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The Many Uses of OctoCan - The Best Canned Octopus In The World!

Posted Nov 9, '11 at 5:56pm

CommanderPaladin

CommanderPaladin

1,548 posts

OctoCan has an almost infinite number of uses. It's up to you to figure out what they are. Of course, no vulgar or obscene material.

Also, OctoCan has a clan now. For information on joining Clan OctoCan, contact [url=MagicTree]

I'll start:
1. Instant Seafood.
If you happen to be entertaining guests from the South Pacific who are having dinner with you only to discover that the local pizza joint was the epicenter of an inexplicable volcanic eruption, OctoCan is your answer. Mix the contents of one can of OctoCan with one box of Seafood Helper and cook for 15 minutes. When the timer rings, you'll have a large spread of calamari ready to serve.

2. Crowd Control.
When loaded into low velocity 40mm grenade cartridges or spring-operated canisters, OctoCan is excellent for non-lethal riot dispersal. When fired, the canisters will burst open and release multiple octopi at the angry mob. The octopi will then attach themselves to the targets faces, causing them to scream and flail about trying to get the squishiness off their faces. The sight of people running around with octopi clinging to their faces will also have a profound psychological effect on other rioters, causing them to disperse before the same fate befalls them.
With 24 hours' notice, Paladin Industries can have 50 truckloads of OctoCan riot ammo ready for transport to New York to clean up that little mess in Zuccotti Park. >

3. Practical Joke/Revenge.
If someone is bothering you and you want to get them back, or if you're just a practical joker, OctoCan is the resource you need. Three of the easiest and most popular methods of using it are as follows:
1. Sneak up behind your target and empty a can of OctoCan down the back of their shirt. It has approximately the same effect as a slushball similarly applied, except that it's lukewarm, it's squishy, it wriggles around, and it doesn't melt, so it's actually way better.
2. Empty a can of OctoCan onto your target's chair just before they sit down. Sitting into such squirmy squishiness has extremely disturbing psychological effects and may even leave your target mentally scarred for life. >
3. Just tilt a can of OctoCan back and forth in the presence of your target. That constant "schlorp...schlorp...schlorp...schlorp..." sound will drive ANYONE to insanity. >


Okay, your turn. Surprise me!

 

Posted Nov 9, '11 at 5:59pm

CommanderPaladin

CommanderPaladin

1,548 posts

Aw, dang it, the link up top failed! I'll have to apply some OctoCan later on.
In the mean time, you can still contact MagicTree by going to your profile page, going to the URL window on your browser, and substituting his name where it has yours.

 

Posted Nov 10, '11 at 1:46pm

MagicTree

MagicTree

773 posts

4. Time Travel.
Tell your OctoCan (looking in the eyes, of course.) what year you want to go to, and [insert time-travely noises here]! Back in time. Don't go back before 2011 if you want to make an instant return, because OctoCan wasn't invented!

p.s. Here's the link Commander wanted Me!

 

Posted Nov 10, '11 at 7:33pm

CommanderPaladin

CommanderPaladin

1,548 posts

5. Retrieval.
If you drop something down a hole, a sewer grating, or off of anything that puts whatever object out of your reach, use OctoCan. Tie a long piece of rope around the octopus and lower it down to where the object is. The octopus will attach itself to the object, and then it can be reeled in and your object retrieved. Also, instead of using rope, you can use a fishing pole and line.

 

Posted Nov 11, '11 at 10:04am

MagicTree

MagicTree

773 posts

Come on other people, join! I like the game, I don't see why it isn't working.

 

Posted Nov 11, '11 at 10:13am

TheNameWithNoNumbers

TheNameWithNoNumbers

164 posts

6. Christmas Gift
Trust me, who wants an iPod or a iPad for Christmas? Get em' a can of OctoCan! Wrap it in a stylishly good paper, and it's gift time. You'll love the look on your kid's faces!

 

Posted Nov 11, '11 at 10:13am

Garriss

Garriss

988 posts

6. Mind Control
Someone doesn't like you? An enemy chasing you around? Pop open this can of OctoCan at the back of their heads and watch the tentacles do their work! Make them under your control, your mindless lover, your ever loyal servant!

 

Posted Nov 11, '11 at 10:24am

loco5

loco5

16,326 posts

7. Dodgeball
Did your dodge ball deflate? open up a can of OctoCan and throw him around, and no cheating because if your hit, he sticks to you!

 

Posted Nov 11, '11 at 2:10pm

bigboned

bigboned

63 posts

8. Music

Did you breack a string on your guitar or piano, lose the skin of a drum or lost the tubing of any instrument that uses tubing then Octocan is for you! Simply take the body parts you need from the octopus and they'll grow back for unlimited use!

 

Posted Nov 11, '11 at 7:27pm

Darkfire45

Darkfire45

11,445 posts

9. Pet

Feeling lonely and can't afford a dog? Have a fish tank but can't buy a goldfish? Then open up a can of OctoCan. This lovely octopus comes cheap and will entertain you for hours on end.

 
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