ForumsThe Tavern[necro] Spiders are a form of demon and should be purged.

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TheAngelOfWar
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TheAngelOfWar
206 posts
Nomad

My theory is that spiders are in fact a type of demon sent to this world to punish humans.

Exhibit A.
There is no way it evolved.

What evolves with hairy 8 legs, 3 body parts, vibration sensing, swimming abilities, big fangs with venom, natural hunter traits, carnivorous, wing span varying from 1 cm to 1 feet, and has eyes varying from 0 to 300? Nothing but spiders. They are specifically designed to haunt humans and mock them with their unnatural form.

Exhibit B
They are evil.

To prove this we must first ask the question what were the first "true" spiders named? They are named the Attercopus. It means poison head. They will poison you and strike fear into your very soul and state of mind unlike any other animal.

Exhibit C They want to kill you.

Spiders that can actually harm you (and **** well know they can) on a physical level they will run after you if you threaten them. That's right. They run for you not away from you like a normal animal or bug. They run towards your *** and try to bite you in order to murder you and devour your soul if threatened, thrill seeking, bored, or low on souls. But the difference between a spider and more hostile animal say a lion is that a lion will give up when it knows that you are the human with the superior brain, superior weaponry, and have thumbs. When a spider engages in combat it will do it's very best to kill you. You can spray soapy water at it and shoot two of its legs off with a Nerf gun (which I have done) and it will still try to kill you to it's dying breath because it hates humans because it is a demon.

Exhibit D
They invade our homes on purpose.

What animal sneaks into a humans house armed to the teeth (literally) and hangs out in the corner of your room to stalk you (most likely to determine the best moment to harvest your soul). No animal, bug, fish, or insect will do this. Sometimes a deer or something will come into a humans home because it doesn't know any better or maybe a racoon will be like "this dude isn't using his basement so I think I will." but you see spiders do not walk in by mistake or look for a nice place to live in because it's not smart enough to know that humans don't like random animals living with them. Spiders invade your home in a search and assassinate mission. They come into your home and hang out in the corner waiting for the perfect moment to kill you or they go for a full scale invasion and lay eggs in your house and radio in back up to have more of its allies ready to kill you. Why? Because they are demons who want to reduce the human race into ashes. It's happened to me before but I successfully defeated and killed most of the invaders with pencils, sprays, a remote control, and a chair.

In conclusion spiders are soul eating demons who want to destroy the human race.

  • 43 Replies
HahiHa
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HahiHa
8,254 posts
Regent

Exhibit A.
There is no way it evolved.

Compared to some extinct arthropods, and even to some recent ones, spiders aren't that crazy looking.

What evolves with hairy 8 legs, 3 body parts,

2 body segments. At least be able to differentiate a spider from an insect.

Exhibit B
They are evil.

Being poisonous has nothing to do with being evil. You know what else is poisonous? The platypus.

Exhibit C
They want to kill you.

You may not know it, but you scare the hell out of spiders too. When they're not running away, they attack only because they feel threatened. You mistake self-defense for murder intentions.

Exhibit D
They invade our homes on purpose.

Counter-exhibit: We make homes that offer ideal conditions for spiders. Why do we do that? Because spiders are angels. Angels that help us against our fight with the real demons, flies, moths, and mosquitoes.

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NB: This thread is hardly world-event material. Wouldn't it be better suited for the tavern?

Doombreed
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Doombreed
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Templar

Counter-exhibit: We make homes that offer ideal conditions for spiders. Why do we do that? Because spiders are angels. Angels that help us against our fight with the real demons, flies, moths, and mosquitoes.

Agreed. I never quite got the hatred towards them. I always liked them for helping me fend off the real enemy...the mosquitoes. These are the real demons. I've even found 3-4 in my house (albeit, small ones)

09philj
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09philj
2,825 posts
Jester

http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Cute+jumping+spider_cd1863_4978977.jpg

Mosquitoes, tsetse flies, ticks, they're the demons.

HahiHa
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HahiHa
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^ See? Spiders can even be cuddly :3

To prove this we must first ask the question what were the first "true" spiders named? They are named the Attercopus.

Small correction: I looked it up and I found that Attercopus was "declassified" from earliest spider to protospider, so it is not a true spider after all. The earliest true spider I found was therefore Palaeothele montceauensis. 'Palaeothele' literally means "ancient nipple". Fearsome indeed.
Ishtaron
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Ishtaron
359 posts
Blacksmith

The real demons are worms. Slimy, subterranean, and so many of them are parasitic horrors that literally eat you alive.

SSTG
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SSTG
13,055 posts
Treasurer

As much as I dislike spiders, I think they are actually useful because they rid us of bad bugs. Roaches and bed bugs are the evil ones!
They multiply, infest and infect our food, suck our blood, and stink badly.

pickpocket
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pickpocket
5,956 posts
Shepherd

I'm somewhat concerned that you're serious...

FishPreferred
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FishPreferred
3,171 posts
Duke

My theory is that spiders are in fact a type of demon sent to this world to punish humans.
Not a real theory, sorry.

What evolves with hairy 8 legs, 3 body parts, vibration sensing, swimming abilities, big fangs with venom, natural hunter traits, carnivorous, wing span varying from 1 cm to 1 feet, and has eyes varying from 0 to 300?
Absolutely nothing outside of fiction. There is no such thing as a winged, three-segmented octopod with anywhere near 300 eyes.

To prove this we must first ask the question what were the first "true" spiders named? They are named the Attercopus. It means poison head. They will poison you and strike fear into your very soul and state of mind unlike any other animal.
1 Well, those aren't true spiders. The distinction between Uraraneida and Araneae is explained in the next two paragraphs of the same article.
2 The name doesn't prove a thing. Members of the genus Hydra derive their name from the deadly Lernaean Hydra of Greek legend; a creature with toxic breath, more toxic blood, and innumerable heads. They have a maximum size of ~1cm and are a danger to zooplankton only.
3 As for fear induction, I think you may be forgetting something.
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/iVafAz78A08/hqdefault.jpg

Spiders that can actually harm you (and **** well know they can) on a physical level they will run after you if you threaten them. That's right.
No, it isn't.

They run for you not away from you like a normal animal or bug.
No, they don't. Solifugids might, but solifugids aren't spiders either.

They run towards your *** and try to bite you in order to murder you and devour your soul if threatened, thrill seeking, bored, or low on souls.
Murder requires, among other things, the legal personhood of both parties, so no. The rest of the statement will not be dignified with a response.

But the difference between a spider and more hostile animal say a lion is that a lion will give up when it knows that you are the human [...]
Why, then, is it more hostile? What about the lions who have not learned to avoid humans?

[...] with the superior brain, [...]
Don't make me laugh.

You can spray soapy water at it and shoot two of its legs off with a Nerf gun (which I have done) and it will still try to kill you to it's dying breath because it hates humans because it is a demon.
You brutally amputated two of its limbs with a blunt ballistic weapon, and somehow this makes it a demon?

but you see spiders do not walk in by mistake or look for a nice place to live in because it's not smart enough to know that humans don't like random animals living with them.
Of course not. They don't even know they're inside a manmade structure. Their eyes aren't nearly sophisticated enough for that kind of spacial mapping and terrain recognition.

It's happened to me before but I successfully defeated and killed most of the invaders with pencils, sprays, a remote control, and a chair.
So, you've managed to gain the upper hand, despite being assassinated and zombified by demonic spiders on numerous occasions? Interesting.
TheAngelOfWar
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TheAngelOfWar
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Nomad

You guys wanna know what kills mosquitoes, flies, and roaches a lot faster, better, and are a lot more docile? Assassin bugs, lizards, and (pet) rats and much more.

Hypothetically speaking if all spiders were to die there would be more food for other animals due to a consumer/hunter class being erased from the food chain. Only a select few animals actually eat spiders that can actually harm a human and almost all of the time no animal will specifically hunt for a spider. Since a handful of animals, insects, and bugs are struggling to survive due to human activities their population will increase whilst the producer class, well the producer class doesn't really change, nothing really changes at all since spiders are meat eaters (or dissolve and sucker) so other than an increase in population of animals are also hunters that will replace the spiders. In short term the food chain might be awkwardly balanced but as the next generation of hunters come in and replace the spiders it will fix itself.

Also (pet) lizard is far larger than most spiders and does not threaten your life and actually remembers you as a friend and not potential food.

HahiHa
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HahiHa
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Hypothetically speaking if all spiders were to die there would be more food for other animals due to a consumer/hunter class being erased from the food chain. Only a select few animals actually eat spiders that can actually harm a human and almost all of the time no animal will specifically hunt for a spider. Since a handful of animals, insects, and bugs are struggling to survive due to human activities their population will increase whilst the producer class, well the producer class doesn't really change, nothing really changes at all since spiders are meat eaters (or dissolve and sucker) so other than an increase in population of animals are also hunters that will replace the spiders. In short term the food chain might be awkwardly balanced but as the next generation of hunters come in and replace the spiders it will fix itself.

Only someone with little knowledge on the ecological impact of spiders could come up with such conjectures.

Also (pet) lizard is far larger than most spiders and does not threaten your life and actually remembers you as a friend and not potential food.
The fact that you consider an animal far larger than a spider as less of a threat merely confirms that you are simply afraid of spiders. I also seriously doubt that lizards remember people at all. Finally, since the dawn of humanity, not a single human being was eaten by any kind of spider. What you tend to forget is that the vast majority of spiders are so small that their fangs cannot even penetrate the human skin. Among those that can, the vast majority are not more toxic than, say, a sting of a bee (btw, that makes me think of wasps, who are a far bigger annoyance than spiders imho). That is because spiders are harmless insectivores, not the vile human hunters you try to paint them into. If you compare the numbers of accidents, the number of people who die from spider bites vanishes in comparison to the numbers of people who die because of jellyfishes or cows.
spaceskeleton
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spaceskeleton
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Duchess

Wow, OP is being taken very seriously.
Anyway, so many people find jumping spiders cute. But they jump right on you with ridiculous speed. One would think they'd rather jump in the opposite direction but nope, right in the face.

Ishtaron
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Ishtaron
359 posts
Blacksmith

One would think they'd rather jump in the opposite direction but nope, right in the face.

The face is the most delicious part, but only when cooked properly. Raw face is just disgusting.

HahiHa
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HahiHa
8,254 posts
Regent

Wow, OP is being taken very seriously.

He chose to post this in the WEPR section instead of the tavern, he has brought it upon himself I could ignore it, but I happen to like spiders...

Anyway, so many people find jumping spiders cute. But they jump right on you with ridiculous speed. One would think they'd rather jump in the opposite direction but nope, right in the face.

What about cute dancing pea**** spiders?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1lsRilcqkO8

FishPreferred
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FishPreferred
3,171 posts
Duke

You guys wanna know what kills mosquitoes, flies, and roaches a lot faster, better, and are a lot more docile? Assassin bugs, lizards, and (pet) rats and much more.
Rats don't hunt mosquitoes, or flies, or even most garden pests; neither do most lizards.

Hypothetically speaking if all spiders were to die there would be more food for other animals due to a consumer/hunter class being erased from the food chain.
Yes, for about a month or so. Then the insect populations would start their catastrophic yoyo effect. Also, if you happen to live in an area without any other pest-eating species, you are completely and utterly screwed.

[...] almost all of the time no animal will specifically hunt for a spider. What about the entire family
Pompilidae?
spaceskeleton
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spaceskeleton
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Duchess

What about cute dancing pea**** spiders?

I'm afraid even the silly music doesn't help. Though at least he's too busy with the lady to look for any jumpy humans to scare
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