Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Haiku Contest - Broken Bond (page 531, due: Feb 2)
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- 5,299 Replies
First will follow a general critique to everyone in chronological order as posted, and then the placing.
Hooray! I didn't have to go Grammer Nazi on you guys.
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jacksonghunington
Ashes on the ground,
A reminder of what was.
Ruins of the past.
You describe a scene very well with this haiku. I imagine a burnt out city, totally devoid of life. I get a rather desolate feeling when I read this, so good job. Its also aethetically pleasing, and no problems with awkwardness. Good job.
Nater
Freedom, I have heaps.
Company, I have little.
Reason, I have none.
This was good haiku as well. The descending topic is an interesting thing, and you pulled it off nicely. It really makes it seem as if the reality of the situation is slowly dawning on the reader. Only thing is that the theme was 'Last person on earth', and you say you have little company. Really, you would have no company, unless you count yourself company, so thats a little confusing. Still, you did a good job, so keep it up.
TackyCrazyTNT
This aching silence;
How it presses on my chest.
Wish I still had you.
I like how you took the less obvious interpretation of the theme. Rather than a literal take, its more of a 'Wish I was...' look at it. So thats nice. Its a good haiku, and you used your semi-colon correctly. So good job.
Hympermnestra
I am alone here
And hope I always will be,
Inside of my mind
Again, a less obvious interpretation. This time about being locked away in mentality. You did a good job describing the setting to the reader, so kudos on that. However, you need a little puntuation besides the comma. Maybe another comma after 'here', and a period after 'mind'. Just to help the flow and stuff. Good job, and keep it up.
acmed
No more voices heard,
For me I stand alone, lost,
And I can't find you.
Again, we have another haiku that doesnt take the topic literally. (Maybe those that did take it literally will be the exception? Hmmm.) I like the general idea of it, but its slightly confusing. Mocking the phrase 'Me, Myself, and I' adds some humor to the haiku, but being 'lost', adds some measure of seriousness. SO I can't tell if its a sad haiku, or one where the person is happy to be finally alone. Other than that its fine, so keep it up.
Quirinus1
This barren wasteland.
As I walk on the torn path,
I know I'm alone.
This haiku is a good cross between taking the topic literally, and metaphoricaly/metaphisycally. I imagine walking on some forgotten path through a moor, with the wind blowing sharply. So great job with your description. Only issue with it is that your first line seems to hang a little. Almost as if I want to go 'And... then what.' Its just a slight oddity. Good job though.
invisibleninjagirl
Murdered paradise,
Before, pulchritudinous,
I, alone, despair.
Woah, big words. :P
First, you used 'ulchritudinous' incorrectly. With the 'nous' fix on it, it would go better as something like: She was of a pulchritudinous disposition. Describing the character, if that makes sense. In this usage, you want the 'base' word of pulchritude. Just a poor little semantic lesson.
Besides that, I really like your haiku. I never would of thought of going with that idea, and kudos for pulling it off. Its a bummer though, because you miscorrectly used that one word. Its such a big word, and haikus have such few words, that it really stands out. Still, you did a good job, so keep at it.
GenHarfang
is this... my solitude?
have all others been erased?
finally, im free.
This one wasn't bad. You don't see poetry very often with an elipses in the middle of the line, so thats nice to see. You went with a fairly straight-foreward interpretation of the theme, but you pulled it off nicely. Only thing, is about the aethetics. Capatilize the first letter of each line; it just looks nicer.
HahiHa
Lost and abandoned
You are a blatant symbol
Of mankind's demise
A very depressing interpretation of the theme. It just reeks of worthlessness and despair. Good job actually making me feel bad, you sick person. Only thing, is that you may want to add some punctuation at the end of your lines and interspersed in the haiku. It should help with the flow, which right now is a little awkward. Say it aloud, and you'll see what I mean. So good job making me cry. Keep it up?
Ghgt99
The wind wakes me up
I see not a living soul
I am the last one
A straightfoward interpretation, but a good one none the less. I can imagine it being a very shocking experience waking up and finding yourself to be all alone, and the fact that the shock doesn't come out in the haiku adds a rather dark air to it as the person is clearly comfortable with that though. Woah, long sentence. I would have liked to see some puntucation to help with the flow; commas, periouds and the like. Still, good job, and keep at it.
theregulator
Completely alone.
With no one here, I can go
Without frippery.
Reminds me of a 'Hanes' underwear commercial: WE ARE THE MEN, WHO WEAR NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PANTS!
This one was quite funny. Don't really have any problems with it, just promise me you'll go with frippery as long as I'm around, m'kay? Keep it on, and keep it up.
chitown
I live in a world
Where everyone is zombies
I am all thats left.
Seriously, what is with all the necrophilia? Did I miss a memo or something? This one was pretty good, and I liked it. I like zombies too. So I like that about it as well. ONly thing though, is that if you added may be a semi-colon after 'zombies' to work out that pause that comes naturally when spoken aloud. Other than that, its good, so keep it up.
waluigi
No other with me
On Earth, loneliness replaced
By insanity.
A very realistic haiku, I think. Atleast, its what would happen to me if I knew I was the last on Earth. Don't really have any problems with it, and your punctuation is good. So, keep it up.
master565
The streets are empty.
They have abandoned me here,
To die on my own.
This one was pretty good too. I liked how its more of a 'Last person in my world', rather than the actual world. I imagine some cult ditching a person in the middle of a fading town, with trash blowing about. So good imagery. No real problems with it, so keep at it.
1337Player
Everyone has gone,
I am alone in the world.
What am I to do?
This one was also very realistic. It focuses on the immediacy of the situation, rather than the whole of it. So kudos for that. 'Everyone has gone', to me, seems to be more of a final statement. SO having a longer pause at the end by adding a perioud would make that work out for me better. Just my personal opinion though. Other than that, it looks good, so good job.
deathopper
I am all alone,
Lying on my cold deathbed.
Humanity ends.
This one doesn't scream out the topic, so its really good. The way I interpret it, is that a country is 'dieing', and then collapses, and its people are put to ruin. So good job with that. Your punctuation is good too, so keep it up.
EmperorPalpatine
Unaccompanied,
A lonely soul forsaken,
Never to be found.
I like this one, though I have just one problem with it. How can something thats unaccompanies be forsaken? Unless I misunderstood something? It ends with a finality though, it just says 'The End. Period.', So thats good. Keep it up.
ProfessorOak
A barren wastland,
With nothing but sand and dirt,
Waiting for my turn.
I think this one is pretty good. It seems to me to be more about a group of people, with there only being one left alive. The last one has given up hope, and is just waiting to die. A rather dark interpretation, but I still like it. Keep it up.
GrazingBuffalo
Desolate, empty
Why do I even bother
To remember Them
I like this one, though its a fairly straightforward interpretation. Only thing though, I would add some punchtion at the end of your lines to help with the flow of it. Commas, periods, semi-colons and the like. Just a though. Otherthan that, keep at it.
jaza 'spamlawrd'_m
I have achieved it.
Finally... Waiting so long.
World domination.
I like it, though its a tad vague. I question how you could dominate an empty world, unless thats the point. You have elipses in the middle of your line, which you don't see very often. SO thats nice. Keep it up.
KingLemon
An unearthly howl.
Standing among the ruins,
There is no one left.
Monster goes omnomnom. I imagine some beast thats even everyone in the village. Kinda scary, but good none the less. Keep it up.
FloydTC
I killed everyone
crap, I shot the women too
theyre dead, but not gone...
This one is just downright creepy. Necrophilia is really not cool. At all. I really hope you're joking.
On a more poetic note, I would have liked to see a bit more punctuation. You have a few odd spots in the flow, and that can be fixed by a rewording or adding some commas, etc, in there. Keep at it.
NOTICE:
iMogwai, acidsworddragon. Your entries did not adequately cover the theme, and were therefore disqualified. Sorry.
Ernie15, acidsworddragon, Ibazelle. Your entries were entered too late, and missed the deadline. Therefore, they were also disqualified. Sorry.
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Top Five
Wood Plaque: 1337 Player
Iron Plaque: Ghgt99
Silver Plaque: KingLemon
Gold Plaque: jacksonghunington
Platinum-Merit Plaque: ProfessorOak
Congratulations ProfessorOak! Please contact a moderator or administrator for your merit! Congratulations!
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New Round
I've spent 10 minutes trying to think one up thats good, and hasn't been done before. So now I figured, 'Hey, why not try something new?'. So I've decided to experiment, if you will. Rather than giving you an actual topic, I'm giving you a picture, which you're to write a haiku about. Heres the picture:
The Round will close at Midnight, Friday, June 22. Thats 10 Days from now.
Happy Haiku'ing.
PS: If the picture thing doesn't work out, I won't do it again. If it does, then I think that'll open us up to a much broader range of topics than previously avaliable, plus encourage more creativity.