Now, before I start, I'd like to clarify what I mean by "Bum". No, I am not referring to a human posterior, and if you opened this thread in hopes of learning how to transform your body into a pair of finely sculpted buns I will kindly ask you to leave and take your creepy fetish with you. Next off, I am not referring to a crazy homeless guy who yells at you about his 17 cats before you throw him a few dimes out of pity which he more than likely then attempts to snort out of desperation. No, what I'm talking about is turning you into that one kid who always asks you for some of your lunch, or if you'll pay his bus fare. Well actually, I won't tell you how to be that kid, because everyone hates him and he's a douche. I'll show you how to go about achieving the same thing as him, with none of the negative feedback. Now, without further ado...
How To Be A Bum: An Informative Guide By: Tony Alesalt
First of all, never bring anything with you. This pertains mostly to food and money (the two main things you're going to want to bum). If anyone sees you paying for something, or eating the lunch you brought they're not going to share, they have no reason to. They need to feel somewhat sorry for you, and feel like they're better for you. You want them to feel like they're helping you out. Make them feel good about you stealing their s*it.
Now that you've got nothing on you, you're ready to get started. The first thing you're going to want to do is, nothing. You can't just ask people for handouts, while it will work on occasion, it just annoys most people and they won't want you give you anything. Just don't mention it. Eventually people will begin to notice. You know your one friend who always gets a huge lunch? Well, he rarely finishes it, and he'll probably offer you little bits and pieces he doesn't particularity want. Which brings me to my next point.
Don't be a fussy little b*tch. The only thing people hate more than people begging for food is when that guy doesn't want what they have to offer. Someone offers you something you take it and be gracious.
Another great way to get food is to go out for lunch with people. Go along, don't be a downer, and get everyone in a good mood. Wait in line with them but when you guys get to the front of the line just step aside and let them order. You will almost always get asked "Aren't you getting anything?". Simply respond that you have no money, but you don't mind staying with them. They will usually get you either 1. a meal 2. something small (a side of a drink) or at least 3. share their meal with you. Another thing you can use to your benefit is the people who don't have any friends who want to go to lunch with them. If they ask you to go for lunch with them, tell them you would, but you have no money. They'll sometimes offer to get you something if you go along with them. Keep in mind with works best with just friends from school, those who you rarely see outside of class. If you're with good friends just go along, you'll probably end up getting something anyways. That method of "I would but..." also works great for other situations (bus fare, tickets, gym pass, etc.)
Now, with a little luck and a good bit of charisma you never have to pay for your own food/small or make your own lunch again. Sure there's a few days that you'll go without food, but you can tough it out 'til you get home, people have suffered worse. Now, this won't happen overnight, but if you can manage to get things rolling you rarely ever need to spend your own money giving you a chance to stockpile at home. And if the need arises that you DO need something that someone wouldn't regularly buy you, promise them you'll pay them back. Then the next day, BRING THEM THE MONEY. If you don't they'll never get you anything. Though if a weekend passes and you don't see them you can sometimes get away with them forgetting, but that's extremely situational. Anyways, get out there be the best little Jews you can be.
Now, before I start, I'd like to clarify what I mean by "Bum". No, I am not referring to a human posterior, and if you opened this thread in hopes of learning how to transform your body into a pair of finely sculpted buns I will kindly ask you to leave and take your creepy fetish with you.
I laughed. But I don't think these are good suggestions. People will notice anyway, if you never have money on you. We all know "short arms bob" whose arms couldn't reach his pocket, and we all make fun of him.
Wow that is the best guide to wasting your life....Even after you had a great one
Actually, no. If you follow this AND get a job you really start to notice. You get a ton of money and never lose any. You just need to realise you can get by with what you have. I'll do another part of the guide revolving less around meals and more around other items you may need.
Actually, no. If you follow this AND get a job you really start to notice. You get a ton of money and never lose any. You just need to realise you can get by with what you have. I'll do another part of the guide revolving less around meals and more around other items you may need.
Seems to be pretty greedy if your not doing it out of honesty.
Seems to be pretty greedy if your not doing it out of honesty.
true. the whole thing seems a little... douchy. It seems like it would be very effective though.
Funny stuff, tony! :-) I definitley wouldn't do this because I'm not a cheap jerk who decieves her friends, but if I were, I would definitely benefit from this guide.
Those tips actually work. Friends of mine started to keep offering me food because I almost never bought any when we hung out... I almost always decline, though, because even though I refrain from buying because of lack of money, I don't feel right letting them spend their money on me.
How to be a Bum: An Informative Guide - Now with Zoph's stamp of approval! Call now and you get a free Graty along with your purchase of $20 or more . . . .
I'll do another part of the guide revolving less around meals and more around other items you may need.
As promised, here is the second installment of my handy-dandy guide on how to abuse your friends and family for your own personal benefit. Today I'll be talking about how to acquire somewhat more expensive things, such as clothes and personal effects. I now present you with...
How To Be A Bum: An Informative Guide Part II By: Tony Alesalt
Now, you're going to need some clothes if you want to go out in public without someone comparing you to an animal significantly less endowed than a horse. Now, with today's trends as the are, you could very easily pay upwards of $100 for a pair of jeans (or a t-shirt if you, god forbid, enjoy Ed Hardy). Now the main way to avoid this is to just not buy clothes. Simple enough, I mean who really needs new clothes? If you get a rip in anything just patch it. It'll work good as new, and seem as if you're making a fashion statement netting you maximum women. If you even do need any clothes, maybe your old ones literally fell apart, ask for them for Christmas or for your birthday. Sure, you may not get your "My Little Pony: Deluxe Neverland Ranch" playset, but just think about it logically. In ten years you won't miss your 10th anniversary edition Bratz doll with too much make-up and no tits, but with a little luck, you'll still be wearing those jeans you got. As far as hoodies go, they're great. No need to patch holes in these babies, because no one will care, it comes with the territory. You don't even have to wash them that much. Awesome!
Now, to go with your generic yet durable clothing, you're going to need some shoes. I strongly suggest you do not get skate shoes. People always wear them loose, which causes the soles to drag and the always destroy the heel from slipping them on. Now I suggest you go with either some Converse Chuck Taylors or Vans Slip-Ons. Both shoes are quite form fitting, meaning the heel work wear out, unless you drag your feet when you walk. Also, both are canvas and look fine if scuffed up a bit (or a lot). They're also pretty easy to repair, all you need is some duct tape. If the hole goes through the sole, take out your insole, cover the bottom with tape, then put it back in. Is the rip is in the canvas don't even bother, they're fine.
Now that your wardrobe is in tact you just need to deal with some personal items, specifically toiletries. Now these aren't to hard to come by. If you ever stay at a hotel take everything before you leave; soap, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, toothpaste. Tooth brushes are real easy to get. If you get a checkup at the dentist they'll give you a ton of oral hygiene goodies. If you don't, when staying at a friends overnight ask if they have a toothbrush you could borrow to brush your teeth. Chances are they'll give you a new one and chances are they won't want it back. Also, try and stay at friend's places as much as possible. You can shower there netting you a free set of all your needed toiletries. It's also a great place to score yourself some free meals.
That's it for now. I may make a third part, though I'm sure of the subject yet. I'm open to suggestions. Regardless, at this point you have more than enough information to become a quite successful moocher.
