Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → The story of faceless

Hm, I did promise you some crtitique, did I not?
I would have liked some more details, or telling. The way you tell it reminds me a little of fairy tales told by grand parents. Only the most important is told, and that is the way the story floats.
You could make it much more interesting, if you sat down and concentrated on showing the plot more than telling. Make the reader part of the story, let him or her float along while the story continues.

Yeah, almost unintentionally I started off with the 3rd person point of view, which gives the story less interactivity, but I don't know how to change that without drastically altering the beginning of the story. I kinda intended the format to be like a person was telling the story, hence the third person view I s'ose. P.S. there are a couple main characters: X, C, and Roliths gang. So it really doesn't have a his/her category.

Third person is the easiest view to write from. That is what I do. Technically I think you should skip the telling, but still keep the third person.
I do not know how to explain, so example from the text you have seen earlier:
The tall buildings parted to give room for a major rubbish dump. From all sides light came down from great floodlights, and the metallic surface of every thing in the dump shone. No garbage was to be seen, the only thing making it real was the spots of rust on the parts in the bottom.Each scene should be presented in a way that make the reader picture it in his or her head. The boy trotted closer, curiosity taking over. So much shiness. Little traits like this takes us closer to the character, feeling more at home with the personality. Kai stooped, picking up a piece of metal. Wires stuck out from one end, and the other were nice and smooth, rounded. It had joints, able to bend like... He flung it away, shocked. This was not a rubbish dump... This was a freakin' robot graveyard! Mystery solved with somewhat of a comic relief.
The automatic finger hit what might have been a chest with a loud tune. Barking erupted from several places, and this time it didn't stay were it was but came rapidly closer. Action? Having been involved with watch dogs too many times he knew there were no reason to hide. It would only make it easier for the dogs to attack and he would not be able to fight back. Again, this tells us something about the character. He have been in trouble before, maybe? The boy listened to the approaching barks, empty eyes upon the mountain of dead robots. That might be the solution. Instinct/wondering. What might be the solution? He focused on the starting hill and went for it. Somewhere in his mind a warning yell was made, but he did not listen. Climbing up the metallic leftovers he heard the barks come closer, and then the dogs trying to follow him. Is this even a good idea? And an example of ways to discribe the same thing.
Getting a grip in this tangled pile of big slippery plates and small loose gadgets was hard. Halfway up he slipped, sliding down the robot parts, desperately trying to stop the motion. Suspense. Suspense is ideal, if you do not know how to write action filled stories.

thanks cenere, but somehow I don't think my inability to use showing language will ever stop . Thanks for the critique though!

X sighed at his failed attempt at another discovery, when he just tried again. This time he had waited till the heat had cooled a little bit, to prevent from a shriveled bowl. At last, he had tasted something truly great! It was better than the mush which was the only thing to eat at the Nameless town. His stomach no longer grumbled, and he felt relaxed once more. He had finally made it out of the forestation, to find dead lands. IT would seem that only a mad man would choose doom over prosperity, but X had always been curious. He grabbed all the lizards he could, steamed them, and contained them in a big bell-like pod. He set out with cooled water and hoped for the best.

Three days later...

"I miss woody" X had said to himself. He was lonely again, and there wasn't much to draw on and talk to. He had documented everything he saw, but sadly, there were just large cracks in the ground. X had walked for another hour, taken a drink, and noticed something strange. The cracks in the ground were getting larger, deeper even. He had looked into one every so often, and found that they had lots of plant life coming from the sides and nearer to the bottom, there would be more moist of air. He thought that something fascinating was going to happen soon.

+++

Rolith was simply looking at everyone. It seemed the human named C had liberated most of the masked faceless without Rolith's help. It was amazing how well she had turned the crowd against the authority.
Anthemia came over towards Rolith, floating through the air. "Hello Rolith, how goes the liberation?" he asked with an ominous and godly tone.
Rolith looked over his shoulder and back to the flaming streets of the Nameless town, "I am no longer needed. I just need to take what I deserve from those god forsaken overlords"
Anthemia came closer to Rolith, with a friendly essence to his floating, however possible. "The overlords did their job Rolith, there isn't a way to get what you want. It's impossible, unless the stories of old are true" (Author's note: haha, cliche. Here comes the "Prophecy" bull crud people, so if you don't like this kinda thing, you might as well skip this part, but it'll leave you really confused in upcoming chapters)
Rolith's head jolted up, startled. "Your right, the human who could learn! Which one do you think it could be...?" Rolith started to roll his eyes toward every single human, thinking they might be one.
Anthemia sighed, "He is not here Rolith."
Rolith jumped at Anthemia, putting the large amorphous creature on what seemed to be it's back. "What?!" he snarled, "Where is it then?! I must get what I deserve!"
Anthemia melted through the roof, and began floating in the air once more. "He is far. Outside anywhere near here that's for sure. I doubt he'll want to-"
"-Where is it?!" Rolith snapped.
Anthemia just floated there, contemplating whether or not he should sacrifice a person's happiness for one of his best friends greatest desires. "...that way." Anthemia whispered, obviously depressed. He had pointed towards the badlands. No one had gone there for ages. Barely anything lived there, or at least barely anything that was useful or non predatory. Anthemia melted once more, and did not say a whisper to Rolith once again.
Rolith had stood there for a few more seconds, thinking of what he just did to one of his best friends. "I will get what I deserve" Rolith growled, and started flying towards the badlands.

+++

C was organizing another riot, this time destroying much of the mining facilities in the eastern part of the city. Humans, and even a couple of faceless followed her towards the mining facility, setting fire to anything related to it they had seen. The faceless had never been any more self aware. They thought, they figured, and they overall liberated. Some had began to make tools of war, besides torches and common tools. They made blades, knives, and projectiles for the riots. Men and women in arms, they sabotaged the refineries and collapsed the caves. After C's mighty riot towards the east section, there was a body count of 312. Only 230 of them were faceless. C put that past her mind, and thought of it as a sacrifice for the greater cause. Some of her followers actually spited her. They began to lose their faith with her riots, they seemed to have only caused pain to their brethren.
For once in a lifetime, the masked and the true faceless had gotten along, and this time they were both angry.



It's been forever and a half since I've written one of these. I hope you guys like them.

P.S. I've decided to utterly take Woody out of the equation, sorry.

P.S. I've decided to utterly take Woody out of the equation, sorry.

YEAH! i loved it BTW.