A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind! Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres! So I called him a loser. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
One day a college professor was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand.After a minute a young man stood up. The professor then asked the kid if he actually thought he was a moron. The kid replied, "No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"The boy takes the quarters and leaves."What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the Newfie replied.A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.'Yup' replied the Newfie.'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.Watch' the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.The three stood looking at one another for a moment.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You moron It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it."Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde.""I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
