Forums → The Tavern → How To Be A Bum: An Informative Guide

Now, before I start, I'd like to clarify what I mean by "Bum". No, I am not referring to a human posterior, and if you opened this thread in hopes of learning how to transform your body into a pair of finely sculpted buns I will kindly ask you to leave and take your creepy fetish with you. Next off, I am not referring to a crazy homeless guy who yells at you about his 17 cats before you throw him a few dimes out of pity which he more than likely then attempts to snort out of desperation. No, what I'm talking about is turning you into that one kid who always asks you for some of your lunch, or if you'll pay his bus fare. Well actually, I won't tell you how to be that kid, because everyone hates him and he's a douche. I'll show you how to go about achieving the same thing as him, with none of the negative feedback. Now, without further ado...

How To Be A Bum: An Informative Guide
By: Tony Alesalt

First of all, never bring anything with you. This pertains mostly to food and money (the two main things you're going to want to bum). If anyone sees you paying for something, or eating the lunch you brought they're not going to share, they have no reason to. They need to feel somewhat sorry for you, and feel like they're better for you. You want them to feel like they're helping you out. Make them feel good about you stealing their s*it.

Now that you've got nothing on you, you're ready to get started. The first thing you're going to want to do is, nothing. You can't just ask people for handouts, while it will work on occasion, it just annoys most people and they won't want you give you anything. Just don't mention it. Eventually people will begin to notice. You know your one friend who always gets a huge lunch? Well, he rarely finishes it, and he'll probably offer you little bits and pieces he doesn't particularity want. Which brings me to my next point.

Don't be a fussy little b*tch. The only thing people hate more than people begging for food is when that guy doesn't want what they have to offer. Someone offers you something you take it and be gracious.

Another great way to get food is to go out for lunch with people. Go along, don't be a downer, and get everyone in a good mood. Wait in line with them but when you guys get to the front of the line just step aside and let them order. You will almost always get asked "Aren't you getting anything?". Simply respond that you have no money, but you don't mind staying with them. They will usually get you either 1. a meal 2. something small (a side of a drink) or at least 3. share their meal with you. Another thing you can use to your benefit is the people who don't have any friends who want to go to lunch with them. If they ask you to go for lunch with them, tell them you would, but you have no money. They'll sometimes offer to get you something if you go along with them. Keep in mind with works best with just friends from school, those who you rarely see outside of class. If you're with good friends just go along, you'll probably end up getting something anyways. That method of "I would but..." also works great for other situations (bus fare, tickets, gym pass, etc.)

Now, with a little luck and a good bit of charisma you never have to pay for your own food/small or make your own lunch again. Sure there's a few days that you'll go without food, but you can tough it out 'til you get home, people have suffered worse. Now, this won't happen overnight, but if you can manage to get things rolling you rarely ever need to spend your own money giving you a chance to stockpile at home. And if the need arises that you DO need something that someone wouldn't regularly buy you, promise them you'll pay them back. Then the next day, BRING THEM THE MONEY. If you don't they'll never get you anything. Though if a weekend passes and you don't see them you can sometimes get away with them forgetting, but that's extremely situational. Anyways, get out there be the best little Jews you can be.