Forums → The Tavern → Know any good jokes?
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don't get the top oh well
your moma is fat that when she jumped into the ocean the whales came out and sang we are family
Don't post spam. You run the risk of losing you account.
You didn't even post a joke.
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
say this to yourself.....knock knock.......whoes there?.......little boy blue.....you figur out the rest
Okay, here's a couple:
Painful ones first.
There was this guy out driving trough a snowstorm. His wind-shield wipers broke. He of course couldn't continue without them so he got out and looked around for some help. He found two frozen snakes lying in the road, and used those instead.
What, havn't you ever heard of Wind-chilled vipers? (ba-dum dum!)
Okay now for some good ones.
(Sorry for blondes, I'll tell a brunette joke next. BTW I collect jokes, I know a million.)
But this is a REALLY good one.
So there are three blondes, they all want to be detectives. So they go to the school and the inspector teacher eyes them, shakes his head, and says, "Hey, you girls go home now. I don't think you have what it takes." They say, "Aw, come on! That's not fair!" He says, "Alright, join the class, but if it turns out you're not cut out for the job, you leave, okay?" They agree, so he starts the first lesson.
"If you want to be a spy, you gotta be quick. You gotta take in details that no one else notices." He goes up to the first blonde and says, "I'm going to show you a profile of a guy for a few seconds, and then you tell me 10 unique features, 'kay?" He whips a picture in front of her face, takes it away, and the blonde says, "Um, he only had one eye." The inspector rolls his eyes. "Well, yeah! It's a PROFILE. You only see half their face. Go home." He goes up to the second blonde, and says, "okay, your turn Just, just tell me 5 unique things, 'kay?" He shows her the picture for a second or two, and she says, "Um, he only had one ear." The inspector's exasperated. "YEAH! It's a profile, you only see half his face! Join your friend, get out." WIth a sigh he turned to the last blonde. "One thing. Gimmie one feature." He flashes the picture at her, and she says, "He...was wearing contacts." The inspector gasps, breaks out a magnifying glass, looks up and says, "Yeah! He is! How could you tell?"
The blonde shrugs, and says,"It was more of a logical deduction, actually. See, I thought, if he only had one ear and one eye, he couldn't wear glasses!"
Brunette joke(I'm brunette, but I have my blonde moments too...a LOT of them.):All of the blondes were upset about the blonde jokes so they got together to come up with this:
WHy are there so many blonde jokes?
Answer: Because brunettes have nothing else to do friday nights.
Okay, here's a good one, nothing to do with blondes.
so there's this guy, he's positive his wife is cheating on him, so he gets ready to catch her. he "leaves" for work and comes back 10 minutes later, bursting into the house screaming, "Ah-ha! YOu're cheating on me!" The wife, alone, looks around and says, "no I'm not!" The husband looks around and points at the table, yelling, "Ah-ha! TWo cups of coffee, one with lipstick, one without! You ARE cheating on me!" "No I"m not," the wife says, "I just had a cup of coffee, put on my make-up, forgot I had a cup already, and got a new one." THe husband looks around some more, and shouts, "Ah-ha! TWO cigarettes! You can't smoke TWO!" The wife shrugs. "Same deal as the coffee. I just forgot I had one already."
"Well," says the husband, "I still think you're cheating on me." Jus then, out the window, he sees a guy running across his lawn. "AH-HA!" the husband screeches, and then grabs the refridgerator, and chucks it out the window. The fridge smashes the guy and kills him. THe husband feels so guilty about killing the guy that he stabs himself.
***Later, St. Peter is sitting at the golden gates when a man comes up to him.
"Hey," says Peter, "You're not s'ose to be here for many years! What are you doing here?"
"Well," says the man,"I was running late for work, so I was cutting across this guy's lawn when all of a sudden, this...refridgerator comes out of the window and smashes me!"
"Oh, um, that's weird. Okay, you can go in." A few minutes later, another guy comes up."what are you doing here so early?" Peter demands.
"Well, I accidentally killed this guy with a refridgerator, and I felt so bad I killed myself."
"Oh, okay. Well, carry on." A few more minutes pass and a third guy comes up to the gates.
"Okay, now you guys are really starting to bug me. What are YOU doing here?" St. Peter asks.
"Well," says the third guy, "I was hiding in a refridgerator..."
There are three men walking in the desert.
One man had a bucket of water to splash his face
Another man had a fan to cool himself down
The last man had a car door, so he can roll down the window!
P.S. They are WALKING in the desert
Your mommas so dumb she tried to drown a fish!
Your mommas so dumb she tried to kill a bird by throwing it a cliff!
Your mommas so dumb she tried to bury a worm!
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