Haiku Contest - Broken Bond (page 531, due: Feb 2)

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Quirinus1

157 posts

Shepherd

Posted July 1, '11 8:09am UTC

@Maverick4

Not to too my own horn

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/toot.png

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Quirinus1

157 posts

Shepherd

Posted July 1, '11 8:10am UTC

*fixes*

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Hypermnestra

26,390 posts

Nomad

Posted July 1, '11 3:09pm UTC

Uh I hate to break it to you, but deadlines were officially closed a page or two back.

Really? I swear I checked back to make sure the submissions were still open, but I guess it must have been buried in all the rant. Mea culpa.

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Maverick4

6,800 posts

Peasant

Posted July 1, '11 3:47pm UTC

No,Maverick did by making the thread

Cute. If you hate the thread so much, GTFO. NOW.

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dudeguy45

2,917 posts

Peasant

Posted July 1, '11 6:23pm UTC

It's been such a long time folks. I haven't judged in FOREVER! Anyways, lots of good haikus. Let's get started.

Acmed

My face's reflection,
On the lily pond of hope,
I stand alone, still.

I like the serenity of this. I have done the same, standing idly at a pond just thinking, staring. Somehow the pond makes you happy. Your haiku is very calming.

Endscape

Without direction,
Subject to all but yourself,
Mourn, for the pond's slave.

This haiku kind of confuses me. Are you referring to yourself as the pond's slave? And I think you should have changed that second comma to a period. Despite that, not much reference to the pond itself,but apparently you knew what you were doing, and you thought differently then frogs or fishes, which is commendable, not saying there is anything wrong with traditional subjects.

chitown

Frogs catching insects
as they leap on lily pads,
fish watch from below.

Your haiku is very traditional, depicting the daily routine of the pond's inhabitants. Perhaps you could have used some fancier wordings, like instead of you first line, perhaps: "Frogs lash out their tongues". Not a bad haiku, but nothing really to differentiate it from the crowd.

iamnotironman

Frogs on lily pads.
Catching bugs and jumping all
Over the huge pond.

I'm not sure if you'll care to see this, but after your corrections you came out with something similar to chitown and others. A good poem, with traditional thoughts of a pond in mind. But I don't like the transition between you second and last lines. You split the sentence. Other than that, ok haiku.

XVERB

Deep in the forest
A pond of fishes and frogs
Sits peacefully still.

You have captured the tranquility of a middle-of-nowhere small body of water. Nothing is disturbing it, as you state in your last line. Simple but effective haiku.

idontsuckthatmuch

The green lily glides,
Gracefully across the pond,
Breaking the silence.

You haiku sets off an image in my mind of the pond. The only problem I have with yours is that I wasn't aware that floating lilies make sounds, as stated in your last line. But words like "glide" instead of float and "gracefully" instead of peacefully really spice up your haiku. Good job.

TackyCrazyTNT

Petals float calmly,
Twirling circles in the blue
Of the Lily Pond

Only while judging have I realized how similar my haiku is to yours. Therefore, I like your poem a lot. I guess we both were creating a silent, tranquil pond with lilies on it. You got a nice picture created in my mind. Great haiku.

dudeguy45

gleaming from the sun,
lily pads silently twirl.
yes, you have found peace.

Very similar to Tacky's and the first ever haiku I posted on this thread. Not to toot my own horn, but I think it's great.

EnterOrion

Splash, strength, fight, drown, ice,
Beneath the leaves of power,
I have become lost.

Are you drowning in a 5 foot deep pond? Or are you being murdered by aknerd? Anyway, you paint a picture in my mind of a isolated pond, and you are forever sunk in it. You deviated than the traditional "frogs n fish" mindset. Good job.

moomentality

Frog contemplates life
Lillies bear scents and colours
Frog thinks life is well.

You give your main character, Frog, a peaceful and thoughtful mindset, rather than just saying a frog catches flies, or something similar to that. I agree with your frog. Who wouldn't like a serene pond? I like your haiku a lot.

Deceptive

Radiant lilies,
Crystal still water, calmness
still lives in our world.

Very interesting haiku. I smiled when I read your last line. It is hard to believe there are calm places still left in our bustling city life. Nice word choices, such as "radiant". Very thoughtful and professional haiku.

theregulator

The sign said, "Do Not".
But I didn't heed, and it
stung. Water skiing

When I think of a pond, it is usually not big enough to ski in. Nonetheless, you have fun word choice, and apparently there is something nasty in that pond. Rule breaking is always fun. Nice thinking out of the box.

Efan

Cool, smooth, soft felt pads
Cold, watery graves under
calm tranquility.

Ponds do make good dump sites. And lilies make nice curtains. Interesting haiku, as you seem to combine the topic of death and the calmness of a tranquil pond. In result, you get a beautiful haiku.

Koru7

slow rain, dripping off,
green leaves bend slowly down,
rain showers coldly.

Your haiku doesn't seem to have any reference to a pond. The theme wasn't "rain".

deathopper

The ebbing lilies,
Corrupting my reflection,
Drift through my sad life.

I know ebbing is a real word, and it is a good choice, showing that the lilies are calmly swaying back and forth in the pond. Corrupting is nice too. The last line adds to it. Very calming haiku.

Kyouzou

Pacific ripples
beryl veneer, azure canvas
Raucous symphony of croaks

Superb word choice. Apparently you don't like frog croaks. You haiku symbolizes a pond busy with life. Very good word choice. Very good haiku. only problem: LAST LINE IS 7 SYLLABLES!

Zaork

Obfuscated, I
Hide, lost in lilting shadows
softly decomposed.

You got good descriptive words here, but there seems to be no mention of a pond.

invisibleninjagirl

Quiet, secret world
Sheltered away from hustle
Lilies float in peace.

We seemed to be going for the same thing when we wrote our haikus. A distant pond, forever undisturbed. Good word choice, and I like how you made the pond it's own "secret world".

ug5151

Shallow Waters
Holding small worlds
Lily Pads afloat.

I like how you said "holding small worlds". A pond has so many things, from fish to bugs, crayfish to lilies. So many things. But your first line is 4 syllables, and so is the second line. Haiku follows the 5-7-5 rule.

aknerd

A covered dead face;
The passing lilies conceal
My hidden bodies.

Nice. The cops wouldn't look in a nice lil' pond for bodies would they? You sir, are a professional murderer. For some reason, peaceful haiku.

Nater

"cricket" says the frog,
Finding a mate proves fruitless
The tree must go on

Ok The Riddler, what is your haiku supposed to mean? A bachelor frog that crickets? A tree? But no pond. It's interesting, but confusing and off-topic.

jacksonghuntington

Dark, murky water,
A lily pad with flowers.
A mask on it's face.

Mysterious haiku. Is the lilipad a person with a mask? Anyway, thoughtful haiku.

Hypermnestra

In night, the pond lies
Dormant, but underwater
The fish never sleep

Fish do sleep. Just with their eyes open. But I like the word dormant, and how the pond "lies". Simple haiku. I like it.

Now time for placings.
3rd place: Deceptive

Radiant lilies,
Crystal still water, calmness
still lives in our world.

I love the last line. Your haiku is beautiful.

2nd place: TackyCrazyTNT

Petals float calmly,
Twirling circles in the blue
Of the Lily Pond

My haiku and yours were very similar, and you captured and reworded my idea of a pond, therefore I thought your haiku was very good.

Merit winner: moomentality

Frog contemplates life
Lillies bear scents and colours
Frog thinks life is well.

You deviated from tradition and gave your frog a personality, and a working thought process. Your poem is whimsical and the winner of this week. Go ask a mod for your merit.

And sorry if I started a brouhaha, I just didn't want people to be disappointed if Fallen, in his sick state, didn't critique their haiku. So that's all for this week.

New theme: Last Person on Earth

Happy Haikuing!

It's been such a long time folks. I haven't judged in FOREVER! Anyways, lots of good haikus. Let's get started.\r\n\r\n\r\n[b]Acmed[/b]\r\n\r\nMy face's reflection,\r\nOn the lily pond of hope,\r\nI stand alone, still.\r\n\r\nI like the serenity of this. I have done the same, standing idly at a pond just thinking, staring. Somehow the pond makes you happy. Your haiku is very calming.\r\n\r\n[b]Endscape[/b]\r\n\r\nWithout direction,\r\nSubject to all but yourself,\r\nMourn, for the pond's slave.\r\n\r\nThis haiku kind of confuses me. Are you referring to yourself as the pond's slave? And I think you should have changed that second comma to a period. Despite that, not much reference to the pond itself,but apparently you knew what you were doing, and you thought differently then frogs or fishes, which is commendable, not saying there is anything wrong with traditional subjects.\r\n\r\n[b]chitown[/b]\r\n\r\nFrogs catching insects\r\nas they leap on lily pads,\r\nfish watch from below.\r\n\r\nYour haiku is very traditional, depicting the daily routine of the pond's inhabitants. Perhaps you could have used some fancier wordings, like instead of you first line, perhaps: "Frogs lash out their tongues". Not a bad haiku, but nothing really to differentiate it from the crowd.\r\n\r\n[b]iamnotironman[/b]\r\n\r\n\r\nFrogs on lily pads.\r\nCatching bugs and jumping all\r\nOver the huge pond.\r\n\r\nI'm not sure if you'll care to see this, but after your corrections you came out with something similar to chitown and others. A good poem, with traditional thoughts of a pond in mind. But I don't like the transition between you second and last lines. You split the sentence. Other than that, ok haiku.\r\n\r\n[b]XVERB[/b]\r\n\r\nDeep in the forest\r\nA pond of fishes and frogs\r\nSits peacefully still.\r\n\r\nYou have captured the tranquility of a middle-of-nowhere small body of water. Nothing is disturbing it, as you state in your last line. Simple but effective haiku.\r\n\r\n\r\n[b]idontsuckthatmuch[/b]\r\n\r\nThe green lily glides,\r\nGracefully across the pond,\r\nBreaking the silence.\r\n\r\nYou haiku sets off an image in my mind of the pond. The only problem I have with yours is that I wasn't aware that floating lilies make sounds, as stated in your last line. But words like "glide" instead of float and "gracefully" instead of peacefully really spice up your haiku. Good job.\r\n\r\n[b]TackyCrazyTNT[/b]\r\n\r\nPetals float calmly,\r\nTwirling circles in the blue\r\nOf the Lily Pond\r\n\r\nOnly while judging have I realized how similar my haiku is to yours. Therefore, I like your poem a lot. I guess we both were creating a silent, tranquil pond with lilies on it. You got a nice picture created in my mind. Great haiku.\r\n\r\n[b]dudeguy45[/b]\r\n\r\ngleaming from the sun,\r\nlily pads silently twirl.\r\nyes, you have found peace.\r\n\r\nVery similar to Tacky's and the first ever haiku I posted on this thread. Not to toot my own horn, but I think it's great.\r\n\r\n[b]EnterOrion[/b]\r\n\r\nSplash, strength, fight, drown, ice,\r\nBeneath the leaves of power,\r\nI have become lost.\r\n\r\nAre you drowning in a 5 foot deep pond? Or are you being murdered by aknerd? Anyway, you paint a picture in my mind of a isolated pond, and you are forever sunk in it. You deviated than the traditional "frogs n fish" mindset. Good job.\r\n\r\n[b]moomentality[/b]\r\n\r\nFrog contemplates life\r\nLillies bear scents and colours\r\nFrog thinks life is well.\r\n\r\nYou give your main character, Frog, a peaceful and thoughtful mindset, rather than just saying a frog catches flies, or something similar to that. I agree with your frog. Who wouldn't like a serene pond? I like your haiku a lot.\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n[b]Deceptive[/b]\r\n\r\nRadiant lilies,\r\nCrystal still water, calmness\r\nstill lives in our world.\r\n\r\nVery interesting haiku. I smiled when I read your last line. It is hard to believe there are calm places still left in our bustling city life. Nice word choices, such as "radiant". Very thoughtful and professional haiku.\r\n\r\n[b]theregulator[/b]\r\n\r\nThe sign said, "Do Not".\r\nBut I didn't heed, and it\r\nstung. Water skiing\r\n\r\nWhen I think of a pond, it is usually not big enough to ski in. Nonetheless, you have fun word choice, and apparently there is something nasty in that pond. Rule breaking is always fun. Nice thinking out of the box.\r\n\r\n\r\n[b]Efan[/b]\r\n\r\nCool, smooth, soft felt pads\r\nCold, watery graves under\r\ncalm tranquility.\r\n\r\nPonds do make good dump sites. And lilies make nice curtains. Interesting haiku, as you seem to combine the topic of death and the calmness of a tranquil pond. In result, you get a beautiful haiku.\r\n\r\n[b]Koru7[/b]\r\n\r\nslow rain, dripping off,\r\ngreen leaves bend slowly down,\r\nrain showers coldly.\r\n\r\nYour haiku doesn't seem to have any reference to a pond. The theme wasn't "rain".\r\n\r\n\r\n[b]deathopper[/b]\r\n\r\nThe ebbing lilies,\r\nCorrupting my reflection,\r\nDrift through my sad life.\r\n\r\nI know ebbing is a real word, and it is a good choice, showing that the lilies are calmly swaying back and forth in the pond. Corrupting is nice too. The last line adds to it. Very calming haiku.\r\n\r\n[b]Kyouzou[/b]\r\n\r\nPacific ripples\r\nberyl veneer, azure canvas\r\nRaucous symphony of croaks\r\n\r\n\r\nSuperb word choice. Apparently you don't like frog croaks. You haiku symbolizes a pond busy with life. Very good word choice. Very good haiku. only problem: LAST LINE IS 7 SYLLABLES!\r\n\r\n\r\n[b]Zaork[/b]\r\n\r\nObfuscated, I\r\nHide, lost in lilting shadows\r\nsoftly decomposed.\r\n\r\nYou got good descriptive words here, but there seems to be no mention of a pond.\r\n\r\n\r\n[b]invisibleninjagirl[/b]\r\n\r\n\r\nQuiet, secret world\r\nSheltered away from hustle\r\nLilies float in peace.\r\n\r\nWe seemed to be going for the same thing when we wrote our haikus. A distant pond,  forever undisturbed. Good word choice, and I like how you made the pond it's own "secret world".\r\n\r\n[b]ug5151[/b]\r\n\r\nShallow Waters\r\nHolding small worlds\r\nLily Pads afloat.\r\n\r\nI like how you said "holding small worlds". A pond has so many things, from fish to bugs, crayfish to lilies. So many things. But your first line is 4 syllables, and so is the second line. Haiku follows the 5-7-5 rule.\r\n\r\n\r\n[b]aknerd[/b]\r\n\r\nA covered dead face;\r\nThe passing lilies conceal\r\nMy hidden bodies.\r\n\r\nNice. The cops wouldn't look in a nice lil' pond for bodies would they? You sir, are a professional murderer. For some reason, peaceful haiku.\r\n\r\n[b]Nater[/b]\r\n\r\n"cricket" says the frog,\r\nFinding a mate proves fruitless\r\nThe tree must go on\r\n\r\nOk The Riddler, what is your haiku supposed to mean? A bachelor frog that crickets? A tree? But no pond. It's interesting, but confusing and off-topic.\r\n\r\n[b]jacksonghuntington[/b]\r\n\r\nDark, murky water,\r\nA lily pad with flowers.\r\nA mask on it's face.\r\n\r\nMysterious haiku. Is the lilipad a person with a mask? Anyway, thoughtful haiku.\r\n\r\n[b]Hypermnestra[/b]\r\n\r\nIn night, the pond lies\r\nDormant, but underwater\r\nThe fish never sleep\r\n\r\nFish do sleep. Just with their eyes open. But I like the word dormant, and how the pond "lies". Simple haiku. I like it.\r\n\r\nNow time for placings.\r\n[b]3rd place: Deceptive[/b]\r\n\r\nRadiant lilies,\r\nCrystal still water, calmness\r\nstill lives in our world.\r\n\r\nI love the last line. Your haiku is beautiful.\r\n\r\n[b]2nd place: TackyCrazyTNT[/b]\r\n\r\nPetals float calmly,\r\nTwirling circles in the blue\r\nOf the Lily Pond\r\n\r\nMy haiku and yours were very similar, and you captured and reworded my idea of a pond, therefore I thought your haiku was very good.\r\n\r\n[b]Merit winner: moomentality[/b]\r\n\r\n\r\nFrog contemplates life\r\nLillies bear scents and colours\r\nFrog thinks life is well.\r\n\r\nYou deviated from tradition and gave your frog a personality, and a working thought process. Your poem is whimsical and the winner of this week. Go ask a mod for your merit.\r\n\r\n\r\nAnd sorry if I started a brouhaha, I just didn't want people to be disappointed if Fallen, in his sick state, didn't critique their haiku. So that's all for this week.\r\n\r\nNew theme: [b]Last Person on Earth[/b]\r\n\r\nHappy Haikuing!

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jacksonghuntington

347 posts

Nomad

Posted July 1, '11 6:35pm UTC

Wow, fast judging. And my poem was about hiding feelings by acting completely different, in this case, the pretty flower hides the dark water below. Heres the one for this week.

Ashes on the ground,
A reminder of what was.
Ruins of the past.

Imaged in first person, like I'm looking around myself.

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Maverick4

6,800 posts

Peasant

Posted July 1, '11 6:43pm UTC

People move around,
Yet I'm alone with in my
Soul. No one sees me.

Meh.

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Nater

1,296 posts

Nomad

Posted July 2, '11 12:25am UTC

Ok The Riddler, what is your haiku supposed to mean? A bachelor frog that crickets? A tree? But no pond. It's interesting, but confusing and off-topic.

Hah! I fooled you. Frogs cricket to find mates so that the tree of life can go on. I will never win the merit I know. But this gets me going. HAZAA!

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XVERB

3,137 posts

Nomad

Posted July 2, '11 12:29am UTC

Thank you dudeguy for doing the judging!

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Nater

1,296 posts

Nomad

Posted July 2, '11 12:37am UTC

Freedom, I have heaps.
Company, I have little.
Reason, I have none.

Took me a long time but I have hope in this one. As I do everyone I submit.

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TackyCrazyTNT

1,936 posts

Peasant

Posted July 2, '11 1:19am UTC

This aching silence;
How it presses on my chest.
Wish I still had you.

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Hypermnestra

26,390 posts

Nomad

Posted July 2, '11 2:30am UTC

Excellent submissions by all three first placers - congrats to our merit winner, Moonmentality. Kudos to our substitute judge.
My personal favorite was Tacky's, but that's just me. I liked all three top placers.

Fish do sleep. Just with their eyes open. But I like the word dormant, and how the pond "lies". Simple haiku. I like it.

I did mention that when I submitted the poem.

I even managed to fit a small amount of science in there! Except technically fish sleep...they just don't shut their eyes. Meh.

Even so, thanks for the critique.

I am alone here
And hope I always will be,
Inside of my mind

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acmed

3,517 posts

Nomad

Posted July 2, '11 3:16am UTC

Me, Myself, and No You

No more voices heard,
For me I stand alone, lost,
And I can't find you.

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Kyouzou

5,061 posts

Jester

Posted July 2, '11 4:54am UTC

Well that was a rather epic fail on my part, a warning to those who rewrite their entry six times. Thanks for the critiques dudeguy.

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idontsuckthatmuch

2,261 posts

Nomad

Posted July 2, '11 6:58am UTC

What is it with me and missing the judging all the time?

The only problem I have with yours is that I wasn't aware that floating lilies make sounds, as stated in your last line.

Ah, well I was trying to refer to how the lily was breaking the stillness of the pond, rather than a silence. But that's much more my fault that you thought it was like that.

Anyway, new entry:

This barren wasteland.
As I walk on the torn path,
I know I'm alone.

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