Friends! Citizens of the mostly-non-alcoholic-Tavern! That guy over there! I come to your Tavern requesting assistance in the most righteous of causes: The War of Northern Aggression!
Or, as some of my fellow warriors call it, The War on Holiday. Yes, for we have all borne the insolence of that pesky Northerner for too long. Down with Santa! Down with Christmas! Down with Holly Jolly Merry Cheer!
There are those out there who claim that WE, the innocent Holidayers, are the perpetrators of this ghastly war. But, until most recently, I never objected to a friendly quip of "Merry Christmas" and the like. Nay, It was they who demonized our equally well-meaning and festive "Happy holidays"! It was they who cast the first Fruitcake!
And I, an observer of the most holy of days, Holiday, am made out to be an enemy of the nation, like some sort of... enemy! I will not stand for this malarkey!
So I ask you, brave denizens of the Tavern, to leave the sidelines of this war of festivities, and join me at the front line. Together, we will be an iron fist shoved into Santa's soft, jiggly belly.
There will be no more Ho-ho-ho-ing! Tonight, we eat Reindeer!
*points to previous sea shanty gone wrong* Talk to the shanty, mate. Also. it's impossible to be cowardly and an underground guerilla leader, they just don't mix.
Have we all forgotten what the true meaning of Christmas is? Its not about Santa, or Stockings, or reindeer or gifts or anything like that. No! Its about giving, and being kind to your fellow man, and joy, peace, and good will among all of humanity!
So brothers, I urge you, put down your weapons! Put down your arms, and your guns, and your menorah flamethrowers, and go home!
Not anymore is it about giving. Not to mention, it's a Christian holiday that has transgressed over the world (at least the 1st world, english speaking parts), and companies have monopolized it in their greed. Just a thought.
