ForumsArt, Music, and WritingThe Man With No Life.

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flappybob999
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flappybob999
797 posts
Peasant

Please tell me what you think. I am a first time story writer, and this is my first story. Please give feedback.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Intro~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever wondered about life? Life is a curious thing. You are born, only to die. This is the same process on the planet Alaapokees. Alapokians are short little fellows, with pointed ears, and rounded noses. The tallest only come up to 4 feet tall.

Alaapokees is a small planet, only 9000 kilometers round. One tribe, deep inside Depthar, the forest of the Kingland, has a dark past. Many terrible wizards have come and taken away children, and slaughtered their parents. But there is hope. One Alaapokian named Drivthar has a special power. One only known to the tribe (the tribe's name is Wertha) Drivthar himself doesn't know about it. Until one day....

Intro Over.
I will add on later. Please give me feedback!

  • 67 Replies
flappybob999
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flappybob999
797 posts
Peasant

As Drivthar bounded down the road, he saw Christrew, the tribe leader. Christrew was a short, chubby little man, with exceptionally long ears, and a bouncing personality. He has been known to be extremely freindly, and would welcome a King's minion inside of his house and life. Drivthar was drawn to Christrew by his personality, his fun way of teaching the younglings the arts of battle, and his cute little face. But Drivthar knew looks could be deceiving. If a king's minion got on his bad side, let's just say that minion will not return to the King. Ever.
"Howdy, Drivthar! What can I do for you today?" Christrew asked .
"Not right now, Christrew. I'm of to school." Drivthar knew Christrew was a big fan of school, so that would get him through. You see, Christrew was so freindly to Drivthar, sometimes he wouldn't let him go, he would just talk to Drivthar.
"Ah, of to your school, eh? Well, wouldn't stop you then." Christrew gave Drivthar a little wink. "Thanks, Christrew. I can talk later. Today is a very special day!
Today in school, they were learning the arts of bow and arrows. Little did Drivthar, or anyone in Wertha, know, this was the most imporatant day in Alaapokees.

+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+ To be continued... +_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+_+

jeffwak906
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jeffwak906
237 posts
Shepherd

Very good, Flappy! I am noticing some grammatical errors, and would you need an editor? I am great at grammar, so if you need someone to proofread it, I'm here!

dragoncrusher
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dragoncrusher
773 posts
Peasant

Wow! I can't wait for more! Good job flappybob

irken21
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irken21
33 posts
Nomad

This is definitely good so far. I can't wait to find out what happens next.

flappybob999
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flappybob999
797 posts
Peasant

@Jeff
I don't see any grammar mistakes, and if you would like to proofread it, thats fine.

@Dragon
Thank you! And you can call me Flappy. :P

Carlie
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Carlie
6,843 posts
Blacksmith

Looks good, I will be looking forward to the next installment

One suggestion though, you might want to work on your usage of commas. There are quite a bit in there. I used to do the same thing, I used commas way too much back in the day!

Timegoesby
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Timegoesby
1,006 posts
Nomad

Can't wait for the next part.

jeffwak906
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jeffwak906
237 posts
Shepherd

@ Flappy
Well, that's not true. I have seen some errors, but when you write something yourself you tend not to see the mistakes since you wrote it. In your head you know what happens and make the changes in your head rather then noticing them. It helps to read it aloud before sending to find those pesky errors. And Carlie's right, a little over-doing on the commas!

kevin44
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kevin44
1,780 posts
Jester

This is very good, I can't wait for the next part!

I did see one error, you said of when you needed to say off. But that was probably just a typing error.

skater_kid_who_pwns
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skater_kid_who_pwns
4,376 posts
Blacksmith

Ah, gramar mistakes or none it is still very good flappy!

MissingTeddyHanssen
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MissingTeddyHanssen
446 posts
Nomad

Good! Very good! But as what the others said, you still need to take note on your commas. I'm looking forward to your next installment, Flappy!

flappybob999
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flappybob999
797 posts
Peasant

Hehe guys, I'll work on the commas.

@Jeff
I looked it over 5 times. :P

Danstanta
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Danstanta
1,702 posts
Blacksmith

Interesting and amusing

flappybob999
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flappybob999
797 posts
Peasant

Thanks Danstanta.

I have to log of now, I Will put the next isnallment in tomorrow.

kevin44
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kevin44
1,780 posts
Jester

Cool. Very interesting story so far, please hurry up! I can't wait.

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