The ringing of gunfire echoed throughout the battlefield, men fell in their own pools of blood. The thumping of lead hitting the crude pillar a group of dirty, sweaty, tired men used as cover. The constant pounding, and the constant bullet whizzing over-head kept the men tense and on their toes. They could do nothing else except feel the strain of cement breaking off every second, feeling the pillar weaken with every bone crushing bullet.
One of the men braved himself and took a leap of faith, getting out of cover he took a quick look in the direction of the bullets. Just as he was about to sit down, he felt his head go numb and the pain set in. His eyes blanked out for a second, then he regained. He was in extraordinary pain now, feeling a liquid dripping down, the last sight he would ever see. The man died then and there, in his own pool of blood.
This caused an up-roar and bullets were now exchanged from behind the pillar & the hill of death. Men continued to fall, every minuet or so a man would scream in pain and fall to the ground with a thunderous thump. The hot shells of their bullets continued to spill, smoke oozing from their weapons. The stench of death was in the air, and the salty smell of blood was close behind.
After a few more hard and life threatening hours, the battlefield became silent, no more was the sound of bullets firing, no more the sound of bodies hitting the pavement. No more, was the death & destruction that had come upon this field. Yet the hill still remained, and the men on the hill lay lifelessâ�æâ�æ.
This is a powerful story, to say the least. You use a ton of adverbs, however, which messes with the flow of the story overall. You definitely get an honorable mention for the way you're able to channel emotion and tone in your story, though.
Tennis'
Two curious brothers named Jeff and Matt were the last of them all in the continent of Asia. Before the great massacre of all human beings by the terrible meteor which wiped out the whole world. The week before the horrible day there grandfather left them a chest and said not to open it until he died, so that day has come. But there grandfather never told them where the chest was, they were looking all over there house but they could not find it. Finally two days later they found it underneath there closet floor after they tore up the whole house. Then they opened it and there was a bunch of rusty tools, rags, and old magazines. They figured it was just a bunch of old junk from the 60s but taped to the bottom of the chest was a map of Asia. The boys were startled that this is what there grandfather wanted them to have. But at the end of the map was an x was faded away, Matt said â��Is this a treasure mapâ�� and all of a sudden a hawk mixed with a lion called the manskrey tore off the roof of the house and Matt was knocked to the ground unconscious. Jeff had to carry him on his back for six miles until he lost the manskrey. The attack was so sudden they didnâ��t even think of bringing food or water so they had to find lakes or rivers to drink from and animals to eat. It started to get dark so they made a hut like house and stayed the night in that. That morning they saw the manskrey in the distance, so Jeff woke Matt up and they headed off. Matt took a look at the map one more time and saw that the other side of the map was a message of when his grandfather was a kid. He wrote how his life as a kid was terrible and how he ran away from home onto a passage that only he knows of. So they see that they are close to where this passage is. So they go in the passage to get away from the manskrey and get there flashlight out to read the message. Matt said that it was just a bunch of old junk about grandpaâ��s life. To be continuedâ�æâ�æâ�æ..
The plot devices at the beginning are a bit too strong, but it finishes off rather well. It's interesting.
Sssssnnaakke's
That cold wet day in December there was a lonely man named Geogore he had the worst day of his life in Salt Lake City. First he went to get coffee and the lady at the counter start cussing at him for being not a polite person. On the way to work he spilled the rest of his coffee on his shirt which made it look like he was digging in toilets and trash cans around the city. He went back home to get a new shirt which he stepped in a pothole about a foot deep, yes that day it was pouring then when he reentered his apartment complex he stepped on his neighbors lazy cat while she was in her 20 hour nap. When he got his new shirt on he noticed that he was late for work by 27 minutes. So he as quickly as he could went down the apartment door and noticed he had a ticket and that he still didnâ��t have a new shirt on. So after he got on a new shirt jumped over the big puddle he ran down 129 stairs to work and told his boss an excuse why he was late. He quickly drew a horse with a wide saddle and a rider that looked like he was going to fall off in the matter of seconds. He drew comics for Daily Harold and he made the rider look like Geogore Bush saying something that was hard to read which means if you can see you probably would not be able to read it. So he told his boss he got a ticket and he had to go and pay for it, the boss said that he could go only if he was not gone to long too long. So he went to the police station with his Ferrari that was a little rusty but still was in good shape. He swung open the car and saw another ticket so he really was mad like the lady at the counter that gave him the coffee and the cat he stepped on. So he turned on the Ferrari and drove to the police station at 20 mph then people started honking so he put the radio on and heard â��There is a terrible storm coming from Washington to Utah the prediction is that it will hit hard near Salt Lake City. He went to the police noticing that his secretary was in hand cuffs cussing to the police. He was wondering what had happened to his very blonde, skinny secretary. Then he slowly walked to her just to feel his head being hit with a baseball bat. Then he heard her scream â��Go away Iâ��ll handle them.â�� Then he noticed what was happening, her boyfriendâ��s gang started to beating up the police with baseball bats and drilling them with glue and paper, before he knew it he was in his own office at 4am duck taped to his own chair which was duck taped to the freshly painted wall. He thought about what he should do should he wait to 5am when the office had a big meeting or should he try calling help or should he try to get untaped? So he decided he would wait he tried to figure what had happened. Then he thought and noticed that the janitor cleans at 4:15 am. But thought how long it would take till he came to his office. He thought normally the lights would be on if you would clean right? He slowly started to think back and remembered a big storm was coming. So then he decided he would try to get out of his chair and his chair of the wall it took him 45 minutes to get the chair off the wall. Then he started to roll to the door, he knew he couldnâ��t roll forever so he started to get the tape off by picking it off with a Twinkie which worked. When he got outside he gaspedâ�æ To be continued
You have significant grammar flops in this story. The plot is interesting, but it ends up falling slightly short. Good one overall.
BeyondKnights' The world is the world we live in. You cannot change it, you must live and abide by it.
The world can change you though, open your eyes to a whole new side of things and you can see through the stained glass window more clearly now. As you hold the hand of your own savior then one you believe in or the one you love leads you down the road of life to neverending happiness or neverending fear.
Fear is your own mind telling you that you can't do it, but you an, you must tell your mind to shut the *Censored* up and you must move on strong. The one you love or your savior will be what's driving you to push on.
Without you they die lost and alone down there road of life because not only are they pulling you down the road your pulling them. You are one with another whether you realize it or not there is someone your close to coasting you down the road but you are as well bringing them with you as Manifest Destiny has foretold.
The destiny of you and the other will live on and though will abide it. For we live in a different world with different people who all want the same thing, love.
Wasn't exactly a 'story' in the conventional sense, but it has probably the best tone of any story insofar.
ShadowPhoenix's
John sat there, unable to move as he looked out the frost covered window. It was mid-January, and the world was ending. He sighed. "This is the end," John kept telling himself, "Do something!" No, he couldn't he was frozen, not by the blizzard taking place outside, but by fear. "Come on you big baby!" He told himself, "You are a (censored) X-marine, you are better than this!" "No I'm not." he told himself. "I am a coward." "Well than stopbeing a coward, this is the end of humanity!" "I just can't." "Yes you-" John never liked the cold. He stopped himself because he felt one of the most glorious things ever, extreme heat. The joy only lasted a second before he was half disinigrated by lasers. The last thing he saw was his partner and friend, Nigel staring in awe.
Timmy woke up that morning, got dressed in his snowsuit and clapped excitedly. He ran out the front door then slammed it and rolled around in the snow. It was the first snoe all season, so it was very plentiful. He looked at the horizon and saw smoke. "Another fire?" he said to himself. There had been a lot of fires on the news lately, so he was kind of used to it. He built a snowman, stepped back a bit then admired his work. All at once one of the scariest things ever happened. A red bolt desended from the sky, as fast as lightning and struck his frozen statue. He instintively looked up and saw a puple disk rotating in the sky. Another bolt struck coming down right onto his head. A half second before he died time slowed. The bolt was only moving at the speed of a feather floating gently from the sky with no wind. He leaped to the side. He bouded 5 feet before he touched the ground. He felt something odd ow. A warm substance trickled down his leg. He stomped his foot, "Oh come on!" His parents ran out, having watched his from the window. "Get in the car-NOW!" His dad yelled at him. He just brely climbed in the car before his mom slammed on the pedal.
"Amazing." Owyn remarked,thinking of the boy who did the impossible, dodged light. A perfec specimen, and still young!" Owyn laughed meniacly, like normal. Tht remaining humans won't ever suspect being slaughtered by their own kind!" He laughed again. "Prfect..." he kept purring after that.
Nigel jaw dropped. He had lost his office and his best friend in about 5 seconds. He sighed. He saluted his fried and began a memorial when another laser just barely missed him, destroying the buildings foundation causing it to collapse on him. As soon as the drywall tapped him, he passed out.
Timmy waited for abouthalf an hour for something to happen. His parents were silent. Then a laser blew the back of their car off. Timmy began crying. They then crashed through the wal of a super-market. They sit down in the first-aid section behind the counter. They hear footsteps, more plentiful than a humans though. A green figure jumps out. Timmy's dad pulls out an assalt rifle and shoots the alien. It's right arm was blown out of the socket. It growled and struck his mom in the head with a laser. She uttered one last cry before she fell. "Timmy..." she gasped. And then the faint glow in her eye's was terminated. "(censored) it! You killed Kristen, rahh!" the man charged and got his arm butchered by the alien's sharp weapon. The alien took a blow to the head from a 5.56 round. The creature leaped back sticking a glowing green orb to Timmy's father's chest. The man was blown into oblivion. The boy's eyes became fire. Time slowed again. He bounding out from his cover and snatched the assalt rifle out of the air before it touched the ground. The alien gave a start as Timmy unloaded three clips into it's chest. Timmy bellowed a war crie and slammed the bottom of the rifle into the alien's jaw. It was sent aflight. Timmy leaped into the air shooting the creature's neck and stomping it's head flat when they hit the ground. He dragged his parent's to the alien's corps and began to sob.
Chill awoke in his house,it was destroyed. He gave a deep sigh looked around and concluded to himself, "Aliens.".
This gets an honorable mention for feeding my Narcissism, because I'm in it. The overall story has some obstructions with the flow- there isn't a lot of variation in sentences. It's a bit adverby in places as well, but overall it's pretty descriptive and good.
Poisonarrow's
I was awake, but I thought I had walked into a dream. I was lying on the ground, covered with dirt and sweat. I tried to stand up, but my legs weren't strong enough to hold me. I fell back with a startled grunt, my chest heaving, my lungs feeding greedily on the stale oxygen in the room. I rested there for a while, on the ground, collecting my breath, when I noticed the sign above the door. It read E.R. So I was in a hospital, but why, I did not know. It was then that I noticed the syringe attatched to my arm, and the red fluid inside. I pulled out the needle, and my arm went numb with pain. It fell to the floor, sending a wave of agony up the appendage and through to my spine. My second attempt at getting up was more successful. I staggered over to the door and stumbled with the doorknob, cursing my lame arm. I finaly opened the door and got over to the attendants desk, but the attendant wasn't there. I checked all the other rooms in the hospital, but they were all vacant. I gave a sigh of discontent, wondering where everyone could have gone. I walked over to the main entrance, and nearly fell over again with surprise. All that lay before me was a wasteland. Cars overturned, whole buildings colapsed, destruction as far as the eye could see. I walked along the empty streets, my gaze falling over all of the deserted homes, the destroyed buildings, all the while wondering how this could have happened. After the first month of traveling, I came to the conclusion that I might be the only one left. I knew I was alone in the world, the last of my kind. I fell down on my knees, the weight of the sadness that had welled up inside of me too much to bear any longer. I had decided to end this miserable existance once and for all. I carved on makeshift gallows a poem, my final words before I departed from this world. Here I hang, overcome, By sadness grief and sorrow. And here I'll hang, 'til Kingdom Come, Wishing for a better 'morrow. Written by Pois0nArr0w
This is a great story. The first-person PoV is done quite well, and the poem at the end adds some spice to the flow of the piece. The plot is short and effective. And with congratulations, I award this piece FIRST PLACE! Congrats Pois0nArr0w.
Jalex's
~~The liquid trickled down his throat as it saturated his senses. He then died. The wind blew against his dead body and spread the fowl smell of fecal matter into the moist air. A murder of crows then proceded to feast on his insides, spilling frozen blood and intestines everywhere. A baby then crawled outside onto to the porch and saw the remains of his brother, now splattered on the patio and windows. The darkest crow, though all those crows were dark, grabbed the baby, ripped its face off, and threw it so far into the dark abysmal that not even satan could feast on it. The sun began to rise, it was a brand new day. The child awoke from a deep slumber, sweating and panting. It was only a dream, he thought. He then touched his neck and felt a liquid drip down.
Not to be harsh, but I didn't really like this one too much. There wasn't any real beginning- unless those two tildes were supposed to replace something- and it's basically just a bunch of macabre, gory occurrences. There isn't a plot at all- though props for descriptiveness. I like the note it ends on. It just didn't come together into anything really special. ---------
Once again, congrats Pois0nArr0w! I loved your story.
Okay since I think he left. I will let everyone post there new stories now. The new topic is going to be SCARY STORIES! We will also need a new judge for the new topic.
On a night like any normal night. There was a boy named Derrick Forman and his girlfriend named Haley Ward. They were at the park talking about school and listening to the radio when they heard a guy talking about a secret mass murderer running around the city (New York City). Haley said "I am a little scared, can you take me home." Derrick then said "don't worry about it, people say stupid stuff to scare you. But I will if you want." The next day at school Derrick is talking to his friends and making jokes about the mass murderer. Haley hears him and says "you really shouldn't be talking about him, he could be watching." Derrick then bursts out laughing and told Haley not to worry about it. Later that night Derrick was getting ready for bed and when he heard a noise outside the window. He then got worried. He got out his baseball bat when all of a sudden BAM!!!... To Be Continued...
