Forums → The Tavern → Jokes

How many babies does it take to paint a house.... It depends on how hard you throw 'em.

Woman asks her doctor..." I am two months pregnant... when will the baby move?"
Doctor replies "With any luck, as soon as he is eighteen years old."

"Peter, are you drunk?"
"No, I'm just exhausted form drinking all night."

Yo mama so stupid she went to the orthodontist to get a blue tooth

In a city park stood two beautiful statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many, many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold down the pigeon and I'll crap on its head!"

I know you said to type the funniest I have, but this one is a serious contender


A 75-year-old man goes to confession and tells the priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I had sex last night with two 20-year-old girls, and I had sex with each one three times."
The priest says, "How long has it been since your last confession, my son?"
The man says, "I have never been to confession, I am Jewish."
"So why are you telling me this?" asks the priest.
The man says, "I'm telling everybody!"

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look right off her face.

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her âlittleâ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnât overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldnât say a word.
She said, âIâm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.â
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, âWe are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnât ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.â
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute."
The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!"
The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, "Please don't leave me - surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit of a *****..."
The man sits down and says, "Oh, that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant."

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

I have always loved that "keep your condoms in the car" joke

BTW, some of you might find this joke racist, but it is meant to be racist against whites, and I am white

One day, a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man found a genie lamp on the beach. They rubbed it, and when the genie came out he said, "I will give all three of you one wish instead of one of you getting three wishes". So the black man says, "I wish for ships to take me and all of my brothers and sisters back to Africa". The genie says, "So it shall be", and all of the blacks were on ships on their way back to Africa. The Mexican says, "I wish for GMC trucks to take me and all of my people back to Mexico". The genie says again, "So it shall be", and all of the Mexicans were in trucks on their way back to Mexico. The genie then turns to the white man and says, "What is your wish?" The white man thinks out loud, "All the blacks are going back to Africa, all the Mexicans are going back to Mexico..." He turns to the genie and says, "Hell, I'll take a Bud Lite!"

Why'd the kid drop his icecream?
-Why?
'Cause he got hit by a bus.

Why'd Sally fall off her swingset?
-Why?
'Cause she doesn't have any arms.

So a man walks into a bar and says "Ow!"

So a man walks into a bar and sees a horse. He walks up to the horse and says "Hey horse! Why the long face?" The horse replies: "'Cause my wife is dieing of terminal cancer!"

What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
-What?
"Hey! Wheres my tractor?"

What'd the kid without arms or legs get for Christmas?
-What?
Terminal Cancer!

What do you call a guy without arms or legs nailed to a wall?
-What?
Art. Now throw him infront of a door. What do you call him now?
-What?
Matt. If you chuck him a lake, whats his new name?
=What?
Bob.

Knock-knock.
-Who's there?
Gestapo; you're coming with us.

What do you call a man with a shovel imbedded in his forhead?
-What?
Doug.

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

What do you call a Yankee getting T-Bagged by a Sheep?
-What?
Baaaa-brah.

Whats worse than One beesting?
-What?
Two beestings. Whats worse than two beestings?
-What?
Three beestings. Whats worse than three beestings?
-What?
AIDs. Y'know whats worse than AIDs?
-What?
Four beestings.

Maverick, don't think you've gotten away with that.

I know you copied some off the Anti-Joke Chicken. :P

Doctor: I have some bad news, and some worse news.

Patient: Might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your tese result came it, you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse! What's the worse news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Maverick, don't think you've gotten away with that