Same deal as before. Xzeno reads Tacky's stuff part 2:
Yet another reason I wish I wasn't such a light sleeper.
Huh. I rarely meet anyone wish that in those words. Oh well, more characterization.
I notice that I hadn't even removed my Fool's cape yet, and I throw it onto the coat rack as it jangles loudly.
What purpose does the first clause here serve? Also, interesting to notice the capitalization of the word "fool". Perhaps we're about to see some more fantasy world indiosyncracies. Anyway, showing similtanious action is hard.
remove my daggers
Er... remove them from where? I assumed the Fool's cape was removed from the narrator, as she was wearing it, but...
I'm wide awake now, and I have a firm grip on my blades.
Show, don't tell. Wouldn't you rather have the narrator's eyes become wide, rather than her level of wakefulness? This entire opening fails to elicit feelings of excitement, because the action is told.
and I curse myself for being too sleepy to lock it.
Speculation time: This clause is here to deflect the question as to why the door is unlocked, for fear the reader will lose suspension of disbelief. However, this is doing you a disservice, and is maybe a mite paranoid. Anyway, this aside breaks the dramatic tension of the scene. In trying to build fear/anticipation that is so crucial to thrilling writing, pacing is of the utmost importance.
embarassed
The bit about shuffling takes care of this idea. No need for it here.
I breath a sigh of relief and drop my daggers back onto the bed.
Oh. I guess she removed them from the bed. Weird place for them.
Johnny stands behind me, a bitter sneer on his face and my own daggers in hand, dripping with my blood.
Being stabbed doesn't hurt that much. I don't know. Guess it depends on the knife. Anyway, I'm sure this betrayal would have some impact if the relationship with this guy had been fleshed out in any way. Also, she should attempt to preform an action before realizing her "arms and legs aren't listening".
Panic starts to set in, squeezing my chest until I can't breath.
Was "squeezing" a metaphor?
"I got offered a proposition I couldn't turn down."
Heh. His poor grammar undermines the suave demeanor he was indubitably trying to effect.
Suddenly the air seems to chill to ice around me and everything starts coming back into focus.
This paragraph leaves me as confused as our narrator. She goes into a state of intense focus (that apparently chills the air now. Roll with it.) and proceeds to make a few uneducated guesses.
He spits in my face. "And here I thought a member of the Deck would put up more of a fight. Looks like your enemies were wrong, LYNN."
Ooh, "Deck" must be some organization, and apparently at least its members conceal their real names. Interesting setting information. Anyway, the all-caps seems out of place and amateurish. Also, why is Johny being so hostile to Lynn? He was offered a deal, but there's no reason to hate his friend suddenly... or is there?
Ah, so he knows my real name.[...]
This scene seems almost cartoonish. It takes one approach to action and sticks to its guns. I like the whole effect. It was executed competently and seems to fit with Lynn's job/social standing/whatever.
Why did I think I could trust him in the first place?
We're asking the same question. Why would she trust him. Why WOULDN'T she trust him? has he shown previous signs of treacherousness? We don't know.
Johnny swiftly reaches inside his coat and with a snarl, pulls out a chain intertwined with barbs and wire.
Spiked chain fighter! Seems fun now, John, but wait until the hordes of large, multilegged creatures! Anyway, need an "and" before "
ulls".
"A Chain of Thorns?" I laugh. Nothing but a children's show.
It has a name, albeit an uninteresting one. Anyway, it is a silly weapon. Chain whips are useful, but the spikes prevent one form using them to their potential. Now I guess Johny will make his getaw- oh he's dead. Well that was fast. Sort of refreshing bucking of genre trends. Guess we'll never know why he suddenly despised Lynn, I guess.
This whole section flounders in its identity. Character motives are unexplained, and not in a mysteriously intriguing manner. Also, use nouns and verbs to communicate ideas. Don't rely too much on adjectives and adverbs. Your action is hit and miss. The buildup is shoddy, but once it starts, it's rather fun to read. I kinda miss calling Lynn "our narrator". Oh well, I knew it would happen soon enough.
