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aknerd
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aknerd
1,416 posts
Peasant

Friends! Citizens of the mostly-non-alcoholic-Tavern! That guy over there! I come to your Tavern requesting assistance in the most righteous of causes: The War of Northern Aggression!

Or, as some of my fellow warriors call it, The War on Holiday. Yes, for we have all borne the insolence of that pesky Northerner for too long. Down with Santa! Down with Christmas! Down with Holly Jolly Merry Cheer!

There are those out there who claim that WE, the innocent Holidayers, are the perpetrators of this ghastly war. But, until most recently, I never objected to a friendly quip of "Merry Christmas" and the like. Nay, It was they who demonized our equally well-meaning and festive "Happy holidays"! It was they who cast the first Fruitcake!

And I, an observer of the most holy of days, Holiday, am made out to be an enemy of the nation, like some sort of... enemy! I will not stand for this malarkey!

So I ask you, brave denizens of the Tavern, to leave the sidelines of this war of festivities, and join me at the front line. Together, we will be an iron fist shoved into Santa's soft, jiggly belly.

There will be no more Ho-ho-ho-ing! Tonight, we eat Reindeer!

  • 19 Replies
johnmerz
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johnmerz
536 posts
Shepherd

Um... *flees upcoming revolt made by ferocious anti-Christmas user*

CommanderDude7
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CommanderDude7
4,689 posts
Nomad

Tonight, we eat Reindeer!

I wouldn't advise that, its actually pretty terrible compared to regular deer.
Dragonblaze052
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Dragonblaze052
26,677 posts
Peasant

Yeah, Jeol is completely right on that...

Cenere
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Cenere
13,657 posts
Jester

Sounds like that guy in a certain game that decided to be all pissy about the "X-mas" spelling, because it was an attack against Christianity, when, as far as someone else could tell, that spelling originated around the beginning of Christianity.
Also, wasn't there already a thread on this?

zakyman
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zakyman
1,627 posts
Peasant

What camp to the celebrators of Hannukah fall into? I am more inclined to side with the Christmas side.

"Fruit Out!!!!!"

*tosses fruitcake toward aknerd*

Masterforger
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Masterforger
1,824 posts
Peasant

Reindeer are incredibly stupid. The Swedish eat it, along with Norway, I think...
Anyway, TIME TO DIE, CHRISTMAS! (Hector Barbossa's voice); Too long we have had to celebrate a holiday that is not of our religion. Too long have unwilling Christians had to postpone the unwrapping of gifts for after the service. Too long has Santa, the fat man in red, fallen behind and been impersonated by overbearing parents.
No longer.
Now, the end of year will be marked by; (insert witty name here)

aknerd
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aknerd
1,416 posts
Peasant

Um... *flees upcoming revolt made by ferocious anti-Christmas user*

Fleeing? This is no time to give into your most cowardly weaknesses. Come, join us, and place yourself among the great heroes of history!

I wouldn't advise that, its actually pretty terrible compared to regular deer

If Santa's demonic reindeer do not sate your hunger for vengeance, might I suggest a Roast Elf? Their ears have a satisfying crunch, much like the satisfaction gained from vanquishing your enemy.

Sad to say, 'Merry Christmas' I am sure came before 'Happy Holidays'; at least it was the first to catch on.

Only because that most EVIL of saints, that *shudder* SANTA took advantage of a naive, virgin, world in order to spread his hateful propaganda! And then, when we Holidayers tried to embracing a more accepting holiday cheer -at the time we had nothing against Merry Christmas, I might add- BAM! We get slammed to the ground by Santa and his minions.

I remember back when it all began, before I fully understood the extent to which Santa would go to in order to secure world domination...

At the time I was only 10 years old. My family had quietly observed Holiday for hundreds of generations, thousands of years. So my mother thought there was no harm is setting up a Holiday display in the front yard.

The next day, when I returned home from school, I discovered my home burnt to the ground. And hanging from the charred remains of our still smouldering door frame, a wreath. A Christmas wreath. My parent's bodies were never found.

It was then that I began the resistance.

So do not scoff at my claims of Santa's villainy! Join me, my cause is most righteous. Together, we will be Holiday Warriors, avengers intent on restoring the proper balance to the world! We cannot fail! We MUST not fail.

have a Merry Christmas

Some people are so cruel...
Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
26,390 posts
Nomad

I wouldn't advise that, its actually pretty terrible compared to regular deer.

Really? Because Santa Claus himself says different.
"He took a big flamethrower, and he barbecued Blitzen
Then he took a big bite, and said 'It tastes just like chicken'!"

I actually clicked on this expecting some circa 1860's Southern rant against the Yankees, but hey, this is pretty funny too.

The next day, when I returned home from school, I discovered my home burnt to the ground. And hanging from the charred remains of our still smouldering door frame, a wreath. A Christmas wreath. My parent's bodies were never found.

Taken to be shrunk, brainwashed, shoved into green felt outfits with pointy shoes and bells, and put to work in Santa's slave labor camps. Tis a truly terrible fate.
aknerd
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aknerd
1,416 posts
Peasant

Too long we have had to celebrate a holiday that is not of our religion. Too long have unwilling Christians had to postpone the unwrapping of gifts for after the service. Too long has Santa, the fat man in red, fallen behind and been impersonated by overbearing parents.
No longer.


I salute you, fellow Holiday Warrior! Your bravery will not go unnoticed, I assure you. If there were a thousand of you, we would be pillaging the North Pole before the eve of the new year.


What camp to the celebrators of Hannukah fall into? I am more inclined to side with the Christmas side.


Then you have been brainwashed to forget the evils of Christmases past. Santa envisions a world stuck in 364 days of Christmas pageantry, forever miming the rustic birth of some baby. My army welcomes all people of all faiths. We Holidayers pride ourselves on the acceptance of all cultures. But not Santa. No. For the Great Devil was raised by an even greater, more ancient evil.

I am of course referring to Santa's Grandfather and mentor, the Dark One, SINTERKLAAS.

Who, like most grandfathers of things, is horribly, horribly racist. I will not post pictures here, for I do not resort to that level of propaganda. But a quick search for yourself should cement the evils of Santa and Sinter in your mind.

Taken to be shrunk, brainwashed, shoved into green felt outfits with pointy shoes and bells, and put to work in Santa's slave labor camps. Tis a truly terrible fate.


I grieve for them everyday. Truly, the only worse fate would be becoming one of Sinter's Zwarte Piets. Once, I tried to liberate my parents from Santa's grasp... but that is a tale for another time. Needless to say, once you've gone jolly, there is no return.

Long live the resistance.
skater_kid_who_pwns
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skater_kid_who_pwns
4,375 posts
Blacksmith

Just we we needed, more stupid things for people to yell about, that really aren't even funny. Congrats on failing at every thing you tried.

And consider this your Christmas trolling.

CommanderPaladin
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CommanderPaladin
1,531 posts
Nomad

Man, what is your malfunction? Why can't you just leave well enough alone and enjoy CHRISTMAS for what it is: a time of year when everyone (except you, apparently) is happy and in a festive mood and shows at least a little more decency to others.

Also, you need to be more careful what you call things. "The War Of Northern Aggression" is one of the Southern names for the American Civil War. Personally, my advice would be to abandon this little protest of yours and your poorly-named thread before someone who is less stable a person in regards to demeanor causes some "Late Unpleasantness" (another name for the Civil War) and trolls, flames, or spams the living Grinch out of you.

And now, I spite you by saying MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Masterforger
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Masterforger
1,824 posts
Peasant

Um, about more decency to others; I was kicked by an angry 5-year-old boy on the street who apparently: didn't want bin (note; bin) 10 figure. Not very festive, but I laughed my head off, which made the little tot even madder. Ahh, good times. I don't adhere to "laugh with, not at"

aknerd
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aknerd
1,416 posts
Peasant

Why can't you just leave well enough alone and enjoy CHRISTMAS for what it is


Because I, like billions of other decent, freedom-loving citizens of the world, do not celebrate Christmas. I celebrate the glorious Holiday, the least patronizing of holidays. Have I not made that abundantly clear?

little more decency to others.


If this is Christmasgoers (I don't know of a good word for someone who celebrates Christmas...) being decent, I would not want to meet them the other 364 days of the year.

Yesterday, the minions of Santa's army invaded the camp of my fearless freedom fighters. They poured eggnog into the gas tanks of our tanks, slaughtered our Caribou (a more earth friendly, fuel efficient alternative to reindeer), and, worst of all, replaced all of our normal sized socks with these giant monstrosities! How am supposed to warm my feet with ungodly pieces of fabric? They won't even fit in my boots.

But fear not, brave warriors. For our vengeance will be swift. Swift like a pack of dogs swiping a turkey from the dinner table. For we know where Santa is staying. We know when he is sleeping, we know when he is awake. We know the evils he has brought to our world. But now, now he is stuck. Like a tongue to a light pole.

It may have been a white Christmas, but its going to be a red New Years.

Also, you need to be more careful what you call things. "The War Of Northern Aggression" is one of the Southern names for the American Civil War.

Is it really? I didn't know that, this whole thing is clearly a huge coincidence. I definitely didn't choose that name to reflect how different sides of an issue will often choose titles to inflame their enemy, like "The War on Christmas", or anything like that. Nope, just a coincidence born from my ignorance. Yep.

Personally, my advice would be to abandon this little protest of yours and your poorly-named thread before someone who is less stable a person in regards to demeanor causes some "Late Unpleasantness" (another name for the Civil War) and trolls, flames, or spams the living Grinch out of you.


I knew there would be those who tried to stop me. They would come under a white flag, claiming to be guiding me to happiness. And while I appreciate that you are trying to shield me from the horrors of, ahem, having to read some mildly unpleasant comments on an internet forum, I do not need your advice. Let the trolls and flamers come!* Let them bring their sarcasm and photos from the internetland. But they will not break me! No. They will be met only with my great passion for this most righteous of causes. Soon, they will join me. And Santa will pay for underestimating me.

Also, I happen to be a good friend of the Grinch (he's a commander in my resistance). He is quite the decent fellow, and is the victim of a brutal propaganda campaign wrought by that dastardly Santa.

I was kicked by an angry 5-year-old boy on the street who apparently: didn't want bin (note; bin) 10 figure

Do not be angry with the poor child, pity him. He has been sucked in by Santa's web of lies.

*But not really because then this thread will be locked and I'll have to find something else to do.
Masterforger
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Masterforger
1,824 posts
Peasant

You are insane...finally, another insane fellow.
Fifteen men on a sant-a's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum!
An elf was fixed by Rudolf's pike
And Rudolf brained by a marlinspike
And the cookies all were marked belike
They had been gripped by fingers ten
And there they lay a odd dead men
Like break 'o day in a boozing ken
YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM!

zakyman
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zakyman
1,627 posts
Peasant

Yesterday, the minions of Santa's army invaded the camp of my fearless freedom fighters. They poured eggnog into the gas tanks of our tanks, slaughtered our Caribou (a more earth friendly, fuel efficient alternative to reindeer), and, worst of all, replaced all of our normal sized socks with these giant monstrosities! How am supposed to warm my feet with ungodly pieces of fabric? They won't even fit in my boots.


Sorry, that was me. I also stuffed some latkes in your airplanes machine guns. Good luck uncloging those!

Also, I happen to be a good friend of the Grinch (he's a commander in my resistance). He is quite the decent fellow, and is the victim of a brutal propaganda campaign wrought by that dastardly Santa.


The Grinch is a cowardly, underground guerrilla leader. He once stepped on my hannukiah! On behalf of all of the celebrators of Hannukah, I join the Christmas camp. I spit in your general direction! Viva la Satus Quo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*fires menorah flamethrower*
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