Voltar himself" one solder said as he grabbed my arm firmly. "Thats what worry's me" I said "Come along boy." "No please not him!" I beg of you take me instead!" "I'm sorry ma-am." "MOM!" I screamed as they dragged me outside to the spaceship. Here in this ship my fate would change. The soldiers dragged me onto the rocket strapping me into a seat. "And don't try to escape ya hear me?" said one of the soldiers I slumped down in my seat trying to grasp what was happening. Nothing felt right. My stomach was stirring angry tears running down my face. My hands shaking. I couldn't understand a thing. "What's going on?" I said aloud
CHHPFFOOO Went the rocket ship as we lifted off I gazed out the window and saw my mom grieving on my crying brothers shoulder. "This isn't right." I said with tears stumbling down my face. "...Aaron?" said a familiar voice. "What who's there?" which was a dumb question for me to ask because the rocket ship was full of new recruits. "It's me. You know. Hemon your old buddy from middle school." "Hemon?" I said "Hey it's great to see ya buddy! Come sit here." I said while patting the available seat next to me. He jumped through the air and floated all around the rocket ship by now we were well out of the Earths atmosphere and there was no gravity so we could jump and walk around as we pleased. "So how have ya been Aaron?" "Eh not so great. I'm terrified of war and I just got drafted." "Well. Sometimes you have to overcome your fear in order to-"
KABOOM "Whoa! What was that?" I said while almost jumping out of my seat. "Hang on folks it's gonna be a bumpy ri- OOAH!" "Pilot!" screamed one of the new recruits. I looked over my seat and saw space pirates boarding our ship. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just a few things to randomly say: 1. you should put "said, mumbled, yelled, screamed" etc. etc. With mainly just "said" it gets boring. More emotion gets you through the story! (I know I have to work on this myself...) 2. Literature is highly unappreciated on the internet, and it's amazing you'll get 1 comment when it's here. 3. Well, the plotline, no offense, seems pretty cheesy. The whole "fate would change" thing is a bit overused. 4. ...Spaceships landing on streets? This is aimed near 30 years ahead, or 80, I don't really think that something like that would happen. I'd expect it more into the 2200's. 5. using "KABOOM" or "BOOM" and whatnot doesn't really seem...story like right? especially when one of the characters is the narrator.
5. using "KABOOM" or "BOOM" and whatnot doesn't really seem...story like right? especially when one of the characters is the narrator.
Right. It fits better to a script for a comic with sounds like that. Better describe it: "The sound of the explosion deafened me for a moment" or something similar.
1. you should put "said, mumbled, yelled, screamed" etc. etc. With mainly just "said" it gets boring. More emotion gets you through the story!
It is also a good thing to use a variated language. If you (have not read, have not read) use the same word over and over again, the reader will loose interest.
Literature is highly unappreciated on the internet
QFT - And then again. There have been several cases of people getting their first book published after having it published on the internet. And it appreciated, just not here. Fiction.net, sometimes devArt, places like that. There is a chance of you getting know, especially if you find a place with beta reading (fiction.com, fx), so the story can become better before it is published for real.
Only yes ,some grammatical errors but still, real good
And give the guy a break ,he just wrote this with the BOOMMS! and stuff cause he didnt have to replace that with!
Well this IS about your story but here ,what do you think about my story?? (what ever not story :P) ____________________________________________________________ The Musical Bridge
Music.That makes the world more interesting...And imagine ...Its not just one..or two genres ,but a infinite number...And yet..that world is really complicated , beginning ,not even a end... Look at music like a huge bridge .And everyone thinks the bridge starts from ourself.But no...Music is a very strange world with ,sometimes ,so much pain ... While im sitting here with my "I-Pod" im wondering...how many people respect Bob Marley ,or how many people have been on the concerts of "The Red Hot Chilli Peppers".But of course,that bridge isnt immortal...No bridge is..Because people that go across that bridge wont just go across that bridge for a iternety...Think of people for that bridge like bricks ,or something like bricks.When one brick falls ,that bridge becomes very unstable. If i would be able to make a bridge for people,i would probably make a very strong bridge.Of course not the strongest ,but really strong... ____________________________________________________________
Sorry if its kinda strange ,but i wrote it on Serbian ,so it was hard for me to translte it :P But anyways ,i hope you like it..
1. you should put "said, mumbled, yelled, screamed" etc. etc. With mainly just "said" it gets boring. More emotion gets you through the story! (I know I have to work on this myself...)
I wholly disagree with this sentiment. Why? Because it is unnecessary.
Instead of using said, use action to break dialogue. Take out qualifiers like "...said while...", "...said as...", "...said with...", etc. and leave a sentence there.
Well, i guess the first person narrator belongs to Voltar. Voltar is the ruler of the whole galaxy! And he's losing against some space pirates? That just sounds not right. I would use a different enemy maybe some unknown species of aliens? That would make more sense. ( Or is it a whole galaxy of space pirates? Then i'm sorry).
4. ...Spaceships landing on streets? This is aimed near 30 years ahead, or 80, I don't really think that something like that would happen. I'd expect it more into the 2200's.
This is acctully based around 1000 years ahead..not 30 or 80 >.<
Ok you guys I am taking all of your ideas into consideration. Some people said it was cheesy but then again wasn't "The day the Earth Stood Still" idea cheesy but it still ended up being a huge hit right? Well *grumble* I definitely understand what you all are saying. I am only at chapter two in the story where the boy is in his childhood. So I have the power to totally change the plot-line completely and not change my book at all. And seriously guys you said useing kaboom or boom wouldn't work but if I didn't use it in my story I think it would loose some of it's impact. But then again I could just say the ship rumbled loudly duh. You all said I should put mumbled, screamed, yelled or whatever but what I also say alot in the story is (example) "I HATE YOU" he said while slamming his fist on the table So sometimes you don't need to put in yelled screamed and mumbled you can combined the words with actions and that gives some er PAZAZ. But I know what you all are saying I'll do that. Thanks for the advice! And seriously man cliche? I bet even if you TRIED you couldn't find a plot-line like this. It's definitely original. O.k so there are alot of stories based in the future but none like this. I appreciate all the advice hatred and more. -Me
"I HATE YOU" he said while slamming his fist on the table
Well, the problem I have with this is that "said" is in a calm, relaxed, and relatively "normal" tone while the others would make it different. When you mix normal and "I HATE YOU"...it doesn't mesh well ya know?
I would use: "I HATE YOU!" (gotta put punctuation, and bold really helps when in speech) He yelled, slamming his fist on the table.
Hmm I guess newbie comments aren't even been read.. If they would, thoadthetoad would have noticed that I wrote almost exactly the same comment as him. A simple "I agree with thiswontwork" would have made the same result. But well, he is a gold crown I'm a ugly servant-thingy.. (Normally i don't write hate like that, but well, I'm in the mood =P)
