Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Haiku Contest - Broken Bond (page 531, due: Feb 2)

gay

Oh god mavric, please, just for the love of god don't take 2 weeks. Please. ^.^

Wait, I'm new to the contests. Do we win a merit if we win? Just wondering. I've heard they have merit contests, and I'm not sure this is one of them.

Well this sucks. There was a copy and past error, and everything got deleted. I was deciding second place too. I have no energy to try and re do it tonight, so I'll have it up tomorrow morning.

This really, really sucks. A lot.

And yes Acmed, the winner recieves a merit.

Heres the judging. I'll be juding the round this week, because Fallen is currently indisposed at the moment. Hopefully after this we can get back on track to our normal judging schedual, but you'll have to suffer through me this week.
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This first part is in chronological order, so everyone gets a critique. The placing will be after this.

Master565

The sand, it goes on.
Only broken by a town.
Where the fight begins.

This one was good. You followed the correct form, and had good end-line puntuation to guide the reader. However, you're under the common assumption that each sentence has to be one line. Thats not true. Having a little enjabment gives you much more to work with, because you can expand your ideas to multiple lines. Again, this was a good haiku so keep it up.

Chitown

The sun is setting
Cowboys get on their horses
Gallop in the night

I thought this one was good, though it needs a little technical work. You have followed the correct form, which is good, and you've also covered the theme well. However, you need some end-line puntuation. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. If you can work on that, you do much better.

Iamnotironman

The Sun beats down on
A hot desert, Cowboys on
Their horses to fight

This one was good too. I liked especially how you used enjabment, rather than limiting your ideas to one line each. The problem arises in that you have no puntuation at the end of your lines to guide the reader. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. Your third line is odd to say. 'to fight' doesn't flow well with the rest of the poem. Experimenting with words and their placement should help to resolve this problem. Keep it up.

Bunniecorps

Golden rays shower
Blood soakes the gunpowder
Cowboys just glower

The first and second lines of this haiku don't have enough syllabuls, so it is disqualified. I will still critique it though.

You did a good job describing the scene, both describing the sun and the relationship between the cowboys. Besides the syllabul problem, you also don't have any puntuation at the end of your lines. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. If you can fix these problems, than you'll do much better.

KingLemon

A silent dry wind
The clock bell breaks the silence
Two shots, just one hit.

While this one is good, I liked your first version better. having one cowboy die adds a sort of finality to the haiku. Only having one wounded leaves the reader hanging, and asking too many questions. Why was he only wounded? Was it skill, or a miss? Did the other cowboy win? However, you did a good job describing the scene. I especially liked 'the dry silent wind'. The other problem I have is that you have no end-line puntuation. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. If you can fix these few things, you should do fine.

Endscape

I was amazing
Near undefeated, but now...
I'm twenty..... and one

I thought this one was quite funny. It adds a more humorous take to the gunbattles of the Wild West. The only problem I have with it is that you have no punctuation to guide the reader; the elipses aren't cutting it. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. Thats really whats stopping this Haiku from being really good.

Dudeguy45

I squint past the dust
In the saloon's miasma
Who knows your wanted?

I thought this one was pretty good as well. 'Miasma' isn't a word you see every day, so including it in your haiku was quite nice. You also wrote about an interesting topic, of escaping detection, so thats nice as well. As with so many others, my only problem is that you have no end-line puntuation; the question mark isn't cutting it. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. If you can fix that, you'll do much better.

Fallensky

Just how many times
Have I caught these stupid fours
Retarded Daltons

I feel as if I'm missing out on a joke, because I have no idea who the Daltons are. I just don't get the entire point of it. So... yeah.

Professor Oak

Directing the horse
Into nothing but heatwaves
The two keep riding

I liked this as it is very descriptive. You did a good job both describing and choosing a theme to write about. Its refreshing to read a Haiku that branches away from what you instantly thing of when you see 'The Old West'. Again, my big problem is that you don't have any puntuation at the end of your lines. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together.

Strop

Mourn America!
Beat your chest and celebrate
Glory days now past

This is a really good haiku. Its well written, though you need a period at the end of 'ast'. The problem lies in that your haiku doesn't really cover the theme of 'The Old West'. Theres not even a reference to 'The Old West', and thats dissapointing in an otherwise good haiku.

Jeol

Settlers rush West,
Panning willingly for gold
Hoping to strike rich.

This was another good haiku. You chose to write about a less obvious topic of 'The Old West', and thats great. You have good form, and theres no major problems with it. The only fault is that you should have a period or comma after 'gold' to fill in the awkward gap there. Other than that, its good, so keep it up.

Waluigi

searching for profit
settlers taking land out west
Driving out natives

Like Jeols, I like how you chose to write about a less obvious topic this round. Its always refreshing to read a new spin on anything, and several people have done that. However, you need to have both capitalization and puntuation. Its rather odd that the first word of the first and second line isn't capitalized, yet 'Driving' is. So that needs to be fixed. Also, you need to have puntuation throughout your haiku, especially at the end of the lines. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. If you can fix those things, you should be good.

Acmed

I'm the sheriff here
I am the one with the gun
And you diffident.

This one was alright. You have good form and you don't have any problems with syllabuls, so thats good. However, I'm not quite sure you under stand what 'diffident' means, as Master565 pointed out. Its rather confusing because I'm not quite sure what you meant. Also, starting your first line with 'I'm' and then your second line with 'I am' makes it sound awkward when spoken outloud. You also need some punctuation at the end of your lines. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. You've got the basics down, you just need to work on the finer things.

Jacksonghunington

Cowboys and maidens
The fairest of the village
Revolvers sound off

I have to confess, its rather confusing to read this haiku. You use words like 'Cowboys' and 'Revolvers', which imply a western theme. Yet you then have words like 'Maidens' and 'village', which then implys a European or fairytale theme. So you have two conflicting themes it seems. You also need to have some punctuation at the end of your lines. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. You have good form though, so if you can work on these things, you should do much better.

TerryLasVegas

Howdy there stranger
This town sure aint big enough
For the two of us

I also thought this one was a little funny. It captures the theme quite nicelyl, because your lines are in pretty much every western movie in existence. At the same time though, it doesn't seem as if these are your words in a sense. Its like you described the sun as 'yellow, bright, and hot'. You've done a good job describing it, but you haven't brought anything new to the table. You also need some punctuation at the end of your lines. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. If you can just fix that one thing, it would be much better.

Maverick4

Come back Clint Eastwood!
Little Rango here still needs
Water for the town.

This one is awesome. You would all do well to take notes and attempt to emulate the awesomeness that is this haiku.

Not really. :P

Nater

The old dusty trail
Caravans with families
Finding a new way

I liked the topic that this one covered. The amount of people that went West is really an overlooked aspect of 'The Old West', and so its nice that it wasn't forgotten. That being said, you've been bitten by the Punctuation Bug; you really need some punctuation at the end of your lines. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. Just fix that, and you'll be fine.

Deathopper

I law down on dirt
And my blood starts driping down
I just lost the fight.

While you wrote about 'gunslingers', you covered it from a differenst perspective, that of the loser. Thats quite nice, because we typically only focus on the winner and winning in general. WHen your haiku is spoken outloud, it sounds choppy. This happened because you have too many words with only one syllabul. Try using some different words to break up the duh-duh-duh of your haiku into something more like DUM-da-de-duh, if that makes sense. You also need some end-line punctuation. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. If you can correct, you do much better.

FloydTC

why this white man come,
kill us with loud thunderstick,
and take all our land?

Under normal circumstances, I'd have to go Grammar Nazi on your for your attrocious verbatim. However, given the subject matter, I think its excusable. I really, really liked how you wrote from the Indian's perspective rather than the 'whitemans', as you put it. Thats what really sets this haiku apart in my opinion. However, you really need to work on your capitilization and punctuation. Its visually appealing to have the first word of each line capitilized. And you need some end-line puntuation. Having periods, commas, semicolons, etc, will help to direct the flow as your haiku is read, and will make for a better read all together. If you can fix that, you should be fine.

TackyCrazyTNT

Facing the red sun,
I gallop with my tan steed
Gun in hand, to death.

This one was pretty nice. It was descriptive, and yet still covered the theme well. You also used the first person nicely, which is always tricky to do. The only problem I have with is that theres an awkward transition from 'steed' to 'Gun'. I think you should have some extra punctuation there, or a rewording is needed. Still its a good haiku, so keep it up.

Idontsuckthatmuch

Ride into the sun,
The light shines all around me,
Into legacy.

I liked this haiku too. Its pretty descriptive and covers the theme, thought its not in your face. Its good though. Theres no major problems really, so thats good. Theres just a little bit of an oddity when you start out. Your first haiku fixed this, but it had too many syllabuls, so... Keep it up.

A short note:

So if you read any of that, than you've probally noticed that I ripped into pretty much everyone for not having adequate punctuation. I apologize, but its nessasary. With haikus, you only have 3 lines to work with, unlike in other types of poetry. Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that you have this punctuation to guide the reader as he goes through your haiku.
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And now for the part most of you probally skipped too... The Placeing! Wooo!

Wood Plaque: TackyCrazyTNT

Facing the red sun,
I gallop with my tan steed
Gun in hand, to death.

I really liked your haiku, and you did a great job describing the scene. However, there was just a slight oddity that prevents you from placing higher.

Silver Plaque: FloydTC

why this white man come,
kill us with loud thunderstick,
and take all our land?

I liked this one as well, and I really enjoyed the unique perspective that you brought. However, your capitilization needs some work.

Gold Plaque: Jeol

Settlers rush West,
Panning willingly for gold
Hoping to strike rich.

I liked this one alot, because you had both good form and an interesting topic. The only problem was that there was the slightest of awkward pauses at the end of your second line. A comma or period should resove this.

Platinum Merit Plaque: KingLemon

A silent dry wind
The clock bell breaks the silence
Two shots, just one hit.

Of all the haikus, this one stood out the most to me. You reflected the theme very well, and wrote from a different perspective. You need some work with your punctuation, so focus on that. Congratulations! Go contact a mod for your merit!

There were many great Haikus this round, and it was very difficult to choose a winner. Congratulations to KingLemon, Jeol, FloydTC, and TackyCrazyTNT for placing, and congratulations to everyone for simply entering a haiku. Its a lot harder than it would seem.

The topic for the next round will be 'The Lily Pond', and will be due on June 30th. Not to sure about how long the rounds last, so I'll just have 10 days. Plus, that should give everyone plenty of time to enter and get their affairs sorted out.

Happy Haiku'ing!

Hey, the first round was "The Pond", can we do something else?

capitalization? really? thats it? isnt it about subject matter?

Hey, the first round was "The Pond", can we do something else?

capitalization? really? thats it? isnt it about subject matter?

And you need some end-line puntuation.

last time I checked I had that. I hope that didnt affect my placement.

3rd out of 21 is pretty good. I know Ive never placed that high before.

Hey, the first round was "The Pond", can we do something else?

That was extensive, Mav. How long did that take? Oo

Congratulations to KingLemon, by the way.

Yes, but it must make a reference to a Lily, or Lilies.

Example:

Oh graceful Lily!
You drift and ebb amid the
Waters of my life.

Okay, I'll give it a shot...

Mirror

My face's reflection,
On the lily pond of hope,
I stand alone, still.

It's just a poem of someone alone with nothing but a lily pond of life to keep him company.

That was extensive, Mav. How long did that take? Oo