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Posted Feb 19, '12 at 5:17pm

Zeus01

Zeus01

35 posts

I decided the story will be called Super

 

Posted Feb 19, '12 at 11:42pm

Zeus01

Zeus01

35 posts

The whole day we cleaned the old, dirty apartment. Once the day was over the apartment only looked old.
"Ah finally were done. Now its relaxation time." My dad said smoothly
"RELAXATION?! IT'S 11:00!" I NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL"
"No you don't"
"What do you mean?"
"Home schooling"
"What?! Do you want me to be a social outcast? How will I make friends?!"
"There are good kids that live in this building."
"Why can't I go to school?"
"It's too risky."
"What do you mean risky?"
"Um when your mom died."
"What about when she died?"
"The um, you know what your being home schooled and thats that."
From then on I knew something was going on.
     BEEP BEEP BEEP the alarm on my clock went. I read the time: 7:00.
"Ugh" I sleepily said.
I pressed the button 'Snooze' and a surge of blue electricity went through my finger and the clock. I looked at my hand and simply said:
"Whoa."
I got up and went to my dad.
"Da-" My word was left hanging he was on the phone.
"No nothing strange has happen, he would of told me. NO! Goodbye."
"Hey dad"
"Hi bud"
"Who was that?"
"Oh that was an old friend."
I decided to not say anything and ate breakfast in silence.

 

Posted Feb 20, '12 at 5:53am

Strop

Strop

10,824 posts

Moderator

The plot development is surprisingly good. Each new installment, while brief, brings a new twist to increasingly suspicious circumstances. What is Dad up to? How long is the protagonist going to tolerate his secrecy and unilateral decision making over his life? What does Mom's death have to do with the reason he can't leave the house? And did he just get super powers from being zapped by the clock? Maybe Dad has realised something about his son, but then is he trying to act to protect the protagonist from himself? And if so, why? If you keep us asking more questions as you provide answers, your readers will keep on reading.

There are a few issues with incongruous tone, particularly in conveying volume. How does one "shout softly", and why would you yell back at somebody who is whispering to you? I'd also lose the product placement, because it distracts from the point and this isn't a Hollywood movie whose budget comes from sponsorships lol. Also, AG forums don't support special characters like registered trademarks haha.

If you wanted to really expand this such that each installment was like a chapter of a novel, you'll have to learn how to tell your story through painting the picture with the details, fleshing out events and processes to convey atmosphere. Fiction is full of conventions and devices that will direct the reader into imagining or feeling a certain something, and familiarising yourself with these will help you figure out what I mean.

Keep writing!

 

Posted Feb 20, '12 at 11:28pm

Zeus01

Zeus01

35 posts

"Okay now time for home schooling" he announced.
"Ugh do I have to?"
"Yes, it's for your own good. Now lets start with basic math."
"Okay"
"you have two blocks of clay in cube form and the edges are 10 cm. How many spheres with a radius of 5cm can you make with that amount of clay?"
"Three spheres" I said quickly without thinking.
"Great, now lets take it to the next level."
"What is the sum of all positive numbers?"
"Um, not infinite."
There was a big grin on his face
"It's"
∞   1/ns'         
'
n=1
I wrote down.
"I don't know how to say it but it's the Riemann Zeta Function"
"That is amazing!"
"Well this isn't the only thing that is amazing."
"What do you mean?"
"You have your secrets, I have mine."
"Class is over."

 

Posted Feb 20, '12 at 11:29pm

Zeus01

Zeus01

35 posts

Wow AG doesnt support special characters the answer to his math problem came out wrong

 

Posted Feb 21, '12 at 8:05am

Grokuu_Kultiras

Grokuu_Kultiras

3 posts

There we go. Firstly i would like to thank you for getting in contact with me via my wall, i appreciate it. Secondly I'm beginning to get into the story. As another user mentioned you have started introducing more and more about the characters and given them a mystery that makes me want to know more about them. I think I'm liking the development of the 'dad' figure. I don't quite get him but thats what i like about his character. The child is still nameless...a voice without a label. I would prefer if it was kept this way, personally. Very good so far, don't quit yet...keep at it!

 

Posted Feb 21, '12 at 8:38am

aknerd

aknerd

1,276 posts

"you have two blocks of clay in cube form and the edges are 10 cm. How many spheres with a radius of 5cm can you make with that amount of clay?"

This is actually a really clever problem, and demonstrates the main character's mental abilities very well.

"I don't know how to say it but it's the Riemann Zeta Function"

This one... not so much. It would be more impressive if he knew what the rz function was used for, rather than just the name of it. I realize that it is a little clunky to write down. For instance, the RZ function only converges when s is strictly greater than one, but in order for the the RZ to equal the sum of all positive numbers, s would have to equal negative one. Because then the sum would be in the form 1/(n^-1)=n. And since this does not converge, the sum of all positive numbers actually is infinite.

But, luckily, you have obviously put most of your thought into your plot, which is pretty good. I mean, some things seem kind of obvious (kid has super powers, mom had super powers and died*, dad knows kid has super powers and worries that he will get hurt if he displays them in public...) BUT the way you have been relying information is surprising enough to make me doubt my inferences. Which is a good thing.

I look forward to reading more!

*OR DID SHE?

 

Posted Feb 25, '12 at 1:41pm

Zeus01

Zeus01

35 posts

"Ryan!" my dad yelled.
"What" I replied.
"What do you mean you have your secrets?"
"Why are you so eager to know?"
"Well I'm your dad, I should know your secrets."
"I'm a normal sixteen year old that has secrets, I need privacy dad you can't know everything."
"Alright, lets have lunch then. How does Subway® sound?"
"Good"
        6:00 PM my clock read, I stared at it as though it was magical. I held my hand up trying to shoot lightning at my clock, I repeatedly
hit the "Snooze" button nothing seemed to work.
My dad walked in and said
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing" I replied
"Whats going on?"
"I didn't know till this morning"
"Know what?"
"It just happen, I hit the "Snooze" button and...and..."
"WHATS GOING ON!?"
"This may sound crazy but..."
"Oh no"
"I can shoot lightning out of my hands"

 

Posted Jun 8, '12 at 7:24pm

Zeus01

Zeus01

35 posts

"I knew it!" Dad said
"When did you know?" I replied
"When you were born."
"Umm, how?"
"You shocked my almost every day." He said chuckling
"Well, what now? What do we do? What if someone finds out?"
"OK relax, we will carry on with our lives, you will be home schooled, and if were careful enough hopefully no one will find out.
"Let's have dinner." he said with a stupid smile on his face
I gave him a look that said *Stop, you're freakin' me out*
After we had dinner, I went in my room and went to sleep early at 9:00. I was laying there staring at the ceiling when I heard a voice in my head that said *Who was my mom?*, and using my dad, I was going to find out.

 

Posted Jun 8, '12 at 7:59pm

Tobisper

Tobisper

403 posts

I'm really slacking off on my story, but to tell ya something I like this!! :D

 
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