So in the year 2552, in crows nest, thy had Master Chief, Terrence Hood, Miranda Keyes, Sergeant Johnson and Cortana all sitting in a chair except for Cortana, she was on the table. They we're all in the operation center.
Master Chief: We cannot stop the Covenant. Its a strong team of aliens. Mostly, there hunters. They are too strong mostly when i'm surely the only Spartan alive. Terrence Hood:Master Chief, Keep on the confidence. We will send you a warthog and a mongoose from a pelican to go to the Covenant. We need to shut down 3 towers so that they won't produce anymore flood forms. Miranda Keyes:Right, the flood. So are you saying that, to make flood forms, we need to shut down those barriers? Terrence Hood:Yes, after shutting down those 3 barriers, ill send you 1 pelican so you could come back after your mission if you survive. But, if we shut down those 3 barriers, it won't be over. After, we will need to destroy the prophet of truth, also there cave of flood forms then all the flood forms will be completely gone. After the ship came with thousands of flood, that was annoying before. Now, we will crush them. After that, we will need to team up or maybe not with the elites to destroy the covenant and brutes. Who knows what could happen. Sergeant Johnson:So what are you preparing as weaponry for us. Terrence Hood:Sergeant Johnson, it will be dangerous for you. We are sending 1 pelican with a mongoose inside it with a warthog getting hold outside of it and 4 marines. Not including the pilot. Also, we will give to each marines a assault rifle or battle rifle. To you Master Chief, you will have a sniper rifle and a assault rifle with 2 frag grenades and a bubble shield. We will start tomorrow. Master Chief: Thanks Terrence Hood
It's alright, I'll just explain. Get ready for a few technical terms.
First Person: The first-person narrative mode is expressed through the narrator referring to the focal character as 'I', if singular, and 'we', if plural. For example in your story:
They we're all in the operation center.
But, if we shut down those 3 barriers, it won't be over. After, we will need to destroy the prophet of truth, also there cave of flood forms then all the flood forms will be completely gone. After the ship came with thousands of flood, that was annoying before. Now, we will crush them. After that, we will need to team up or maybe not with the elites to destroy the covenant and brutes. Who knows what could happen.
Those two excerpts are in the first person narrative.
Third Person: Third-person narration provides the greatest flexibility to the author and thus is the most commonly used narrative mode. In every third-person narrative mode, the focal character or characters are referred to as 'he', 'she', 'it', or 'they', but never as 'I' or 'we' (first-person), or "you" (second-person).
An example from the story would be:
Master Chief wakes up. He was still in his armor. No pajama's. So he did a little run around the crows nest to check around if everything is safe and fine. Everything was what he expected like usually. Just safe, fine and many marines sleeping. So then, Master Chief went in the Pelican and saw Terrence Hood just waiting with his Shot gun on his shoulders.
So you see, the story constantly shifts from different peoples' viewpoints. It gets slightly confusing sometimes, I wasn't sure which character you were referring to at some points. If you stick to one, you can bring out the plot and the action of the story better. There's even a Second Person Narrative but I think I'll skip it since not many people utilise that particular style.
Well, it was a little thought. Discard it or refer to it. It's still your choice. =]
Ok as almost everyone likes this story I'll tell you what I think. Your writing skills are just.. just.. just horrible! C'mon use an unique idea when you try to write a story! When i want to read something about Halo I'll buy the official book and wouldn't waste my time on this cr..oops sorry -.- You just haven't got any writing talent! Your grammar sucks, you use the same words all the freaking time, you start your sentences the same way to often, and it's way to much information. Come on who wants to know if the freaking marine is carrying a battle or an assault rifle! Only people who actually played Halo will know the difference! And give the poor marine a name! You wouldn't want to be called randomguy5#! And do not, DO NOT use "gamerslang" in stories! Have you ever read Wtf in a book!!? Write it out for gods sake! And also, you'll have to write number out till 12. So it's one bubbleshield and not 1 bubbleshield, holy sh**! And as Nichodemus said already the timeshifting is annoying!!! And when you start writing you should know what first person or omnisicient narrator is! If i would buy a book like this, I would burn it and dance around laughing cause it's so bad! Stop writing! Maybe you've got talent in, erm, singing! Yes, start singing! But please, please stop wasting Bits of the Internet by writing HALO stories!!!! AHH! I can't stop ranting!!! I'm sorry! Thiswontwork (Ps. Flame me, I'm prepared =P)
Nah...it isn't that bad. However, at some points, it sounds like a military report riddled with cheesy bits. As such:
He saw a big war of 13 infection forms. 3 tank forms of infection and 5 infected drones. In the other side, they had 2 hunters, 5 brutes with each a brute shot, 1 grunt with a needler and 2 jackals sniping with a beam rifle. The 2 hunters just took there weapon and owned every small annoying infection forms. The 5 drone forms we're flying and got the 2 jackals but the jackals killed 1 drone while they we're sniping. The grunt ran away and the brutes we're owning the 3 tank forms with there brute shot. Then, a elite flood form jump from the top of a structure and jumped and infected 2 brutes. The brutes wasn't turning into a food form because its only infection forms that could do that. So now, they have 4 drone forms, 1 tank form and 1 elite form. And, 2 hunters, 3 brutes and 1 grunt with actually 2 plasma grenades but he was hiding behind the stairs of the other side. So the elite form took his plasma rifle and killed 1 brute. The other brutes got there brute shot and charged with there brute shot after the elite form. Then, all the flood drones killed the brutes. The hunters killed the tank form with there gun and then the flood drones did a circle and slowly killed a hunter. The other hunter killed 2 flood drones and then the 2 flood drones killed the last hunter. Then, the grunt came out and throwed the 2 plasma grenades in the air randomly. He was running away and then 1 grenade killed both flood drones and the other one went on the grunt. So no noise or alive people. Just Master Chief.
Instead of focusing much of the writing on the numbers/aliens/weapons, perhaps you should describe the scene more. This is just an example:
He looked coolly at the scene of chaos in the room. A great hulking beast, it towered over him, roaring a war cry. A Hunter. Master Chief watched through his orange tinted visor. His hand slipped to his belt, wrenching a grenade. Stepping back, he flung the grenade; It soared across the room...Time seemed to crawl to a stop, the deadly sphere flying across the blood-stained room, shattering on the wall...in an almighty ball of inferno...
It wasn't actually the best...but it was what I could think up in five minutes...Instead of giving a long winded statistical report, perhaps it would be better to develop it along these lines, it seems more like a story...
The choice of words was rather inappropriate, for example, 'big war of 13 infection forms' hardly fits the scale of the conflict the word war is intended to mean. Skirmish, battle, fight would be better words...
Though sci-fi battle scenes are hard to describe due to repetetive action.
Just some feedback, hope you don't take it as criticism directed at your person! =]
So Master Chief Was the only one alive. But them, when he was going up, the Hunter woke up and stood-up. He took his gun and blast it on the elevator. They had a small crack. He was continuing until Master Chief was up. Then, half of it was broken, he blasted again but before the elevator breaks, he jump and reached the top of it.
He saw 6 brutes each with a brute shot and 1 with a gravity hammer. That one was at the edge so he will probably be the last fight.
A brute screams:There, the Demon is there! All 5 brutes took there spike grenade and throwed it. But they had a glass that block it. A brute says: Ahh DAMMIT! How could we have forgot the glass!
So all brutes charged. 2 and the left and 3 at the right. Master Chief jumped behind the Elevator while trying to keep balance or else he will fall! The 2 first brutes charges and falls down and then gets destroyed and killed! So Master Chief jump back and used his gun to fist on a brute and made him fall. With 2 brutes each side and a deep tunnel behind, Master Chief was nervous. He took his sniper rifle and head shot one brute. He switched back to is assault rifle and then the brute hit him with his brute shot. He got injured! Then, he stood-up. He's shield recovered and he got a random spike grenade on the ground. Actually, 2 of them. He throwed one too far and the other one too close. So both grenades we're around him and then he died. Master Chief dropped his assault rifle and switched it for the brute shot and then found another pair of spike grenades.
The last brute saw him. He took his gravity hammer and run after Master Chief. Then, Master Chief took 2 spike grenades and dropped his weapon. Both spike grenades went on his head and broke his full armor. He throwed back his brute shot in the air and shot 5 times with it then throwed the brute shot at his face. Then, he died.
Master Chief got the Gravity Hammer with a evil smile. He then deactivated a tower. 2 More to go.
Miranda Keyes: Master Chief, we will send you a elephant. Don't worry, you won't be the only one. We will also send you 10 marines but specialized and trained to go on elephants. They elephant has 2 turrets so don't worry.You will be the first to choose your position. They will have 1 driver, 2 on the turrets, 1 sniping the front and one the back. On the with a missile pod down in front and the rest will just be guarding whatever they could. So Master Chief, what would you want to go on?
Master Chief:I would sniper from the front. Very Well said Captain Keyes. See you soon...
