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The "PERFECT INFECTED".

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Posted Sep 22, '10 at 7:49pm

darkwolf1

darkwolf1

184 posts

PROLOG

It started 2+ years ago,in the land called "PERFECT INFECTED".its about the infected (not related off of hallo-halo reach)in a science lab,but the infected are traped in the science lab.trying to get out.but order to get out of there will be trecheris,painfull,and deadly traps,torrets and bosses that they have to defeat.

the next chapter will all of the people that want to help me in the comming new chapter that might unfold right under youre eyes!

 

Posted Sep 22, '10 at 8:13pm

wolf1991

wolf1991

3,557 posts

Things to work on:

Grammar
Punctuation
Grammar
Spelling
Grammar
General plot
The ability to write
Introducing ideas
Being coherent
Grammar
Spelling

I'd be detailed but I am far to confused to even begin to ask what this is remotely about. Please contact me if you wish for more detailed advice. Also note the repetition of my list. That means it's important.

 

Posted Sep 23, '10 at 4:15pm

XSilentPhantomX

XSilentPhantomX

733 posts

Grammar
Punctuation
Grammar
Spelling
Grammar
General plot
The ability to write
Introducing ideas
Being coherent
Grammar
Spelling


wolf quit being a pathetic troll on kids stories. seriously.

you said grammar four times, and spelling twice....

also..

seriously? the ability to write? i havent seen any such artistic show from you yet that places you at a level id feel comfortable with to be critiquing peoples work. Work on your own ability to write, and quit trying to be a troll. thats just near cruel to tell him he has no ability to write. he will grow and find his own niche, buth e doesnt need your crap to help him, because quite frankly, your helping nobody. yes he needs LOTS of improvement, but theres no need to become a jerk over his skill level.

 

Posted Sep 23, '10 at 4:49pm

holt24

holt24

1,179 posts

I agree wolf just seems to be angry at everything.

don't worry darkwolf your story is fine.

 

Posted Sep 23, '10 at 5:00pm

darkwolf1

darkwolf1

184 posts

I dont trust wolf1991."OVERKILLED".

 

Posted Sep 23, '10 at 5:09pm

darkwolf1

darkwolf1

184 posts

true overkiller.

 

Posted Sep 23, '10 at 5:49pm

Hypermnestra

Hypermnestra

26,725 posts

Uh...you might want to work on your grammar, a lot. Really. Work on that. And it's cliche, maybe you should try to get a more original idea...but other than that, I suppose it shows potential. However, it would seem that most of the stories you write are meant to be action movies or forum games as opposed to stories...keep in mind, reading about action is a lot less exciting than watching it.
Is English your second language?
If you want, I can edit your story for you before you post it. Not changing it or anything, but fixing the grammar.

@Wolf: Pop a chill pill or something, dude. Seriously, you're giving him relevant feedback, sure, but you sure could do it respectfully. At this point, you're equally insulting him and helping him. It's rude. It takes guts to go out and share your work with the world, you shouldn't be so harsh on the kid.

 

Posted Sep 23, '10 at 5:50pm

darkwolf1

darkwolf1

184 posts

ch.1 the begining.

It started in summer.the air was fresh in the science lab,in florida.they were testing cures on humans,but always looked good for a while only trying to get supperhumans with supper talents. but only a few houres later they will grow mad.they will kill anything,even eachother.and when the security got there,it was to late.....but the siencetist will not give up.the trying to make it more &quoterfect" human people and only come to the same conclushion,death,and distruction.then they fully got the &quoterfect" human,me.they injected the shot.only a few 3 later....i did not kill or distry anything.then they kept me held for a day,no results.no death,no distruction.then they started makeing more shots like it.but it ended in the earlyer resultd,death,and distruction.somehow,someway that I was still acting normal.But there are still other teast subjects are still alive after the shot,but they did not know that I was....The "PERFECT INFECTED"....



ch.2 the test will come out when I fully thought it out.

 

Posted Sep 23, '10 at 11:29pm

wolf1991

wolf1991

3,557 posts

Ah I meant the ability to write coherently. Also the repeated things are for emphasis

 

Posted Sep 24, '10 at 12:21am

FallenSky

FallenSky

1,842 posts

Yes peole, even if it did sound kind of rude it was only a styllistic effect.
Moreover, I'm pretty confident in wolf's ability, and I think he's a good writter.
Now everyone should just chill out, because even though Wolf was harsh he was right, and even though the rest was right, they were harsh.

You should really, and I mean first thing before ever writting again, work on your grammar. It lacks both coherence and correct grammar, making it very hard to keep track of the actual plot. I don't want to sound rude, but I think this is the text with the worst grammar I've read in my whole life; is english your second tongue?