Four score and billions of years ago, our molecules set forth a pattern of nucleotides which later produced DNA and single cell organisms.
These organism ate eachother (take THAT PETA), getting bigger, until they learned to swim. Eventually, they made the trip to land, which the freaking british couldnt do billions of years later with a supposedley unsinkable titanic.
Then, stuff popped up, and the organisms spread. They adapted to their new environments with each new baby. Eventually, the babies became uber complex, killing everything in sight, all with the help of their zombie leader (see: dinosaur jesus)
However, the FSM became angry with jesus's baloney about floods and miracles, so he sent an asteroid. This asteroid whiped out everything, allowing mammals, and then monkeys to thrive.
The monkeys became smarter, faster, stronger, BIGGER!!!! They evolved gradually, giving rise to the Neanderthals and the Cro Magnon. The homosexuals started a war between the two, eventually resulting in the wipeout of the Neanderthal.
Later, the Cro Magnon evolved into modern humans. They spread out through the land, steadily advancing in technology. Then, one day, the muslims decided to close all trade for some god forsaken reason. This lead Christopher Columbus to start a journey to the other side of the earth, India. He later reached India, known as America at that time.
The people he found were known as Indians. He went back and reported his finds. The Spanish bloodhungry noobs, wanting useless land, starting destroying the indians, allowing Europeans to settle.
However, the european colonies got fed up with King George, so they revolted and split. This gave rise to America (america theme song plays). America expanded to achieve a manifest destiny, with the mexican war and the louisiana purchase. Eventually, we got all this land but still a problem about slaves.
Disagreements over the colored folk lead to the southern states seceding, this caused Lincoln and the Evilutionists to wage war on the South. The bloody war caused a lot of deaths and the abolition of slavery.
In the next century, the US went on a drunken party. World war 1, the dust bowl, prohibition, mobs, the rise of the entertainment industry, great depression, World War 2, Cold War, civil rights movement, Vietnam, More Commies, Nixon, Reagan, Bush, and clinton.
Then, a new president came to power. He had only one name, Dubya. Dubya effectively destroyed this nation. But he was re elected because he started two pointless wars after muslims destroyed 2.2 buildings.
Later, Obama rose, and now here we are.
