Forums → The Tavern → A Comprehensive Guide to Every Race on the Planet

Greetings ArmorGames. I thought long and hard about what Strop (who I cannot thank enough for taking the time to write a forward for this guide) said in my previous thread, and I realised that he was right. It was completely unfair of me to single out Asians. I mean, everyone out there who isn't Asian (or Russian) must have felt so left out. There must be thousands out there thinking to themselves "Man, Tony doesn't think I'm important enough to write about". As a great man once said, while "I am flattered (and slightly disturbed) that some people are willing to even commit suicide over the wait for the next installment (don't do anything rash kids!)"(1). Well, fret no more, because this guide reviews every single person in the world. That's right, even you! So buckle up, because you're going on a trip around the world with...

A Comprehensive Guide to Every Race on the Planet
By: Tony Alesalt
Forward by: Strop

"The land of ArmorGames holds many people from many lands,"(2) "White, [...] Black, [...] Chinese."(3) "It wouldn't surprise me if certain African[s]"(4) "[are] AG regular[s]."(5) "Somebody else locked [Asians: A Comprehensive Guide] first, but I [...] feel the need to post an explanation."(6) "You're [...] doing things I don't even contemplate."(7) "The responses to the original post demonstrate how"(6) "AG [members]"(5) "don't"(6) "understand"(8) "humour derived from making racial jokes [and]"(5) "it's complete BS!"(9) "[For this] reason [...] this thread will be run very strictly."(5) "To this end, I would strongly recommend reading [...] "A Comprehensive Guide to Every Race on the Planet". First impressions count for a lot and, well, this is [an]"(6) "awesome"(7) "start to say in the least."(6)

"I approve of this thread.

[...]Strop"(10)

North Americans

North Americans are pigs. Plain and simple. They're huge and guzzle food like it's their full time job. Their cars are extravagant and unnecessary, and guzzle more gas than they do food. Finally, their girlfriends rely on their boobs that are about as real as Barbie's to get them through life and single handedly dispatch of more money than their excessive eating habits and engine revving put together. Most of them probably just live off of loans and credit cards, because I honestly nee no way that someone can budget a closet full of Ed Hardy designer (and I use the term in the loosest possible manner) clothing. It's ridiculous. If the world were a baseball team, North America would be that guy who doesn't even know the rules, but nobody will tell him because his biceps are about the size of a small bus.

Native North Americans

Natives are a vibrant part of American culture, and are revered highly among their fellow peoples. They are know to wet their whistle every one in a while (try saying that ten times fast) but are truly a people of tradition and honour. Oh, and they worship bear ghosts or some s*it like that. I dunno.

Mexicans and South Americans

Mexicans and South Americans are pretty much North Americans who live in a hotter, poorer, country and speak with funny accents. They also say "ese" a lot on T.V. The majority of these people either grow up to be taxi drivers, drug runners/gunners/lords/dealers/king pins/distributors or something to do with catering on people hand and foot at upscale resorts, South America's true raison d'etre. There's not much to tell, other than the fact that they'll work 5x cheaper than the poorest white guy you'll ever meet and that their youth give them a bad image.

Western Europeans

Western Europeans are all over the board. Some like to think they're posh, when they really aren't. Some like to think they're poor, when they really aren't. Some like to think they're sheep when they really aren't (yes Scotland, I'm looking at you). They pretty much keep to themselves and we let them. The only thing of real significance to come out of Western Europe in recent years is High Laurie and the Large Hydron Collider. Oh, and chocolate, for some reason people get hard over chocolate when you tack a Western European nationality in front of it.

Eastern Europeans

Eastern Europe is the lovechild (warchild?) of Eastern Europe and Russia. You know how the saying goes, "What ever happens in Eastern Europe, stays in Eastern Europe. Because nobody really gives a damn about you." Nothing really exciting happens here, it's pretty much just there so that Russia doesn't invade France for kicks. God knows they've had enough of that for now.

Scandinavians

Scandinavians are synonymous with metal. Well actually, Norway, Finland and Sweden are synonymous with metal. Metalheads probably don't know what Scandinavia is. That said, they pretty much just man up and take all the cold so the rest of Europe can play hopscotch, never bothering to thank them. Not that they really care, they'd rather just make snow forts on 'roids, better known as ice castles. Really though, what do you guys do for work? I can't see how putting "15 years experience at snow fort building" on your resume will help you get any job whatsoever.

Middle Easterners

Dear God, sorry Allah, I almost don't write about this due to all the controversy. At this point in time the Middle East is associated with terrorists more than terrorists themselves. But let's look past that, at the people. I have met tons of Middle Easterners who are- wait, let me rephrase that. I am sure there are some Middle Easterners who are really nice out there. Somewhere. I think.

Africans

Yeah, this is almost as bad as the Middle East. Despite how poor it is, Africa turns out some seriously expensive goods, none of the profit going to the residents, naturally. You're got your animal skins, your ivory and tusks in general, diamonds, exotic animals. Oh, did I mention a ton of that stuff is also illegal outside of Africa? Man, Africans have got it so easy. They are most renown for the fact that they click their tongues when they talk (seriously, how cool is that?) and the movie Blood Diamond.

South Asians

South Asia (soon to be known as "Hellosirpleaseholdwhileitransferyouthankyoukindlyland&quot is the bane of American existence. I mean, companies probably when around the world to figure out who had the most atrocious accent once they were taught English, and man, did they get a jackpot. The country is made up of a mixture of call centre operating folk, princes (there always seems to be a ton of princes, but no kings) and cow worshiping. Oh and curry, their most famous invention. Too bad its smell sticks to everything.

Australians

Australia was born of very humble beginnings. Basically, a ton of criminals were dumped on an island with some intense natives (these guys put the North American ones to shame) and left to sort themselves out. It's basically about 20 Nevadas surrounded by some nice beaches and a funky opera house that everyone saw pictures of since they were 3, but never really knew what it was. I have also heard that they use horses put through training as members of secret task forces. This is purely speculation of course.

Oriantal Asians

Please direct yourself here.

Russians

Please direct yourself here.

Now, unfortunately, I had no chance to diverge in to sub categories, however, in time I would like to elaborate on each race. I do not have a limitless supply of time, so if you would care to mention what race you would like to see expanded on in addition to any other comments/praise I would be glad to take it into consideration.