Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Gantic's Sworded Axe of Paronomasia -- Round Five, Page 7
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Much to your disappointment, this is not another run-of-the-mill fantasy story about a weapon of crass distraction. This is a thread of Sordid Acts of Paronomasia that'll scare and amaze ya, scare ya with the sheer terribleness of puns created, amaze ya with the absolute incredibleness of ingenious puns skillfully fabricated.
So is this a thread of Gantic's terrible terrible (sometimes multilingual) puns? No! It is Gantic's Sworded Axe of Paronomasia, a contest! ... of sorts. And it'll run for six or seven rounds. You the punster, be you pungent or fragrant vagrant, are challenged to come up with the best pun relating to the theme of the round.
The prize? Well, ancient wisdom says:
A good pun is it's own reword.
And I agree. But don't fret! The punster who accrues the most Gantic Points shall awarded the title. What title? Why the title, of course! This thread, at its conclusion, shall forever be known as YourNameHere's Sworded Axe of Paronomasia.
Entries can be submitted in whatever format necessary to present the pun. Got a joke? Got a story? Or a visual pun? No problem. It doesn't even have to be funny! Other forms of wordplay may also be substituted for punnery. One entry per person per round.
Entries will be judged arbitrarily according to predetermined criteria, i.e. whatever the judge likes, and rated on a scale of 0-5 Gantic Points. The judging is highly impartial. To win, good punmanship is a necessity.
Be aware that there is such a thing as a bad pun and you may lose points (i.e. a negative score) if it's really bad. There's a difference between bad and groanworthy. Just for kicks, I'm not going to delineate the difference between bad and groanworthy.
So if you can lose points, then you must also be able to gain bonus points! Just to be fair, of course. And yes there is! But that is for you to figure out.
Onward to the theme then:
Theme for Round One against the Sword Axe: Armor Games
You have until Wednesday, June 20th.
- 69 Replies
Beer I stand, having pruned the more half-baked of my yolks from this compendiyum. At first I was afried that I would embarrass myself, but after seeing the brand Zeno was bringing to the table I simply had to embroil myself in this competition. It's a toffee to face a tournamint like this with no well-defined pho at which to bite back, but I'm confitdent that I can do it. I was born to a family of punners, and the apple doesn't farfalle from the tree; I'm glad I won't have to curry favor to compita on my own, nori will I have to mince words! Not to seem too shell-fishured, of course.
"Beastly" was there just in case the others weren't as cleaver as I thought... they weren't super obvious:
That's because line breaks are breaks. Form does serve a function. The way you have it posted not makes it clear, but otherwise, it's rather difficult to discern.
Okay I needed to fix some errors in the last entree, if the last post could be removed. Hare ease the pun eye want two in tare below:
What Dew Yuck All That Cane Dove Deal Livery?
- "Fedex Eatsbranch. We always lend a helping ham.
This is Mr. Allan Greenspam."
"Mr. Greenspam, I need to place an order that will arrive by tomato.
By the way my name is Mr. Edgar Allan Potato."
- "I'm sorry Mr. Potato, the eggstension you dialed was not right.
I'm going to kofta transfer you to Mr. Mike N. Ike."
-- "Shipping deporkment, Mr. Mike N. Ike Spreeking
How cayenne I help you? What are you seeking?"
"Mr. Ike I need to place an hors d'oeuvre that will be shipped by tomorrow.
If it doughsn't arrive by then, I'll be drowning in my sorrow."
-- "Well, Mr. Potato eat looks like you're in luck.
We haven't yet sent trout our last truck.
Now wheat is it that you would like to order?"
"I own a Chainese restaurant that is rather fine.
And I called to rush an order that needs to be on thyme.
I knead 100 liters of egg drop soup broth.
Please tell me that you have some left in stock."
-- "There is! We'll-Fedex that to you pronto, okay.
Now peas give us your address
And your order will be on its whey."
"My address is 12345 Soop Bowlevard, Anytown Canadicedtomatoes.
How much will it cost? Is it big potatoes?"
-- "The price would be high, but we candyfray the cost.
Eat wheel bee a poultry sum huff own Lee fifty bucks."
"That's a sweet'n low price!
How dew chew sheep sow cheaply, if I might?"
-- "Well, Mr. Potato, we have a special tripe of shipping that guts out the middle man.
It's called 'Egg Drop Shipping' and we use it all we can."
Tomorrow is the last day to submit anything for the current theme, which has been made more than obvious, given the current density of relevant words.
I don't think my next entreeeee will roll well with moist people. It uses bitter humor and isn't well-seasoned. Actually, I think it's kinda crappy :/
Introducing..... the next installment of the Papa -Ria series! 
(That's the sauce in the new Wingeria btw......)
thisisnotanalt - Some of the puns are good (+2), while the rest fall flat. Far too many are forced as if to fit as many as possible into the entry and just makes it harder to read (-1). Overall, it's far too confused (-2). Some of them replace words, other half are crammed into another word, and the rest are the appropriate food related synonyms. Total = -1
Reton8 - Some of these are groanworthy (+3). I can honestly hear someone say "We always lend a helping ham." or "I need to place an order that will arrive by tomato." or even "shipping deporkment". Then it just gets too ridiculous (-2) and quite a few are too forced (-1). It falls apart after deporkment. Total = +0
plokkey - Clever (+3) but not very original (-3), since I've heard it before. The image doesn't do the idea much justice though. Total = +0.
And that was the third round.
Round Four against the Sworded Axe
The Sworded Axe is going international! Roman the world in search of the perfect Turkey of a pun or just the usual puns about the Netherlands and shaking Djibouti. Let me Sweden the deal by offering double your total for the international round as part of a July 4th deal, even if we aren't all American. No need to be Russian to Finnish. If you thought the previous rounds were bad, this will Bern worse than the hottest Chile, so you get an extra few days to work it out.
You have until Saturday, July 14th.
Okay, so I would like to explain my last entry, I felt some of them might be regional or hidden in the text. I really hate to explain the entry, but it took me so long to type. So:
+ Most the lines are supposed to be rhyming couplets.
+ There's a food pun in EVERY line, however it's forced.
+ The whole poem is a set up for the final line in which the reader given Egg Drop Shipping a combination of Egg Drop Soup
and Drop shipping.
Here are most of the puns:
+ What Dew Yuck All That Cane Dove Deal Livery? -
What Do you Call that Kind of Delivery?
+ Mike N. Ike - Mike and Ike is a candy/
+ The line "Mr. Mike N. Ike Spreeking. Spree is a candy also.
+ hors d'oeuvre - order
+ Chainese restaurant like Chai tea.
+ The two lines that mention if there is any egg drop soup broth in stock. Broth and Stock are both soup related.
+ The line with "We'll-Fedex" - as in Well Fed
+ The Address Soop Bowlevard - Soup Bowl
+ The Address Canadicedtomatoes - Can of diced tomatoes.
+ Eat wheel bee a poultry sum huff own Lee fifty bucks. -
It will be a paltry sum of only fifty buck (note poultry an bucks animal connection)
+ sweet'n low price - Sweet'n Low sugar substitute
+ How dew chew sheep sow cheaply, if I might? -
How do you sheep so cheaply, if I might?
+ candyfray - Can defray
+ ...a special tripe of shipping that guts out the middle man. - Tripe is basically guts, guts instead of cuts.
That's about it.
Now, I hope you Canberra how awful this entry is. I've Bern trying to think of something clever, but I've been Havana a hard time coming up with something good. After Dublin my efforts, I think I might have a real capital pun* for you here.
*I just hope it doesn't merit capital punishment
You might want to fix your mistake that does merit capital punishment.
At first I thought you meant I used the wrong capital (IE capitol), but I'm almost positive it should be capital in every usage. So... maybe you could be more specific, because I'm not seeing it.
OH NO! You also used Bern. Well... shucks. And here I was thinking I was all clever. Ugh.... Well, try this:
Now, I hope you Canberra how awful this entry is. I've been Havana a hard time coming up with something good, but Lima try to make up for past mistakes. After Dublin my efforts, I think I might have a real capital pun* for you here.
*I just hope it doesn't merit capital punishment
...sigh...
Well, I'm going to Bree extra careful with this entry. My last one I spent a lot of time on, but I felt like it wandered to-and-fRohan a bit. But, then again, I spent so much time on it and only got zero points!? When I saw the judging my Angmar really began to Mount. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of Rhun. So, this round, I Wold like to take my time. I'm going to take a good Hoarwell spent and make this the best entry yet. I want to earn a lot of points. But if not, maybe me and the judges can find some sort of middle ground or Middle Earth, so to speak, and I can earn at least one point.
aknerd - It was going well (+3) until you decided to use the wrong word (-1). Lima, Peru is pronounced Lee-mah while Lima, Ohio is pronounced lie-mah. The latter isn't a capital of anything but it is a county seat. Capital idea (+1). Total x2 = +6
Reton8 - It's a bit stretchy but it works (+2). No one gained any points in the previous round, but it spurned you to try Arda. Total x2 = +4
Round Five Against the Sworded Axe
It is time to choose whether to branch out or return to your roots. It's only going to get harder when we leave this punnery behind us. Barking up the wrong tree will cost you.
You have until Saturday, July 21st.
Lima, Peru is pronounced Lee-mah while Lima, Ohio is pronounced lie-mah
Well, it was supposed to be "let me" not "I'm a". In fairness, it was by far the worst pun in my entry. This time, I'll try not to go so far out on a limb.
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