'What up' Said Pazx's friend on MSN. 'Not much' she replied. 'Was kinda bored~' Suddenly another chat window popped up. The users name was Interweb. 'Welcome Pazx, you have been chosen as one of Armor Games's representatives for the first Gaming Community Tournament.' Is what it sent. 'Visit our website for information on what you shall be doing.' Pazx was hesitant, yet clicked the link out of curiousity. She was greeted with a strange site that said 'First Annual Gaming Community Tournament!'. She blinked a couple of times. 'hello?' Said her friend on MSN. 'Are you still there?'. She blinked once more before repling 'Did something really weird just happen to you?'. He quickly typed back 'Noo... Whats happening?'. 'I just got a message saying I was picked for a tournament or something. I think its a scam.' She replied. Ben wasn't quite sure what all this was. He asked, 'Whats it called?' 'The First Annual Gaming Community Tourney. How dumb does it sound?' 'What!? Thats AWESOME!' 'You mean it's real?' 'Yeah, heaps real!' 'I'm meant to be representing Armor Games... Hey, don't you have an account there?' She asked. 'Uh, I might' he replied. 'That sucks... If you had been active on AG you could come to' She typed glumly. 'I gotta go now... Cya' Ben typed, before signing off MSN. Pazx was awed. She brought the webpage up again and clicked on Challenges. She read the page. 'There will be game trivia, yada yada...' She read more 'I have to... Play games? I'm in the games? What is this?' She was confused, and the site wasn't giving her any help. She clicked on the link that said Participants, giving up on trying to find what she would be doing. She saw hundreds, maybe even thousands of website logos. Armor Games was near the top, and she clicked on it. There was a list:
There was a little message at the bottom, If you are one of these people that are unconfirmed please sign in with your 'Armor Games' details and confirm your registration. There was a familiar looking log-in box underneath that, so she decided to try this out. After she had confirmed her registration she scrolled down further to see a chatbox. Most of the entrants were asleep, but Strop or kingryan occasionally sent a message to each other, mostly arguing about who is more bogan, and sometimes about how they keep forgetting to judge contests, back on AG. 'Hi!' typed fst6, 'Pazx? R U there?'. 'I am... But I'm not sure what this place is' she replied. There was a pause while fst6 typed. 'Still depressed?' asked kingryan. Pazx said 'Can we not go to that subject here?'. A simple 'lol' was all she got back. Then fst6 finished his post. 'Well basically in a couple of days we'll be going to a tournament. All these gaming sites will have representatives. We were chosen to represent AG. Some of us, like Adrecka were chosen to represent AG due to community activity, in her case, the bunny club.' Pazx read over that several times, before replying with 'So they've been monitoring our forums?' 'I don't really know. Do you Strop?' Said dragonball05, finally deciding to look at the screen. Strop said 'I heard Carlie and Dan say there would be something happening on the site, like they were selecting people. It definatly wasn't for a new mod, so it must have been for this. I reckon Dan and Carlie chose us.' 'I never knew people thought so highly of me~' typed Pazx back. Pazx yawed loudly. 'I'm going now, cya guys on AG~' she typed.
Hmm, sounds pretty interesting. Good job getting me hooked with the first chapter. And you didn't write too formally, which is good. If you had written this like Shakespeare or something, I would've been really mad. :P
The story seems like it's going to be good, and you've got a good group of characters in there. I'm glad that there's two mods in there so that it's not just "regular" users.
And look at that, I've already been introduced in the story, even if with just one comment.
I'll be waiting for the next chapter. When do you plan to have it up by?
Lol. ------------- This story has no problems with the plot. There is an effective hook near the beginning, and it is interesting. On top of that, however, there are a few problems. I'll start with the formatting ones that most don't care about. ---------- You should start a new paragraph every time someone says something. This makes it easier to read. Also, most of the paragraphs should be split into two or even three. ------------- Now to thew actual writing. Your word choice is a bit underplayed; using some more creative words would really spice it up. Also, your sentence flow is a bit tired in places, so maybe switching it up a bit will add some more awesomeness. ---------------- TEH GUD PARTZ! -interesting plotline -fun to read -good voice -immaculate grammar -the characters are quite human -good atmosphere -good emotion TEH PARTZ DAT NEED TEH WORKZORZ! -formatting -a bit more variety in word choice -more fluent sentences -------------- I liked it overall. Hope this helped. Your final rating is. . . 8.665778348/10!
Wrong! It's actually a 9.357332463824/10. :O /randomness
You should start a new paragraph every time someone says something.
Uh, that needs reworded slightly. Not every time someone says something, everytime someone new says something. But yeah, that'd be a good idea. That's the only thing I completely agree with alt's CC.
Now to thew actual writing. Your word choice is a bit underplayed; using some more creative words would really spice it up. Also, your sentence flow is a bit tired in places, so maybe switching it up a bit will add some more awesomeness.
I can agree with that.
You should start a new paragraph every time someone says something. This makes it easier to read. Also, most of the paragraphs should be split into two or even three.
Not sure about the speech, but yes, I definitely had too long paragraphs.
