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TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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I decided I'd try and post some of my poems on here, since I liked the first line poem thread so much. I would really like some advice on how to improve. Thanks!

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LazyOne
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LazyOne
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Watch out, they cry,
As a car tumbles from a rail,
But it is to no avail, and
Churning, charred metal
Smashes into Earth,
Smashes into Earth,
Crashes,
Chaotic and corroded,
Twisted iron,
And from, the ruined rubble,
It is silent.
And the silence chokes,
Though the sifting smoke
Drifting from the ruined,
Silent as a grave.


That sounds like a Metallica song to me
[Death Magnetic, probably.]
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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Metallica? Interesting.

Fast

Fasting for weeks,
From what I want the most,
I feel just like an empty shell,
A spirit, or a ghost.

But my spirit's gone as well,
And I can't wait anymore,
I feel hungrier than I've ever been,
I'm on the lowest floor.

I'm not fasting from a meal,
Then I'd know what to do,
I'm fasting from what I want the most,
And what I want is you.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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Another different kind of poem, sorta. I think it's called a Quadraine. Experimenting FTW! XD

Window

She looks out from her dark room within;
The blotched shadows of the leaves kiss patterns on her skin,
The light from the sun is reflected in her eyes,
She lifts them with heavy lashes and glances at the skies.

She's motionless as she sits, mysterious and alone,
Why is she waiting there, for what crime must she atone?
Sitting like white marble; is she deep into thought?
Is she bargaining for all that she has sought?

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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750

Acid

Does the acid hurt at all,
As it falls from your lips?
Does it tear a grudge filled gap,
Through your cruel tongue's tip?
Or am I the only one,
Who feels it delving deep?
Burning in my tortured self,
Even as we speak?
There is more venom than words,
In all your falsity,
Your poison tears away at me,
Until I'm to small to see.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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750

Bravery

Venturing into the cave,
Of the mighty dragon's lair,
Our hero holds his breath,
He goes where no one dared.

He walks in carefully,
But also brave as brave can be,
He lives to live by his own terms,
Lives by his own decree.

Be a hero, don't be scared,
Charge into the dragon's nest,
Have hope and strength within your heart,
And live to your very best.

SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
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Ooh, Tacky I really like 'Bravery'. The one line in the last stanza kind does bulge out, but other than that, great form.

I also like how it is short and too the point, great job!

I'm too lazy to look up a Quadraine so I can't say much for Window, except that I like the mysterious/eerie feeling it gives to the reader.

jeol
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jeol
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Bravery is really good! Good ending.

Another different kind of poem, sorta. I think it's called a Quadraine. Experimenting FTW! XD

Seeing as a quatrain is a poem with four lines per stanza, you got it.
SupaLegit
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SupaLegit
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Watch out, they cry,
As a car tumbles from a rail,
But it is to no avail, and
Churning, charred metal
Smashes into Earth,
Smashes into Earth,
Crashes,
Chaotic and corroded,
Twisted iron,
And from, the ruined rubble,
It is silent.
And the silence chokes,
Though the sifting smoke
Drifting from the ruined,
Silent as a grave.

Pretty good job Tacky! I liked it very much; especially the detail. Very good indeed.
TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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750

Pretty good job Tacky! I liked it very much; especially the detail. Very good indeed.


Thanks! Sorry for pestering you about it; it's just that not many people commented on it since it was on the previous page...
Efan
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Efan
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Watch out, they cry,
as the car tumbles from a rail,
but it is to no avail.
Churning, charred metal
smashes into Earth,
smashes into Earth,
crashes.
Chaotic and corroded,
twisted iron,
All is silent from the ruins.
And the silence chokes,
though the sifting smoke
*
drifting from the ruins,
silent as a grave.
----------------------------------
Those were my changes. I enjoyed the poem quite a bit. It had good expression and was descriptive enough to give a clear picture.

*this part doesn't make much sense :/
-----------------------------------------------------
Good luck in the rest of your thread!

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
750

While I do like that, as it makes it flow better, I was just trying to have alliterations with "ruined" and "rubble". I wonder if I could incorporate that into your modified version...

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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Oh, geez, writing block. Time to do what I always do...LOOK UP POEM TYPES!!! XD

Imagery? Sonnets? Couplets? I've been saying I'll do a Sonnet for a while...maybe I'll do that. :P

LivingToDie
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LivingToDie
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Just do anything Tacky, anything you've wrote has been good.

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
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Awww, thanks, LTD.

Ideas!!! XD

There are four different kinds of Sonnets. (As researched on the Wiki)
The Italian Sonnet consists of the rhyme scheme a-b-b-a a-b-b-a c-d-e c-d-e
The Occitan Sonnet is a-b-a-b a-b-a-b c-d-c-d-c-d
The Shakespearean Sonnet is a-b-a-b c-d-c-d e-f-e-f g-g
And finally, the Spenserian Sonnet is a-b-a-b b-c-b-c c-d-c-d e-e

I think I'll do a set of poems on the Seven Deadly sins, so here they are...

Lust: Greed of a more...ahem..adult kind...
Gluttony: Excessive desire for food, or its withholding from the needy...
Greed: A "rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power
Sloth: Lazy-ness, indifference, Failure to utilize one's talents
Wrath: Rage, hatred
Envy: Insatiable desire for immaterial goods.
Pride: Desire to be more important than others.

This will be tough, since Envy, Greed, Gluttony and Lust are a lot alike. :/

TackyCrazyTNT
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TackyCrazyTNT
1,938 posts
750

The Mirror

Her skin is as clear,
As the mirror she holds,
There isn't a smear,
On her skin, pale and cold,

She pores over the glass,
Smiling at her own face,
She thinks she has class,
But she's only a disgrace.

She'll waste away there,
Like Narcissus the vain,
Putting on airs,
In front of the pane.

For now she sits, vain, atop of a tower,
Perhaps soon she'll be turned into a flower.

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