I decided I'd try and post some of my poems on here, since I liked the first line poem thread so much. I would really like some advice on how to improve. Thanks!
This is from the Nonet contest, for while I'm thinking of an actual topic for my poem. :P
Addiction
The spell has me in its horrid grasp I fight against the straining rope That ties to all I regret That ties to my mistakes I can not forget It consumes me Addiction. Destroys. All.
Watch out, they cry, As a car tumbles from a rail, But it is to no avail, and Churning, charred metal Smashes into Earth, Smashes into Earth, Crashes, Chaotic and corroded, Twisted iron, And from, the ruined rubble, It is silent. And the silence chokes, Though the sifting smoke Drifting from the ruined, Silent as a grave.
My first attempt at some alliteration, some repetition, some rhyming (sorta). Tell me what you think! XD
Watch out, they cry, As a car tumbles from a rail, But it is to no avail, and Churning, charred metal Smashes into Earth, Smashes into Earth, Crashes, Chaotic and corroded, Twisted iron, And from, the ruined rubble, It is silent. And the silence chokes, Though the sifting smoke Drifting from the ruined, Silent as a grave.
That sounds like a Metallica song to me [Death Magnetic, probably.]
Another different kind of poem, sorta. I think it's called a Quadraine. Experimenting FTW! XD
Window
She looks out from her dark room within; The blotched shadows of the leaves kiss patterns on her skin, The light from the sun is reflected in her eyes, She lifts them with heavy lashes and glances at the skies.
She's motionless as she sits, mysterious and alone, Why is she waiting there, for what crime must she atone? Sitting like white marble; is she deep into thought? Is she bargaining for all that she has sought?
Does the acid hurt at all, As it falls from your lips? Does it tear a grudge filled gap, Through your cruel tongue's tip? Or am I the only one, Who feels it delving deep? Burning in my tortured self, Even as we speak? There is more venom than words, In all your falsity, Your poison tears away at me, Until I'm to small to see.
Watch out, they cry, As a car tumbles from a rail, But it is to no avail, and Churning, charred metal Smashes into Earth, Smashes into Earth, Crashes, Chaotic and corroded, Twisted iron, And from, the ruined rubble, It is silent. And the silence chokes, Though the sifting smoke Drifting from the ruined, Silent as a grave.
Pretty good job Tacky! I liked it very much; especially the detail. Very good indeed.
Watch out, they cry, as the car tumbles from a rail, but it is to no avail. Churning, charred metal smashes into Earth, smashes into Earth, crashes. Chaotic and corroded, twisted iron, All is silent from the ruins. And the silence chokes, though the sifting smoke* drifting from the ruins, silent as a grave. ---------------------------------- Those were my changes. I enjoyed the poem quite a bit. It had good expression and was descriptive enough to give a clear picture.
*this part doesn't make much sense :/ ----------------------------------------------------- Good luck in the rest of your thread!
While I do like that, as it makes it flow better, I was just trying to have alliterations with "ruined" and "rubble". I wonder if I could incorporate that into your modified version...
