Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → ~Yet another long and boring (especially the first chapter) story about the internet~
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'What up' Said Pazx's friend on MSN. 'Not much' she replied. 'Was kinda bored~' Suddenly another chat window popped up. The users name was Interweb. 'Welcome Pazx, you have been chosen as one of Armor Games's representatives for the first Gaming Community Tournament.' Is what it sent. 'Visit our website for information on what you shall be doing.' Pazx was hesitant, yet clicked the link out of curiousity. She was greeted with a strange site that said 'First Annual Gaming Community Tournament!'. She blinked a couple of times. 'hello?' Said her friend on MSN. 'Are you still there?'. She blinked once more before repling 'Did something really weird just happen to you?'. He quickly typed back 'Noo... Whats happening?'. 'I just got a message saying I was picked for a tournament or something. I think its a scam.' She replied. Ben wasn't quite sure what all this was. He asked, 'Whats it called?' 'The First Annual Gaming Community Tourney. How dumb does it sound?' 'What!? Thats AWESOME!' 'You mean it's real?' 'Yeah, heaps real!' 'I'm meant to be representing Armor Games... Hey, don't you have an account there?' She asked. 'Uh, I might' he replied. 'That sucks... If you had been active on AG you could come to' She typed glumly. 'I gotta go now... Cya' Ben typed, before signing off MSN. Pazx was awed. She brought the webpage up again and clicked on Challenges. She read the page. 'There will be game trivia, yada yada...' She read more 'I have to... Play games? I'm in the games? What is this?' She was confused, and the site wasn't giving her any help. She clicked on the link that said Participants, giving up on trying to find what she would be doing. She saw hundreds, maybe even thousands of website logos. Armor Games was near the top, and she clicked on it. There was a list:
Adrecka33 - Confirmed
Dragonball05 - Confirmed
kingryan â" Confirmed
firetail_madness - Confirmed
fst6 - Unconfirmed
Pazx - Uncomfirmed
Roadripper - Confirmed
Strop - Confirmed
Zophia â" Unconfirmed
There was a little message at the bottom, If you are one of these people that are unconfirmed please sign in with your 'Armor Games' details and confirm your registration. There was a familiar looking log-in box underneath that, so she decided to try this out. After she had confirmed her registration she scrolled down further to see a chatbox. Most of the entrants were asleep, but Strop or kingryan occasionally sent a message to each other, mostly arguing about who is more bogan, and sometimes about how they keep forgetting to judge contests, back on AG. 'Hi!' typed fst6, 'Pazx? R U there?'. 'I am... But I'm not sure what this place is' she replied. There was a pause while fst6 typed. 'Still depressed?' asked kingryan. Pazx said 'Can we not go to that subject here?'. A simple 'lol' was all she got back. Then fst6 finished his post. 'Well basically in a couple of days we'll be going to a tournament. All these gaming sites will have representatives. We were chosen to represent AG. Some of us, like Adrecka were chosen to represent AG due to community activity, in her case, the bunny club.' Pazx read over that several times, before replying with 'So they've been monitoring our forums?' 'I don't really know. Do you Strop?' Said dragonball05, finally deciding to look at the screen. Strop said 'I heard Carlie and Dan say there would be something happening on the site, like they were selecting people. It definatly wasn't for a new mod, so it must have been for this. I reckon Dan and Carlie chose us.' 'I never knew people thought so highly of me~' typed Pazx back. Pazx yawed loudly. 'I'm going now, cya guys on AG~' she typed.
Daily life returned to normal for awhile, but after three days she knew what she must do. She left a note on her bed for her parents, and climbed down the tree outside her window. She then vaulted over the fence and ran down to the trees she was to be picked up from. She grabbed a gum leaf from one of the trees as a reminder. She wasn't waiting long until a black car with tinted windows arrived. 'What a cliché' she thought as she hopped into the car. She was alone with the driver, who wore all black. They stopped somewhere, Pazx didn't know where but it was at a high altitude. 'You will soon be at the tournament.' It was the first thing the driver had said. 'How are we getting there?' Asked Pazx. The man in black turned, revealing a floating platorm. 'A floating platform?!' asked Pazx. 'That is so cliche. And I can see the strings' 'You're right' said the man in black. 'Hop in' he said, signalling to the car.
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Yes, I made some random story about the internet.
More will be up soon~
- 34 Replies
Hmm, sounds pretty interesting. Good job getting me hooked with the first chapter. And you didn't write too formally, which is good. If you had written this like Shakespeare or something, I would've been really mad. :P
The story seems like it's going to be good, and you've got a good group of characters in there. I'm glad that there's two mods in there so that it's not just "regular" users.
And look at that, I've already been introduced in the story, even if with just one comment.
I'll be waiting for the next chapter. When do you plan to have it up by?
I'll be waiting for the next chapter. When do you plan to have it up by?
If I say 'Soon' I'll be slapped so I can't really say.
And look at that, I've already been introduced in the story, even if with just one comment.
You'll get more~
Also, I think I forgot someone. Not sure who though. It's not Sense, I decided against using him (sorry, I just felt I didn't need anymore peoples).
You'll get more~
Oh, I know. I was just saying I was happy I got in the first chapter. :P
This is an interesting story. Want some CC?
Oh My GOD HE'S TRYING TO CRITICIZE ME! Yeah sure, I need it, it was poorly written.
Oh, I know. I was just saying I was happy I got in the first chapter. :P
I know.
Also, I made a mistake. fst6 should be 'Confirmed' because he posted in the IM window.
Oh My GOD HE'S TRYING TO CRITICIZE ME!
Lol.
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This story has no problems with the plot. There is an effective hook near the beginning, and it is interesting. On top of that, however, there are a few problems. I'll start with the formatting ones that most don't care about.
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You should start a new paragraph every time someone says something. This makes it easier to read. Also, most of the paragraphs should be split into two or even three.
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Now to thew actual writing. Your word choice is a bit underplayed; using some more creative words would really spice it up. Also, your sentence flow is a bit tired in places, so maybe switching it up a bit will add some more awesomeness.
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TEH GUD PARTZ!
-interesting plotline
-fun to read
-good voice
-immaculate grammar
-the characters are quite human
-good atmosphere
-good emotion
TEH PARTZ DAT NEED TEH WORKZORZ!
-formatting
-a bit more variety in word choice
-more fluent sentences
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I liked it overall. Hope this helped. Your final rating is. . .
8.665778348/10!
Your final rating is. . .
8.665778348/10!
-punches results into a calculator-
Wrong! It's actually a 9.357332463824/10. :O
/randomness
You should start a new paragraph every time someone says something.
Uh, that needs reworded slightly. Not every time someone says something, everytime someone new says something. But yeah, that'd be a good idea. That's the only thing I completely agree with alt's CC.
Now to thew actual writing. Your word choice is a bit underplayed; using some more creative words would really spice it up. Also, your sentence flow is a bit tired in places, so maybe switching it up a bit will add some more awesomeness.
I can agree with that.
You should start a new paragraph every time someone says something. This makes it easier to read. Also, most of the paragraphs should be split into two or even three.
Not sure about the speech, but yes, I definitely had too long paragraphs.
That's the only thing I completely agree with alt's CC.
What? Do you mean that you agree with my CC except for that part? OR that that was the only part you agreed with? *confuzzled*
What do you mean? I worded what I said perfectly. Let me say it again with bold on the important parts.
That's the only thing I completely agree with alt's CC.
>_>
Hmm, I really see no need for a comma, but ok. So pazx, are you gonna continue posting the chapters here with all this arguing about alt's CC?
How come fst6 is unconfirmed and I'm confirmed?
Oh well, nice start so far
Hmm, I really see no need for a comma, but ok. So pazx, are you gonna continue posting the chapters here with all this arguing about alt's CC?
Yes.
@fst6 and firetail, confirmation has nothing to do with anything. It's just who (in the story) has accepted being in the tourney.
Yay...I'm in another stowyyyyy!!!!!!!!!
Umm...Keep up the good work...and try not to let your emoness into the story...
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