January 22nd 2015
5:00 PM
Surfing through the forums on a boring Thursday afternoon, I stumble upon an interesting thread title. "What Is The Worst Game You've Ever Played?", it read. I rarely ventured into the video games forum, but the few times I do I always find a couple of interesting threads that I can post a few times in order to up my position in the Tournament of Posts. Looking at it with half distant eyes and my cursor hovering over it, for a split second I felt what seemed to be an ominous chill down my spine as if my spider senses were tingling. I knew at that moment, this was not a normal thread. And I was right.
"Ah," I mutter to myself in the dark dusty basement room, "Pegasus made a it..." Immediately my interests were captured. This girl, I knew, did not have a hatred for many things... so reading through her post had me intrigued of how horrible this 'game' she claimed was. Reading the other posts of the thread had further to pique my interest, and it was only a matter of time until I, too, would click on the blue text and find what I was getting myself into. And so, I did.
The everyday man can choose to know, or choose not to know. We want to know as far as our power can take us, but at our limit, we will impose an explanation. For we have an immense fear of the unknown. Even if a guess, even if a theory, if there is something we don't know, that is a adequate reason to induce fear. It's one of the reason why certain horror movies are so effective. Coming into this game with a slightly negative impression, I didn't really KNOW what I was getting myself into. And that excited me. Blood boiling, sweat accumulating, and fedora tipping, it was not an understatement to say I was ready to get my jimmies rustled.
And boy, were my jimmies rustled into space.
The link brought me into kongregate, the arch nemesis flash game website of Armor games. I had expected newgrounds, as games of terrible quality were abundant to be found, but I was pleasantly surprised nevertheless. The game starting screen was riddled with misspelled words and bad grammar comparable to a fourth grader's homework. The music, though well composed and dramatic, gave off an obvious feeling of it being copyrighted and taken from somewhere. Already, it was off to a terrible start. There were two 'play games' on the starting menu, and that was it. No options, no tutorial, not even a hint of what this game was about, and a terrible weirdly placed mute button was located at the top right. I took a deep breath and pressed 'play game', as well as the button in the subsequent screen for the storymode in kongregate. And then, my oh my, I had witnessed something truly not fit for mortal eyes.
I knew, right then and there, that I was playing a game fit for gods. It wasn't something my mortal mind could handle. As my computer screen flashed with rainbow lights and radiating chemicals and radiation, my molecular structure was changing and adapting... in order to play this game. Evolution is real, and this game had forcibly changed me to prove it. My eyeballs were melting faster than the speed of light, my brain was overheating from trying to process the complex algorithms, and my flesh was tearing from my bone and getting sucked into the game as if it was a hungry god demanding tribute. My body was overloaded with explosive ecstatic goodness of the likes which could never be experienced, and with my eyes rolling backwards, the words of 'best... game... ever... ~ign...' escaped my lips, I died and ascended into game heaven.
RIP Riptizoid101 2014-2015
Died while playing the best game ever created
5 stars out of 5 stars
IGN
Jimmies were very rustled
