Alright, let's do this. Note that this is a running commentary as I read, not reflections.
"We're here, Tacky!" Johnny, my compatriot, drops me off at a sign that says "Welcome to the City of Blades." The city where I had learned how to fight and how to live.
First thought: Why are you writing in the present tense? Not a complaint, I just want to know why. Second thought is "City of Blades? This sounds cheesy."
here; the city
You want a colon, not a semi-colon here. Also, show, don't tell. You should set the scene by showing what is happening. The reader doesn't need a bunch of background info. Here, it's not too extensive, but it could be handled better with showing. Like the line about Johny going to the Capital City could have been easily handled with dialogue.
It's a warm afternoon, the streets filled with the clamor of the city-people.
The comma is incorrect there. Those are two independent clauses. Join them with a semi-colon if they must be one sentence, or a conjunction of some type. I'd suggest avoiding the semi-colon, because the two clauses really have nothing to do with one another. Furthermore, watch your tense in the second clause. You dropped back into the past when the rest was in present.
I make my way through the crowds, keeping a tight hold on my money-pouch. It would be pretty darn bad if I somehow lost it.
Gee, I wonder what's about to happen. After a sentence like that, I will be shocked if the narrator manages to keep her money until the end of the paragraph. If this is foreshadowing, it is heavy-handed. If it's not, what's it doing here?
After I walk a few more minutes, I find what I was looking for. A grin spreads across my face as I spot the Bobbing Inn; famous for its pastries and, of course, drinks.
What we have here is a swath of awkward language. First of all, the "walk a few more minutes" is not a good transition. I know because I try to use it myself, and it's just as unsightly when I do it. I also kinda don't like how the narrator "finds" the inn and then "spots" the inn. Consider merging these thoughts. Next, your semi-colon is incorrect. I suggest: "...Bobbing Inn, which is famous...". One last thing: "of course"? Why is it so obvious that its drinks are famous?
Inside it's dark and cheerful,
I like this line. Nice harmonization of opposites. People like Keats think harmonizing opposites to make meaning is a big deal in art. I don't quite understand it fully yet, but I trust romantic poets. Anyway, this is a great juxtaposition and is an excellent transition into the next paragraph... which is why I think you should end the sentence there instead of welding it to your next thought.
jester's cap
This sounds wrong for some reason. I applaud the effort to work character details into the scene, but something's not working here. I think it's that calling it a "jester's" cap seems like a stand-in for a real description. For example, I'd expect something more than "
irate hat" to describe a tricorn hat. See what I mean? Also, why did you choose the word "amongst"?
cape of bells jingling.
There you go, now you're getting the hang of it... but wait. If she's wearing a cape of bells, how did the bartender not notice her when she walked in? Quiet bells, loud bar or both, I guess.
my heart starts warming up
My first reaction was to reread in case I missed any indication of previous distress. I wasn't aware the narrator's heart needed warming. She's seemed cheery throughout. Also, the diction seems out of place and it seems like it's trying too hard.
over the din
Oh yeah. It's loud. I forgot.
My pack is finally getting heavy, and my muscles start to ache.
Maybe you should say the pack is
feeling heavy. I assume the narrator is aware that the pack isn't actually gaining mass. Anyway, it seems like the narrator just got hit with a
Ray of Exhaustion spell, by which I mean there was no previous indication that she was tired or tiring. After all, she's been in the bar-- I mean, inn -- for what seems like ten minutes. Girl can't hang, I guess.
My feet feel like cinder blocks
Er... in what way? I don't see what this simile is doing here. Are you saying your feet are heavy? Though I liked the "More useful than beer?" line. That was fun, and it goes a long way to characterize Sam and his friendship with Tacky.
Okay, segment over. The story's just spinning its wheels so far, but that's okay. It's allowed. I've met the main character and seen that she is a Fool, as well as meeting some of her other friends. So if we can rustle up a plot and setting, we might have a pretty solid foundation. I am incredulous, but eager for the next bit, if only to find out what, if anything, is happening.
My chief criticism for this section, as I have alluded to many times above, is the lack of life. I can see the main character wading through a blank expanse that I accept is a city or an inn/bar/whatever. None of the scenes really come alive. I feel like I'm just reading words on a page, if you can sympathize with that. Your description must be both evocative and unobtrusive. So those are my thoughts. Feel free to disagree. If something helps you, you're welcome. If not, hey, ignore it. It's your story.
